Dear Friends.

I wonder if you know how much you inspire me.

I wonder if you know how much you confuse me.

I wonder if you know how much I wished I knew where you are... and how you are.

I wonder if you mean when you say you love and miss me.

I wonder if, when we hang out, you're really there... or if your mind is far away.

I wonder if you realise how much my heart hurts that I don't really know you anymore.

I wonder if you realise how much you make me laugh.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate how you always manage to say and do the right thing at the right time.

I wonder if you know how much I love your laugh. All of your laughs =P

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate the days you randomly appear in my life.

I wonder if you meant when you said that all was ok and forgiven.

I wonder if you know how much I wish I didn't hear the twinge of sadness everytime I hear your voice.

I wonder if one day I'll look into your eyes and see freedom.

I wonder if I'll ever be half the wife/mother you are.

I wonder if we'll ever be able to just be... or if there'll always be a shadow.

I wonder if I'll ever just know what to do - how to be there for you.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to fully trust you.

I wonder if you know that I know about that thing you tried so desperately to hide.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate your mission to know me.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate your random little emails and notes and packages.

I wonder if you know what an honour it is when you let me catch a glimpse of your soul.

I wonder if you understand how much my life has changed since you came in it.

I wonder if you know how much I look forward to seeing your face every time.

I wonder if you realise how much you challenge me to know God more.

I wonder if you'll ever give up trying to fight what you know is truth.

I wonder if you'll ever see the power that your words have in and over my life.

I wonder if you'll one day see the treasure you are.

I wonder if one day you'll stop trying to hide behind everybody and anybody else.

I wonder if you'll know how amazing you are.

I wonder if you see the amazing growth in your life over the last months and years.

I wonder if you know that I learn so much from you. All the time.

I wonder if you know how much I wish I didn't get tongue tied when I need to say something important to you.

I wonder if you'd hear me if I told you that Every Little Thing's Gonna Be Alright.

I wonder if you know how grateful I am for the role that you played/are playing/will play in my life.

I wonder if you see how blessed you are, how loved you are.

I wonder if you know how cherished you are.

I wonder if your tattoo hurt.

I wonder if you remember how to rest.

I wonder if you ever stop thinking.

I wonder if I ever stop thinking.

I wonder if you'll ever complete your "mission."

I wonder if you know how much i miss your adventurous spirit and the randomness you brought into my life.

I wonder if you'll ever fully see yourself the way Jesus sees you.

I wonder if you'll know how much you inspired me to be real.

I wonder if you're excited about the year ahead.

I wonder if you know how much I wish we'd gotten to say goodbye.

I wonder if I'll ever stop doing things and wishing you were there to do them with me.

I wonder if you miss my daily dilemas.

I wonder if you know how sorry I am.

I wonder what the Lord's doing in and through you right now.

I wonder how your heart is.

I wonder how your brainwaves are.

I wonder where you are on a scale of 1-10.

I wonder if you know that I mean when I say that I love you. And I miss you.

And I hope you're ok. Like really.

psalm 30:5

Though the sorrow may last for the night (time of darkness)
His joy comes in the morning.
or mourning.

peace.

You know when you're awake in the middle of the night for some reason and you can't figure out why?
You know when you're just getting sleepy... but then suddenly you're wide awake and can't envision sleep happening anytime soon?

You just heard some news...

Something that barely affects your day to day life but you are all too aware of the way it's going to affect and have effect so many other's lives...

You know when you grieve and then wonder if it's selfish because you're so distantly related to this 'situation' and you know what you're feeling probably can't compare to 'the others?'

You know when you wish you could do something. anything.
but you can't.

You know when you get a searing pain through your chest and can't stop literally shaking.
until you pray.

You know when you can't even begin to imagine, you know when you don't even WANT to imagine, the implications that this will have in the lives of those you love? And the lives of those you have never even, and probably never will meet...?

You know how you can grieve yet still have peace.

You know when you have no idea what God's doing... but you know that He's doing something.

You know how when you're praying for people and all you can see is the way their faces, all of them, lit up when they talked about her... about how beautiful she was. inside and out.

