Out of Time.

I’m sat on the plane. I don’t have much time before my battery runs out.

When I see Joy I will have been travelling for over 30 hours. That’s longer than it took me to get to NZ! I’m on the flight from Gatwick to Charlotte at the moment, I have a 4 hour stopover (where I get to see an old friend and her new baby!) and then onto JFK... then a 1:15am bus in Manhattan. Madness.

I read this verse in the Bible earlier (I had 2 hours of waiting around in Gatwick!) and I think it was in Ecclesiastes... It said something like “Don’t look back on the ‘good times’. That is foolish.” And it got me thinking. I guess what Solomon was trying to say was about the whole living in today not yesterday thing... But I just wonder where the balance is... I guess it’s ok to remember and think about the past sometimes... but not to dwell on and try to recapture every second of it... Cause there’s a definite beauty in today, but not if we’re trying to make it was yesterday was... I don’t know.

I have no concept of time right now! As I write this, its 6:45pm in England, but I don’t even know what the local place is, let alone the time zone...

It’s a pretty bizarre concept when you think about it... being almost out of time, but not really.
You know what would be really epic? If they had wireless internet on the plane!

I wonder if Jane’s had her baby yet. I personally think he’s waiting for Sunday... That’s the day I get there ;)

Nadine arrives in JFK today too... but she gets there a while before me. If she still doesn’t know I’m going to surprise her... it’s pretty funny to my soul.
While she was staying at my house when I first got back a couple of weeks ago, the amount of times people slipped up and said stuff is shocking!

But I think we covered pretty well. I hope so.

I’m so excited about this week. It’s kind of bittersweet though because it’s more goodbyes and not knowing the next time we get to see each other again...
I havn’t seen Jon and JJ in 10 months and I havn’t seen Joni in 9 months... So it’s SO good to be able to see them for the weekend! (It’ll be good to see Nadine too but it’s different cause I just saw her 3 weeks ago =P) I guess we’re all so different now. I wonder how it will be...
It’ll be so good to be all together again!

Hopefully this week is full of good things.
My battery’s about to die so I should probably save this and shut down...

But in closing...
God still astounds me. I can’t believe that He is just so... I don’t even know what word to use! I just stared at the computer screen for a good while... cause how do you capture God in one word?

Pretty much, you don’t...

But I wish more people could just know the reality of Him, the freedom in Him and the adventures with Him.

When I said "adventures...."

The Coat From His Back.

It’s 3am. I have left my house 25 hours ago... and I’m stuck in JFK, NY for at least another 4 hours.
Let me share about my eventful day/evening.

Everything was going well, I flew London- Charlotte, met Rachel, hung out for a while, went to the airport, checked in, got on the plane, took off at 8:30pm for a 2 hour flight. I remember when we got above the clouds and the stars seemed so close... The clouds below were blocking out the city lights so it was pitch black and these glorious stars... Orion’s belt was the one that was most obvious... After just a little while, I fell asleep.

I woke up to the sound of the captain over the intercom saying that unfortunately due to weather circumstances they’d been sent on a route 100 miles out of the way and as they hadn’t forseen this, they were about to run out of fuel so were going to land in Pennsylvania to refuel and that it would take 20 minutes. We took off an hour later.

During the waiting onboard, everybody seemed to be bonding with a common factor... A intense frustration with the airline.

There was nobody in the seat next to mine and there was one man sat in the seats adjacent. He started telling me how this was the fourth time with this airline that something had gone wrong... and when he was done I said that I hoped I would catch my bus from Port of Authority in Manhattan.
He was very helpful and told me my best route and all sorts.

The more time went on, the more concerned he got that I wouldn’t make it. He let me use my phone to let the Ebel’s know that I was in Pennsylvania and then he got the number for greyhound to see if he could find out whether they would hold the bus... All he got was automated services though.

When we got off the plane he stuck with me and said he’d help me on my way. So we got to the baggage claims and waited for a MILLION years (in the least literal sense!) for my suitcase and guitar and he was so helpful going and asking different people different things to try to help me out.

