Lifeline.

I feel like I'm in an ocean.
Either in a boat
or
Submerged beneath dark waters
with waves that just crash effortlessly over my head.
I forgot how to swim.
Sometimes the water is still and calm.
Sometimes I think the waves probably couldn't get any bigger.
When it's stormy
there are either currents under the surface of the water
or its completely the opposite
and its... just....inexplicably... calm...
It changes.
When I'm in the boat I'm dry, I can breathe...
I'm in a safer position.
A position to adaquately help the other people that are drowning.
Sometimes it looks like the other people are in calm waters.
But even from the boat I can't see if there are currents that are pulling them under.
When I'm in the water I rarely see anybody else.
I prefer being in the boat.
Sometimes I jump out of the boat.
Maybe to help the others.
I don't know why I think that will work.
It doesn't.
Maybe cause I think I'll reach my destination faster.
I don't know why I think that will work.
It won't.
Other times it's not even my fault I end up in the water.
Maybe I slip on the wet.
Maybe I get pushed out.
The tides are unpredictable.
Even when I'm in the water I'm always conscious that there is a boat.
Sometimes I forget to look though.
Other times I stubbornly close my eyes.
Maybe I want to see how long I can last in this tumultuous place.
Maybe I want to see how long it takes for my skin to get shrivelled
from being wet for too long.
I know how to float on my back.
When the waves have hushed
I could lay on my back for a long, long time
Staring up at the blue skies
and seeing what pictures the clouds are painting with shapes.
But there's no guarantee of what's going on beneath the surface.
I catch a glimpse of the boat - my lifeline.
Rain or shine I can without fail guarantee the presence of the boat.
And the captain.
The captain with kind eyes that dance
and have a language of their own...
Eyes that lock mine and remind me that even if I am soaked through
and even if I forgot how to swim...
He wants to make me safe.
He wants to saturate me with a different kind of water.
Living water.
This captain who has laughter lines
and a smile that warms me to the very core
and makes me forget temperature of this ice cold water.
The captain that reaches out one hand and has a towel in the other
ready to save me
and warm me up.
The captain who tells me
that I am beautiful
even if my mascara (which is apparently not the water proof kind)
is running down my face
and even if my voice is hoarse from screaming for help.
He tells me I could have whispered
and he still would have heard.
He tells me that it doesn't tell me how long I've been in the storm
it's all ok now.
He tells me how I'll still get wet sometimes (from the sprays of the waves)
but he has plenty of umbrellas in his boat
and dry clothes... in my size.
He lifts me easily into the boat and into his arms and
everything stops.
I don't even notice if its stormy or calm.
I don't notice if the rain is falling or the sun is shining.
I don't notice if there are dolphins are jumping
or if there are birds singing.
In this moment I just know that I am secure. I know that I will always be secure...
I know that the arms of my captain are big and strong enough to hold me
and fight off the storm at the same time.
I know that I can listen to his heartbeat for as long as I want to.
I know that this boat is taking me on a journey
of freedom and liberty.
Sometimes I panic and try and grab the wheel and try and steer it.
But I soon realise that I've never sailed successfully on my own before
and I'm going round in circles.
and I let the captain take over again.
He knows what he's doing and where he's going.
And besides,
when he's steering the boat
I can reach over the sides and help the others
who are still trapped in the salty water.
If I just had this boat on its own I probably wouldn't be much help...
I couldn't steer plus help the drowning people...
I'm glad there's not just a boat;
there's a sail too
and the captain.
A 3 in 1 kind of deal.