You know how when you think about what it would feel like to be in their shoes it almost tears you apart?

You know how your only memories of her are very short and somewhat vague... but you just KNEW that she had a truly beautiful soul...

You know how you're glad your paths got intertwined... even if it was just briefly. very briefly.

You know how you go to talk, to let them know you're thinking of them and praying... but all that comes out is jumble?

You know how you wish you had the right words. Is there even such a thing?

Funny that just this morning these are the two verses that I read and was blown away by again:

John 14:27 (Amplified Bible)

27Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]

(The Message)

25-27"I'm telling you these things while I'm still living with you. The Friend, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send at my request, will make everything plain to you. He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I'm leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. I don't leave you the way you're used to being left—feeling abandoned, bereft. So don't be upset. Don't be distraught.

Philippians 4:7 (The Message)

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

(Amplified Bible)

7And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Remember

Sometimes I wonder why we're so forgetful.

Just a few months ago we could have a conversation and I would forget it within seconds.
My hands were COVERED in reminders.
I would ask everybody to remind me about everything.
I would warn people that I would probably forget things.
And forget things I did.
I forgot instructions soon after being given them... large chunks of my childhood... just gone. Even significant parts of my "life story" just
gone.
And I would get SO frustrated at myself.
When I had been in NY for a while one day Ness pointed out that I hadn't written on my hand for a while and that I actually had a pretty good memory these days.
It made a nice change!
Spiritual affects the physical.
I'm learning that more and more.

But

there's another load of forgetfulness that we suffer from too.

We forget to be grateful for what we have.
We forget the goodness of God.
We forget that life doesn't always have to go our way for it to be ok.
We forget how important prayer, worship, fellowship and accountability are.
We forget that it's ok to fall... but we need to fall into His arms, not onto our own two feet.
We forget to rest.
We forget to trust.
We forget about faith.
We forget that God cannot lie. It's just impossible.
We forget that there is a real battle going on... an epic battle of good vs evil. Pick a team.(P.S The good already won.)
We forget to pursue truth. The truth really has, does and will set us free.
We forget to laugh. I think it's important to be full of joy. Even in adversity. Laughter is VERY healing!

I am guilty as charged on all of the above.
and then some.

But we should just remember to take it easy and not let stuff consume us.
Unless it's God. God should consume us.

When we're worrying or full of fear... or doubt... or working a lot... or excited about something cool that happened... or just anything really, it's easy to forget that God wants to be centre of that...
And when we go to Him first with EVERYTHING, just watch everything fall into place!

We should encourage eachother to speak positively. Words have power. Really. They do.
We can speak things into existance. What are you creating with your words?
In the Bible it talks about how our words have the power of life and death.
I personally would prefer to be speaking good things into the lives of my friends and family... and strangers... and myself.
How about you?
I've found that when we focus on the good stuff, the bad stuff doesn't seem so evident anyway.

Let's ask the Lord to help us to live life with His eyes, with His ears... Let's ask Him to saturate us. To flood us with zest and tenacity... to teach how to respect ourselves and eachother... To show us how to be more than real - to be authentic... Let's ask Him to show us how to correctly prioritise our lives... To take us to new levels of obedience and humility.

I pray that we would speak with more than words.
I pray that truth would become more than "cliche."
I pray that we would live out the freedom that already belongs to us.

I pray that we wouldn't settle for second best.
I pray that we would be a constant source of encouragement and blessing and truth to those around us.
I pray that even in the darkest places we're so rooted in the love of Christ that we can't help but shine.

I pray that we would realise our true authority in Christ and walk in it.
I pray that we would no longer be bound and crippled by fears and insecurities.
I pray that wherever we're at on this journey that we would know the reality of Jesus and what he did for us... and the implications of the cross today.

I pray that we would have teachable spirits that we may learn everything that God has for us in every situation.
I pray that we wouldn't be afraid to dream and have goals and acheive.
I pray that God truly would have first place in our hearts and lives.

Let it be so.

New Song. (Can you think of a name?!)