Eventually we got outside and saw a sign saying $15 bus straight to the bus station... He told me to wait where I was (by now it’s maybe 12:30?) and he went and spoke to someone. He came back and said he had bad news and that the cop had told him that the $15 bus had stopped at 11pm. I could get a $50 taxi but couldn’t guarantee that I’d make the bus. He took off his coat and told me to wear it. I said no. He told me to wear it... He pointed out that he had another one... It’s not even a particularly nice coat but instantly I remembered that verse in the bible where Jesus talks about giving someone the coat off your back if they needed it. I think that’s what it says. My brain isn’t fully functioning right now!

Anyways, the first man (whose name I never found out) said that getting a taxi would be silly cause I’d just end up getting there and not being allowed to stay overnight...
By this point I’m nearly in tears, I just want to get to Joy right?! So I used his phone again and spoke to her and we figured that I’d stay at the airport and go to the bus station first thing in the morning and let her know what time I’d arrive.

He went to leave and handed me $20 and told me to eat. The last time I’d eaten was a sandwich on the plane at 2pm.

The policeman then took me into the terminal and said how it would be closed, but that I had his permission to stay there. He let me use the phone to call Joy back to see if she’d found out any greyhound times for the morning... she hadn’t.

He took me to a vending machine cause that’s all there was around so I got a couple of things.
He left and told me that if there was any problems to tell them to call him.

As he walked away a security guard came and told me I had to leave. I told him what had happened and that he needed to go and speak to the police man. This was the bit that apparently tipped me off the edge and tears started falling down my face. I guess guys don’t know how to handle that sometimes. He left pretty fast.
But he came back really soon saying that he couldn’t find the cop and that I had to wait around the corner by the entrance until the officer came back round.

I went and sat down and started to eat until another security guard came and told me I had to leave... I tried to explain to him that the cop had told me not to move and the whole story but then another lady from the airline came over.
I was too tired to argue. They told me where to go and half an hour later here I was in terminal 4.
I’m too tired to sleep... and too nervous that I’ll sleep for too long, or my stuff will get thieved! And I’m past the stage of hungry and I just think this is hysterical now!

If things had gone the way they were meant to I would be 5 hours from being with Joy. Instead I’m closer to 5 hours till I can even get on the bus!

The thing about this story is that 2 guys who aren’t even Christians went out of their way to make sure I was ok... and it really touched me! If they hadn’t have been around I wouldn’t have had a clue what to do or where to go.

I love that God can use anybody. I love that His hand of protection is over me and that he keeps me safe. I love that my God is bigger than all these minor catastrophes that happened.

And the best bit is?! I’m not cold in the process.

I Stand In Awe.

What a day!

Its nearly 2:30am and I still havn't packed... and I still have to shower...
and I leave at 6:30 to get to Gatwick...
I just got off the phone with Ashley and then Livi...
I just love them.
Ashley's phone died after a short time but it was so good to hear just a bit of what the Lord has done in her life in the last few months since we last got to speak....
And Livi... She just blesses my soul... So much...

Tonight I got given money. Randomly.
I'm choosing not to write exactly how because I want it to kind of stay anonymous... But I got given $100 and instructions to buy a coat and whatever else I need...
I also got given £40 towards travel and whatever else I need.
Also I got given $100 dollars and 3 items to buy and whatever change there is I can have.
SO.
In total, in the last 3 days I have been given $220!! plus the change from the $100...
I get money left over after my travel costs!!
How Great Is Our God???
Some people have said to me before
" After the last couple of years, you of all people should know God's provision."
And yes, I do... and I should...
but
like I said in my last entry, its that vicious cycle...
and most of the money that has been provided before has been for mission stuff... This is just a holiday!
And the fact that God cares enough about me to not let me fall flat on my face, kissing the foreign soil... It astounds me!
The past couple of days I've been just claiming God's promises.
Not out of panic... But just as "God! You have said that You are my shepherd and I SHALL NOT BE IN WANT... You've said that if I ask I WILL RECEIVE..." And thanking Him that He's perfect and cannot go back on His promises...
I love that His Grace alone is sufficient...
That even though I'm so selfish and full of bad attitudes some of the time... He still provides.

Tonight I went to a joint worship and praise night... it was Raze (14-17s) and Avenue (18s-30s)
and it was really good to just... worship... to let go and worship...

