The Quest

Monday 1st December

The shaking has subsided.
The weight has lifted.
Hope has fallen from Heaven and touched my soul.

Peace tentatively embraces my skin.
I am so sure of forgiveness and mercy...
yet I almost anticipate feeling the shame again.

But I will not let it.
I will fight.
I must fight.

I have to choose to believe
and not feel.

The consequences are enough alone
without guilt inviting itself into my conscience.

I’ve been shaken to the core.
Everything I thought was, isn’t
who I thought I was, I guess I’m not...
But maybe I am.

I need an increase.
An increase of admirable things.
A decrease of selfishness.

Things have to change now.
I wish I knew what and how.
I wish I could draw a map of my life onto some blank paper
and see the directions to the grand finale.

I am not strong.
But I am not weak.
I do not claim to know everything.
But my brain is not empty.

There are parts of me which are obviously torn,

parts of my soul which have subtle flaws.
But I am on a quest for freedom,
A quest for the wounds which have stung me for so long
to be gone.
Not just forgotten about
or swept under the rug
But to be healed from the inside out.

Why is it almost embarrassing to be real?
Why is openness so seemingly problematic?
Why is vulnerability so apparently complex?
Why is it just plain difficult to accept that I am loved?
Oh, the complexity of simplicity.

I can’t give when I have nothing.
Do I have nothing?
Is that really it?
Am I void? Am I just a deserted space?

Why is it so much easier for the bad to almost overwhelm the good?
The battle is won.
Why is it still being fought?

I feel the sting of sin resting constantly on my skin.
What door did I open to let this nonsense in?
GET OFF ME.

My eyes are heavy
But I need my mind to be alert.
I need to choose to place my thoughts above what I see before me.
To fix my thoughts on... not me.

I feel as though I need a new perspective, a different reality
but maybe I just need to change the angle of my vision.

It’s funny how even when I feel right again
I feel like my eyes look dull,
like a light got switched off...

But I know the truth.

I know that mountains have been and will be moved.
My mountains may look like fear
and pride
and disgrace...
But mustard seeds are full of fire and life.

Maybe this is the part before the crescendo.
Maybe before and after soaring heights there has to be a low.
Maybe... Just maybe the foundations are shaking
so that the debris can be cleared before the next big thing...

As I sit here and think about a multitude of things
I am suddenly nearly almost overwhelmed
with a quietness.
A graceful peace.
A boldness.
A spark of new interest.
A powerful stillness.

I change my fear of the unknown, to
trust.
Trusting beyond what I see and feel.
Choosing to believe what I know to be real.

The tightness in my chest is trying to return
but I will fight for each breathe
until I don’t need to anymore.

In through the nose...
Out through the mouth...

Everything else fades into oblivion...
I might not know exactly how to feel
or what to do,
But suddenly, that’s just ok.