This lonely road is getting kind of old
it's just going round in circles.
It's repetition of feelings I thought I'd dealt with
But apparently I just hid

Cause in this time I'm reminded of my need for a saviour
to be my lifeline
Cause as hard as I try I can't do this in my own strength
-my legs are so tired

From walking this endless road that's going nowhere
I need divine intervention.

I think my back's bruised, don't think I can move
I'm being consumed by a dark and heavy feeling
So Jesus would you come and remove
what is not of you. Replace it with truth

Now I can breathe
Now I dream
Now I can be more than I ever believed that I could be
Now I can stand in victory,
shake the dust of my feet
I walk in liberty
I am free, I am free, I am free

And in this time I still have the need for a saviour
you're my only lifeline
And as hard as I try
I'll never make without you by my side

to walk this windy road
I believe help my unbelief
I give you my heart
fix it back together
piece by piece
I give you my dreams
and you can have my deepest fears

Jesus Christ
Be Lord of my
everything.

I love you.

3 simple words.

Yet they hold such meaning.
or do they?
I mean... they should.
But these days sometimes I feel like they have almost lost their meaning... like society has almost become immune to the power of those words and all of it's implications.
It's definately something i struggle with.
I mean, Jesus talks all the time about love and how vital it is
and woah. God IS love.
People's perception of what it is can sometimes be so twisted... maybe due to wounds and hurts of their past, maybe due to not even knowing what love really is... Many reasons.
It's SO easy to get caught up in thinking that love has to be earnt... or warranted... or love is attraction... maybe love is materialistic and is in how much you buy for someone...
maybe to love you have to be with someone all the time... maybe call a lot and text/email...
Well, there are definately love languages... 5 different ways that people receieve/give love:
words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch...
So some of that's ok... But in balance.
We need to get our needs met first and foremost by God...
Love. four letters that spin my world around.
See, i used to say "i love you" really easily... to friends, to people maybe i didn't even know that well... Then i got told how it had almost lost it's meaning because I said it so much...
So i didn't say it anymore...
Then it became almost a fear to say it.
It took A LOT for me to say it... to anybody. Even my closest friends...
Love in my world has definately been misused and warped... but the more I knew Jesus, the more I was falling in LOVE with Him and the more i was learning to be loved (which FYI is at times freaking difficult... to be loved... for me anyways.)
So where did this leave me?
Now that i was learning what love truly meant... should I still have boundaries? should I still let people know how much they meant to me? would they know that I truly meant when i said that i loved them? Was it more than pleasantries or nice words? And what if they didn't say it back? Or what if I appear to call/email more? Does that mean that it's imbalanced?
It's hard to give without receving sometimes... That's why our identity and dependancy needs to be only in God...
Honestly, I have no conclusion.
A huge fear of it was broken while I was in New York the first time...
but slowly I've noticed that it's getting harder and harder for me to say it.
Sometimes it's hard for me not to say it.
Like if someone says "I love you."
what do you say back?! well... if you change the subject it's rude, if you ignore it is that disrespecting their potentially heartfelt words... If you're silent, it's just awkward...
Sometimes I find that i say it almost as a reflex... because i'm overanalysing (I do that. A lot.)
I honestly have no conclusion.
Other than that it really is ok to love.
But I guess the 3 words are nothing if we don't truly mean it... And how do we mean it?
Well... If God is love, than surely the more we know Him, the more we know love...

I way over complicate things.
But yeah... I know for sure that if God is love and I love God then I love love... i love to love. I love to be loved... and umm... I don't know how to tie up all the thoughts in my head or if these ones even make sense.

goodnight =P

TAGGED!

Explanation - Post the fourth picture on the fourth folder of your pictures and explain! oh yeah, and tag 4 more people.

Ok, as I said before, my computer died so i have no albums of pictures, but this is the fourth picture from the fourth album on my facebook.

Its Sully and his banjo and Walker and his guitar...
One night in thhheee 3rd week of september i believe, when I was in Hamlin, NY
a mutual friend of Joy, Jaron and me came to stay for the weekend... and on the sunday night a group of us went to Jaron's house and went into the forest clearing in his back yard and made a bonfire... It was amazing!
The stars were out...
Most of the others had been to a barn dance the night before (Ness and I we conviently babysitting that night =P)
so they recreated it.
It was amazing. Friends, stars, music... Mr Pak's fruit smoothie that he made us to drink on our way to the fire (cold night, plus cold drink... random.)
I miss times like that.

ok... I'm gonna tag... Jacque , Jenni, Leea and Rachel

PEACE.