Afterwards I was kind of sat at the back of the hall... not wanting to leave, but not wanting to talk to anyone... I was still just in awe of God and slightly speechless (I think I made up for it on the phone with Liv though haha!)
and so I was reading the Bible... I read a bit of Esther and a bit of Job...

Anna came up to me. She's 14 and she just loves Jesus! I love how much she's grown in the last 3/4 months!
She came and caught my eye and laughed and then she just started praying for me!
Just all this stuff... that was just so... perfect! (Isn't it cool that it doesn't matter what age you are, you can still hear the voice of God?!)
She got this picture that was so... spot on... I couldn't help but smile when part of it was that I was dancing...
When I was in NY... nearly every day something would come up about dance.
Its a big area in my life that is being worked on. Freedom to Dance... It's coming!

I love God.
It makes me sad that so many Christians even, just don't know the reality of God...

Cause seriously... who gets sent money in the mail and handed hundreds of dollars in one night...!?

Jehovah Jireh.

The butterflies are back.
With a vengance.
But this time for different reasons...
Let me tell you about them.

It starts off this morning. I wake up with a phone call - a friend seeing if I want to hang out...
and as I get off the phone I look at my computer and see that Crystal's online!
So I'm talking to her and she asks me how I'm doing and I tell her about how I'm doing good but need a miracle.
"I leave on saturday morning and literally have no money."
She says
"Listen... The money will come through... I just know it will.... Im gonna keep pryaing okay Love"

We literally said one more sentence each before the doorbell went downstairs and my mum called me...
So I go down and there's a package for me.
I bring it upstairs and as I'm opening it I knew.
I'm like "No way!"
I opened up a box that was full of chocolate, a couple of CDs, shower gel, moisturisers... and Money.
How Good Is My God?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?
It's not even like... heaps of money... but it's sufficient for travel from place to place...!

God is faithful. Everytime.
Actually, I've had several conversations talking about how stupid we are sometimes.
We put ourselves in this vicious cycle with God...
We need something. We freak out. He provides. We breathe. Until there's a need again. We freak out. He provides. We breathe... and so on!!

Even though I'm finding some things hard right now... I KNOW that I can trust God.
And I don't necassarily need to understand everything... maybe right now, maybe ever...
His grace alone is sufficient.

Butterfly Flutterby

I have butterflies in my tummy.
For no apparent reason.
It's happened more than once today.
It's been 1 and a 1/2 hours since this bout started.
And sometimes its uncomfortable and almost hurts!
Weird.

Joy said that maybe it means God's about to do something big.
Maybe she's right.

Who knows.

This week I've been watching a lot of Christian TV.
Well, actually.. not alot. I generally don't like TV... but this week I've managed to watch actually quite a bit of decent stuff!
Secular TV is pretty much full of trash
and most times Christian TV is budget and REALLY christianese and just.. cheesy.
Or made in 1929.

I watched an INCREDIBLE woman's conference... part of one at Hillsong, Australia... I think its called Colour or something...
But John Bevere's wife was speaking - Lisa.
It was phenomenal!
She was funny, witty, "Christian" AND SO REAL!

I've also been watching a lot of Joyce Meyer stuff... So interesting!
There were a couple of programmes that I recorded where she and christian psychologist Dr Kevin Leman.
It was awesome!
They were talking about how your memories CAN affect you but don't HAVE to.

I guess he wrote a book on it too,
They were talking about the normal patterns of behaviour depending on what the birth order in your family is... Firstborn, middle and youngest.
What happens if you're an only child...
or in a family of more than 3?!

They were talking about how children are like cement and the "wet" malleable part, is in the early years of a child's life... and what happens in a child's formative years will shape behaviour patterns throughout their lives.

It's funny too how a person can be pointing something out that you need to change in your life... a completely true thing... but the way that it's said can affect it so much...
The difference between guiding and critisising.

As a first born apparently it's easier to remember negative events, to be perfectionist (even in remembering things) to be critical... They're the guinea pig! They tend to need to dominate and be in control and HATE surprises.
Apparently, the middle child spends a lot of time comparing themself and have memories with a lot of people in them
The baby of the family is more likely to remember birthdays, christmases, surprises and be quite airy fairy about a lot of things.