Oh, and maybe soon I'll blog about the RANDOM french man who only speaks spanish who is currently spending the night at my house!?

offline.

My computer's died.
So, no internet for Tash.
This is gonna be good for me.
ha.
I'm using my mum's at the moment
and probably will be able to get on every now and then... but not very often...
Just thought I'd let you all know!
PEACE.

Lifeline.

I feel like I'm in an ocean.
Either in a boat
or
Submerged beneath dark waters
with waves that just crash effortlessly over my head.
I forgot how to swim.
Sometimes the water is still and calm.
Sometimes I think the waves probably couldn't get any bigger.
When it's stormy
there are either currents under the surface of the water
or its completely the opposite
and its... just....inexplicably... calm...
It changes.
When I'm in the boat I'm dry, I can breathe...
I'm in a safer position.
A position to adaquately help the other people that are drowning.
Sometimes it looks like the other people are in calm waters.
But even from the boat I can't see if there are currents that are pulling them under.
When I'm in the water I rarely see anybody else.
I prefer being in the boat.
Sometimes I jump out of the boat.
Maybe to help the others.
I don't know why I think that will work.
It doesn't.
Maybe cause I think I'll reach my destination faster.
I don't know why I think that will work.
It won't.
Other times it's not even my fault I end up in the water.
Maybe I slip on the wet.
Maybe I get pushed out.
The tides are unpredictable.
Even when I'm in the water I'm always conscious that there is a boat.
Sometimes I forget to look though.
Other times I stubbornly close my eyes.
Maybe I want to see how long I can last in this tumultuous place.
Maybe I want to see how long it takes for my skin to get shrivelled
from being wet for too long.
I know how to float on my back.
When the waves have hushed
I could lay on my back for a long, long time
Staring up at the blue skies
and seeing what pictures the clouds are painting with shapes.
But there's no guarantee of what's going on beneath the surface.
I catch a glimpse of the boat - my lifeline.
Rain or shine I can without fail guarantee the presence of the boat.
And the captain.
The captain with kind eyes that dance
and have a language of their own...
Eyes that lock mine and remind me that even if I am soaked through
and even if I forgot how to swim...
He wants to make me safe.
He wants to saturate me with a different kind of water.
Living water.
This captain who has laughter lines
and a smile that warms me to the very core
and makes me forget temperature of this ice cold water.
The captain that reaches out one hand and has a towel in the other
ready to save me
and warm me up.
The captain who tells me
that I am beautiful
even if my mascara (which is apparently not the water proof kind)
is running down my face
and even if my voice is hoarse from screaming for help.
He tells me I could have whispered
and he still would have heard.
He tells me that it doesn't tell me how long I've been in the storm
it's all ok now.
He tells me how I'll still get wet sometimes (from the sprays of the waves)
but he has plenty of umbrellas in his boat
and dry clothes... in my size.
He lifts me easily into the boat and into his arms and
everything stops.
I don't even notice if its stormy or calm.
I don't notice if the rain is falling or the sun is shining.
I don't notice if there are dolphins are jumping
or if there are birds singing.
In this moment I just know that I am secure. I know that I will always be secure...
I know that the arms of my captain are big and strong enough to hold me
and fight off the storm at the same time.
I know that I can listen to his heartbeat for as long as I want to.
I know that this boat is taking me on a journey
of freedom and liberty.
Sometimes I panic and try and grab the wheel and try and steer it.
But I soon realise that I've never sailed successfully on my own before
and I'm going round in circles.
and I let the captain take over again.
He knows what he's doing and where he's going.
And besides,
when he's steering the boat
I can reach over the sides and help the others
who are still trapped in the salty water.
If I just had this boat on its own I probably wouldn't be much help...
I couldn't steer plus help the drowning people...
I'm glad there's not just a boat;
there's a sail too
and the captain.
A 3 in 1 kind of deal.

More You. Less me.

I'm going paintballing soon.
It's Jade's birthday... I don't know how I feel about it. The paintballing, not the fact it's her birthday...!
I finished babysitting after midnight and couldn't switch my brain off so I watched a movie.
Bride and Prejudice.
I liked it.

I had some weird dreams last night. Not bad... just weird.
So many random people from different parts of my life were in it.
And it was weird.
And it just got to a pretty poignant part... And my dad came in and woke me up asking me what time I was leaving.
I hate that!
Then when I fell back asleep I was back in the dream.
Different part of the same dream.
And I was just getting to the part where a friend and I were going to have a "grown up talk" as I like to call them (you know the ones where you have to be real and open and actually talk about stuff? Maybe even slightly confrontational? yeah.... Im not very good at those...!)
And it was funny how my dream was something that could actually happen in real life.
And then the house phone rang and I got a text at the same time.
And I woke up...

Today I wish I had a big sister. I mean, there have been different seasons in my life where different friends have kind of taken on that role... and it's been good... needed
but
seasons change.
I love my little sister. I think she's the bomb.com but it's different... I'm her big sister... And I love it!
But it's just different.

I've been reading. I havn't done that in a while. But it's interesting... It's about how women are created to be warriors.
I might blog on it soon.

Today, if I had a car, I would drive away with my guitar and journal and go to either of my favourite places (in this part of the world anyways!)
and just... spend time with God.
Away from here.
I'd probably go to the Wye Downs... Hills that overlook the whole of my town.

A couple of weeks ago my pastor mentioned about how sometimes a yearning for the Holy Spirit can have similar "symptoms" to depression.
Lonliness, Irritability.... generally low spirits... Tiredness... Lot's of things.

I need more of Him.
Less of me.

12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.
Colossians 3

Pitch a tent and dwell in it.

Next month I'll be 20... 28 days until (Alisha) Smucker gets here. Last year I was in Oregon with her for our birthday (we share the same one!) This year she'll be here.
I wonder where we'll be next year.

Grace. This is going to be a year filled with grace (undeserved goodness).

--- 9But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and ^[a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may ^[b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
2 Corinthians 12:9---

I love that imagery... of Jesus coming and pitching a tent on top of my heart and just... living and dwelling right there... He didn't just build a little tent... He stays... He lives... He rests.

I got my nose repierced on Christmas eve.

Sometimes my brain has themes for the day.
This week one day was love. One day was grace. One day was family...
Another was people.

Cause its so easy for me to put people on some kind of subconscious pedestal.
Then when I see an area of their life that they're making some bad decisions or have some really interesting behavioural patterns or ideas... or sometimes even just things that are different to the way I'd do them... Its really hard for me not to slip into judgement or frustration... or disappointment... or critisism.
But why?! I have no right.
Probably, I do exactly the same things as they do... Maybe some stuff isn't as obvious, but I'm pretty sure most things are... if not more so!
Why do I judge when I hate to be judged?!

It's a very bizarre cycle.
I get subconsciously irritated by what i see in other people that are infact character flaws that I struggle with too...
I have SO much to learn.

And recently, the verses in Romans 7 have become revalatory. Maybe that's not the word I really want.
But read this:

14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. (The Message)

I remember reading this verse in New Zealand a year and a half ago... One night in a motel in Rotorua I just picked up Crystal's bible and wanted so badly to understand this verse. But it was nothing but gobbldeegook. I had no idea what he was trying to say.

I think there's still so much more in there for me to grasp, but suddenly these past few weeks I feel like i understand more of what Paul was trying to say... The battle between what we KNOW is right, what we KNOW is God's will... and what we do. There is a huge difference between knowing and doing. Sometimes its so hard to know why I do what I do... Sometimes I do REALLY stupid things. Sometimes I say really stupid things...

But usually the times when I do most stupid stuff and have a bad attitude about things... I've noticed that they're the times I'm not putting God as ultimate first.
I can seriously feel the difference.

I bet my family can too =P

It's nearly 3am. I want to be asleep... But I was hungry for a really long time and so went and got a marmite sandwich and glass of milk... and now my brain is just active.