I can definately see a lot of similarities with these...
I like surprises though. When I don't know that there's a surprise that's gonna happen... you know?
And the other stuff - being critical and dominating and I guess manipulative... It's stuff I've definately been aware of in my heart and life but THANK the LORD for healing and patterns being broken!
I don't think I'm completely free of everything, but heck knows I am a looooong way on from where I've been.

Thank God for change.

Regardless of me.

I should be getting ready. I'm babysitting in just over 1/2 hour. A little guy who's slightly disabled. I have no idea how to entertain him for 5 hours! I think we're gonna go to the lake and feed the ducks.
He's cute.
So I spoke at the women's meeting yesterday and I don't even think I have time right now to explain what happened... but I think I got a glimpse of what part of my ministry is/will be...
The Holy Spirit was so strong. I told them that it was funny cause half of them used to be my sunday school teachers and now I was at the front lol!
There were 16 or 17 ladies I think and it was DEFINATELY God speaking through me cause there were wet eyeballs all round.
Not that it's about whether people cry or not.
But I think that normally that's a good indication of Holy Spirit healing times in people's hearts.
I got to pray with 2 ladies who came up to me afterwards.
Let me share briefly about the second lady.
I saw her on the other side of the room kind of debating whether to come up to me...
Finally she made up her mind and came over and asked me to pray. She's just started leading worship in a church... but the church sounds like its quite religious so she's afraid to do anything other than what they're used to: verse, chorus, verse, chorus, chorus end.
kind of thing and a few other things and i'm praying all this stuff... sometimes I stumbled over my words and got somewhat tongue tied... but after the "Amen" part I looked up at her and saw her with her eyes still closed and tears streaming down her face.
i LOVED that! Purely because it reminded me of how glorious God is!!
It didn't matter that I was 19, praying for a lady in her 40s... it didn't matter that I sometimes couldn't formulate sentences and kept stuttering... all that mattered was that we were both open to the Lord... and He moved!
I love how He can use us regardless of ourselves!

Prayer requests for this now of my life are:
-> Finances -I need a miracle this week.
-> An increasing awareness of the Holy Spirit
-> My family - salvations, courage, financial stuff, wisdom etc
-> More songs - I feel like that there are songs just swimming around my soul... but I need to get them out!
->Rest - at the right times. I'm not sleeping well at all... Since being back from NY I've found myself caught in a BAD sleeping pattern....
-> A JOB!

The Be All and End All.

I think it's hysterical that my mind is full of such complex and intricate details and ideas... But ask me to put it down on paper (or the computer as this case may be!)
I can't formulate any of my thoughts into anything that makes any sense!
Blank.

Well, today I was thinking about what I wanted to be remembered for... What legacy do I want to leave behind? What will I have contributed to planet earth? What will my lifesong have been?
A little morbid maybe, but if, for example, I was to die right this very second and my funeral was say.. next week... How many people would be there? Would I be a loss to society? What would be said in speeches? Would there be a celebration of my life? People talking about the impact I'd left in their life maybe? Or would only a handful of people be there and nobody really know what to say past the awkward generic funeral speeches that so often are made.
I'm not thinking this at all in a depressing, does anyone even care about me kind of way...
No, it was a challenge to myself...
A challenge to step back and look at my life - my gift - and what I'm doing with it.
I want to have a good reputation. I want people to think of me as being lots of good things.
Not perfect.
No no no.
I am FAR from perfect.
But as human and as flawed as we are, my hope is that the good will outweigh that bad in my life.
I dont want to be remembered for being selfish or prideful, arrogant or rude... lazy or insecure, apathetic, stupid, paranoid, boring... or anything else like it.
I struggle with all of the above as I'm pretty sure most of us do.

But what kind of woman do I aim to be?
Well,

I want to be a woman of high principles. Not ever compromising who I am or what I believe.

A woman of integrity

1.	adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2.	the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

3.	a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

A woman of courage; To be able to do that even which I am afraid of.

1.	the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

2.	Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.

—Idiom

3.	have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.

A woman of compassion
1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

A woman of grace

1.	elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.