I need to get my camera fixed,

I need a job too...

I can't wait to get more involved with church... Hopefully that's soon... I just have to sign some final paperwork for police checks this weekend.

I might try to learn how to paint.

You know when you're craving something but don't know what it is?
And you're not even hungry?

And how do you guard your heart without barricading it?

Right now, every single tap in my house drips.
I never want to be a dripping tap.
Not only does it get annoying very fast,
But it's wasting resources!
I don't want to waste my resources.
Or be nagging.

What should I cook for dinner tomorrow?

I'm babysitting a 7 month old baby tomorrow. Cute.

I have one cold foot. I hate having cold feet.

Goodnight neverland.

Hollywood Smile

Some of my friends from church went stateside for the Christmas/New Year season...
I asked one of them to bring me back some teeth whitening stuff.
Freya came back from New Zealand in early december with a very brilliant smile.
I guess I wanted one too.
I like to smile.
I guess I got conscious of the coffee stained state of my teeth...

So
Sunday night was when I got given my gift!
I gave my friend the money and when I got home, the process began!
What it is, is 2 strips of gel coated stuff that you pretty much mould to your teeth and leave for 30 minutes twice a day.
By Monday night I could see some improvement!
Exciting.
On Tuesday I had the revelation of the hollywood smile.
Check this out!
(I hope I do a better job explaining it here than when I tried to explain it to Freya yesterday!)

So
I bought the kit with the knowledge of what it was going to do. I wanted white teeth.
Every day I go through a process.
It's pretty intense and my gums and teeth are officially sensitive!
On tuesday I pointed out that some teeth were already really white and some were still stained and I wanted to know if that meant that the gel wasn't working and if i'd just wasted money...
Freya, very wisely, pointed out that teeth are all stained to different degrees and while some will be cleaned really fast, some are deeper and take longer.

Do you see wher e I'm going with this?!

To me this process has reminded me and given me fresh revelation of Freedom and Healing.

When we give our hearts to Jesus, His promise is like that of my teeth whitening kit. He promises to make us white as snow and pure and holy before Him.
And we are.
Sometimes there's a process though.
Some things are instantaneously made white and clean... But for other things, its a work in progress...
And sometimes in those times of purification and refining - it freaking hurts. Like woah.
We can sometimes be more sensitive.
And an interesting thought is too that sometimes we don't notice the state of our teeth (or hearts) until we spend time with others who have really beautiful smiles... or hearts...


Jesus promises that He won't leave us half done. He won't leave us half clean and half dirty... He says that He promises to see what He has started through to completion...

But just like I didn't just buy the kit and automatically have a brilliantly white smile, we can't assume that by giving our hearts to Christ that everything will be smooth running. It will not. Trust me.
I guess in some ways there's a price for freedom.
You. Me.
Us.
Jesus wants our everything.
And just like everyday I have to put these mould thingies on my teeth... I have to put them on for myself and only then will I see result!
The kit says to do it for 7 days.
But if I don't follow the guidelines/instructions that come with the kit... After 7 days, if I've just left the kit in a drawer untouched, I will have exactly the same smile as I had before.

James 4:8 in the Amplified Bible says:

8Come close to God and He will come close to you. [Recognize that you are] sinners, get your soiled hands clean; [realize that you have been disloyal] wavering individuals with divided interests, and purify your hearts [of your spiritual adultery].

It says "Come close to God and He will come close to you."
Another version says "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

We have to take steps too.

Let's.
Let's see change.
We have to make change to see change.
Let's delight ourselves in the ways of The King.
How do we know what they are? Well, by spending time in His presence.
Prayer Changes Things.
Really.

An interesting quote that I read yesterday:

If you want to know where your heart is,
look where your mind goes when it wanders.

Let's choose holiness.
Let's choose grace.
Let's choose freedom.
Let's choose truth.
Let's choose Love.
Let's choose purity.

The Heart of The Matter Is A Matter of The Heart.