2.	a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.

3.	favor or good will, moral strength..

(There's a lot more, but I thought I'd stick to 3!)

A woman of genorosity

1.	readiness or liberality in giving.

2.	freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

3.	a generous act: We thanked him for his many generosities.

4.	largeness or fullness; amplitude.

Loyal

.	faithful to one's sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject.

2.	faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow.

3.	faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.

4.	characterized by or showing faithfulness to commitments, vows, allegiance, obligations, etc.: loyal conduct.

funny
1. providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical: a funny remark; a funny person.

kind

1.	of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person: a kind and loving person.

2.	having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence: kind words.

3.	indulgent, considerate, or helpful; humane (often fol. by to): to be kind to animals.

4.	mild; gentle; clement: kind weather.

5.	British Dialect. loving; affectionate.

I'm putting the definitions
cause sometimes I feel as though we forget what words mean.
I mean... we use them everyday, but do we even know what we're saying half the time?!

I want to be remembered for being an encourager, a good listener, for being wise and thoughtful, for being a good role model to younger girls especially, for being able to believe in that which i cannot see with my physical eyes.

The thing is, I know that I cannot do ANY of this in my own strength...

Basically, I want to be remembered for being an accurate representation of Jesus.

How do I go about that?
The way I see it we can't create anything.
We can't create any of the things in my list... or things like patience, peace, hope, joy...love...

In the Bible it says that they're gifts right?
and
on my birthday I can't pretend I've been given presents if I havn't... The only gifts I get are the ones people give to me!

I think it's kind of like that.
God gives us those "presents"
I think all he wants is a willing heart.
Sometimes I don't even have that....
But we can want to want to.
God can work with even the smallest glimmer of something small...
He's good like that.
We just have to give him permission to inspire us,
to change us,
to fill us with more goodness
and
less bad attitudes,
more creativity...
The list is endless.
God is endless.
God is limitless.
God is the be all and end all.

Beautiful

Beautiful - Bethany Dillon
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

4

FREYA GETS BACK IN 4 WEEKS!
I am so happy that I was wrong.

I'm thinking so much all the time. I wish I could find a really eloquent way to transfer some of it onto here...

I think I will sit down a bit later and try. I'm off to take Auntie Joyce (70something family friend) grocery shopping.
=)

Minutes Save Hours.

Well, I'm here again.. Sat in the same place I was last night.
I went for choir practise tonight. It was pretty fun. Its a good way to get to know some church girls a bit better...
I've been kind of thinking about a job. I dont know where to look cause I'm only here for another 18days so I'm wondering whether it's worth just doing odd jobs around for a couple of weeks.
I need money though. Really bad.
Jehovah Jireh. My Provider though.
I do my part, He does His...
Just gotta figure out what "my part" entails!
My laptop is finally back online... As crackenspiel as it is, its actually the fastest computer in the house.. plus I get skype back!
Not that I even use it...
ha.

I've blagged myself a place on Friday to go up to Cambridge with some of the youth and band... I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing... If I'll even be doing anything, but its cool just going and supporting and hanging out with people. All part of the "getting involved" part of life I seem to be in.
They've been asked to go and give testimonies and do music and stuff so that should be fun.

I cooked dinner tonight after I got in from choir practise... and I'm staring at the washing up mountain that I helped to create... Should I do it now? Or leave it till tomorrow?
Hmm... well, a wise person once told me about how "my minutes save my hours."
So I guess that means I should do it now.

I got an awesome package today from Livi... So precious!
Stuff like that, stuff that's so personal and unique and... thoughtful just... it just blows my mind!
Notes and cards and a drawing of me... and a little book she put together with pictures and notes called "Reasons I like Tash." or something and a book called "I like You."
She got sent one on DTS and it was funny cause that's something I always said... cause the other L word had lost its meaning for me and I guess sometimes you can love someone but not really like them... so I'd say " I just like you!" and it meant no less to me than if I told them I loved them....
She read it to me as a bed time story once...
and now I have it!
Totally unexpected and thoughtful.
Really hard to open cause it was SO sellotaped together!

I should do the washing up.
and go to bed.

Theoretically, that's exactly what I'm going to do =)

Seven Things

1) I cannot eat an apple without cutting it up first. It takes a lot for me to bite it and eat it like normal people do! I think it started one time when a neighbour girl was babysitting us when we were young and she showed me how to make a square core at the end of the apple consumption...random.

2) I've lived in 4 out of 7continents (lived: for 2 months or more)
Europe(England), Asia(Malaysia), Australasia(New Zealand, Fiji), America (United States).
Bam!

3) I have a very slight obesession with 3s and 7s.
But
Sometimes it overtakes me and the "slight" becomes a little more extreme.... =P

4) I used to be pretty good at Soccer and BMXing... Then I wasn't any more.

5) I love (good) surprises... Getting or Creating. Either way - i LOVE them. I love the thoughtfulness that goes into it.

6) Someday I want to go on a really really long roadtrip with a couple of good friends... In n old pick up truck or mustang or something as retro -
Music, friends, adventure... 3 of my favourite things!

7) Driving is one of my favourite things EVER. Preferably fast. With music. Good friends, or by myself... Under the stars, on a rainy day, or on a day full of glorious sunshine... Motorway or small, windy country lanes. I dont care. I just like to drive. And think a lot. And process. And pray out loud.
I just need a car now. =P

First Post (An Original Title, I'm Sure)

So, I guess I've joined the world of online journalling of sorts....
I'm making no commitments though =P
I can't promise how often I'll update on here.

I've been back in England for 10 days now and am an official bum. I have no job. I have no money. I'm constantly feeling different things and thinking about 37 things at the same time!
At the moment its about 11pm and I'm sat in the kitchen... The washing machine's washing, the tap's dripping... The fruit bowl is full for once and I'm listening to aLie Richardson on myspace.
Awesome singer/songwriter.

Tonight I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to get from JFK to ROC on 22nd... I arrive at 10:30pm and the flight leaves at 10:35... so I miss that...
Other option is a greyhound bus from NYC at 1:15, meaning i have to figure out how to get there from the airport and whether a girl on her own travelling through the city is a good idea...

When I first got back here I wanted to turn straight back around and go back to little Hamlin and build a nice little life there... Surely it'd be easier in such a godly, healthy and growing atmosphere?!
But I guess I decided to listen to what God's been saying. Not just hear, to listen. And do.
i think for a while I've felt that this is a season to be here. Get involved with church. Build solid friendships here. My closest friends (bar one) live all over the globe... which is fine by me, it's not like I dont have friends here.. but its on SUCH different levels... I guess I don't know how to explain...
Most people here don't really know me...
I cant wait for Freya to come back!
6 weeks to go.

On tuesday/wednesday I stayed at Auntie Carol's house in London. Nadine (switzerland) was with me too.
On Tuesday afternoon my mum, Nadine, Auntie Lyn and Auntie Carol and I were sat at the kitchen table and they started asking me about what my plans were and all kinds of stuff.. I didn't really have many satisfactory answers for them cause I genuinely don't have anything set in stone... Get a job, get money, get out of debt, be involved with church... see what's next....
They were asking how what I'm doing is contributing towards my ministry and calling....
Then they told me that they felt I needed to come home. To come home not just physically but mentally and in my heart... To be here. To get foundations. Cause if there was not strong foundations, my territories couldn't be enlarged... That I shouldn't go out there for any more "heart healing" cause its time to build towards my ministry.

So I find myself caught in some kind of (sometimes) seemingly contradictory situation.
I'm home... I've changed in SO many ways. I can't even put into words what happened while I was in New York. I havn't had a chance to process most of it.
But even though God did such a huge work in my heart, I find myself overwhelmed at times with my bad attitudes at home!
I'm struggling somewhat with not comparing things and people and situations.
The only time I've felt at ease and excited about being back was at church (morning and evening) on sunday just gone...

I pray that God would use me in every place that I step foot... but mostly that I would be the same at home as I am when I'm in the places I feel most comfortable...
I pray that I would be changed and transformed and that as God takes me deeper and furthur in Him, that my heart would become more thankful and grateful and less selfish!
I want to radiate His glory and goodness and faithfulness even on a bad day!