I love listening to my sister getting ready for her day and singing like no one’s listening...I love how much more confident she’s got – exploring what different things her voice can do. When we were small she used to be our little performing monkey! When we were at people’s houses it was always “Letitia, sing us a song!” and sing she would! Her favourite song for a long time was “Because You Loved Me,” by Celiene Dion....

Then one day my dad made some comment about how when she sang it was “too nasally” and BAM. For years and years she just would not sing in front of anybody. The only time she sang was early in the morning when she was getting ready for school.

I’m not gonna lie, it annoyed me alot. Just because it was loud. And I was still trying to sleep...! Mostly it frustrated me that her voice was clearly amazing yet she was so shy and wouldn’t sing in front of anybody... If ever she was asked she would refuse and would be at the point of tears very quickly.

But everytime that I’ve been away from home that has been one of the things I’ve missed the most... Hearing her voice. Her gift.

Tisha’s school is one that is very well known for it’s performing arts side. One of the options that she chose for her final exams, which are coming up this year, was to specialise in music performance.

When I got back last march after 11 months of not being here I was amazed at how confident she had become. Dad and I went one day to watch a performance that her class put on at school and she rocked it! Whereas before she’d had an amazing voice but stood very still and her body language showed her nerves even if her voice didn’t... This time she was having fun! She moved about and was confident and more than amazing songs, she gave an incredible performance.

One of my points is, like I’ve written before, words have power. We need to be so careful about even the little offhand comments we make without thinking.

What you think, so you are...

My prayer is that our minds would be refined so that we don’t even give room to negative thoughts.

"You don't get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It's who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.”
Luke 6-45-46

Just as water mirrors your face,
so your face mirrors your heart.”
Proverbs 27:19

We have to remember also that we can’t MAKE ourselves nicer people.. It truly is a case of The Heart Of The Matter is A Matter Of The Heart...

God is the only one who can change and transform us from the inside out... our job is just to let Him.

Ready.

I started writing a new blog a few days ago.
Then my internet disconnected and reset everything I was doing.
I lost the blog.
I should do the smart thing that Jane does and write it in word and save it as I go along!

These past couple of weeks have been awesome. So revelatory.
I love how evident God is.

One day as I was journalling I was just praying and tell God about how I was ready.
Ready to stop looking at myself and the wounds and flaws that need to be gone, but ready to look outwardly and be strong... but only in His strength.
It's funny how since then I have had intense times nearly every day of speaking with people - some that I know, some that I don't- and just seeing God do such powerful things!
Words have power.
We need to make sure we're speaking words of truth and encouragment to eachother.
Sometimes I think it's so easy to get caught up trying to "better" eachother (or even ourselves)
that we get critical and see only the parts with "room for improvement..."
I agree that as iron sharpens iron so friends should sharpen eachother...
But let's remember to speak in love.
If we're only seeing eachother's faults how can we be patient and kind and selfless with each other?
Love over powers all of the stuff we do wrong.

Some of my journal entry from sunday is a prayer... I wanted to share part of it with you guys.
This is my heart's cry... I pray that it would be encouraging to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God
You are so good! Thankyou for who You are.
God I need change.
Fill me with grace.
Fill me with compassion.
Increase my capacity to love. Let me love with your love.
Let me breathe forgiveness and mercy. Let me radiate life and truth.

Take away every harsh edge of my heart, every unkind thought or word - spoken or unspoken.

Stir up the dormant passions within me.
Give me words to encourage and edify.
Give me courage to stand up for my convictions.

Saturate me with love that I may freely love and be loved.

Lord, I want to walk into a room and for the atmosphere to be changed.
I want to bring peace and joy and righteousness into conversation and atmosphere.

Refresh me that I can be alert and ready at all times.

God, thankyou for freedom. Thankyou that I am free of so much.
I know there is more.
Show me the areas I need to give to you, to surrender.

Flood me with patience! 'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.'

Show me how to guard my heart without barricading it.

Give me a teachable spirit that I may graciously learn from every situation and circumstance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is completely different to what I sat down to blog about... but hey!
I'll finish with this quote my friend told me this week

"When you come to the end of all the light you know
and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen:
Either you will be given something solid to stand on
or you will be taught to fly."

-Edward Teller