Friday 28th November 2008
I can’t quite formulate thoughts right now enough to think,
So I’m gonna write.
But I don’t know how to start.
I don’t know where to start.
My soul hurts.
I can’t stop the salty water from falling out of my soul and running down my cheeks.
Consider this my prayer.
Father forgive me for I have sinned.
And the worst part is that I blatantly disobeyed you.
All I know in my heart is that I find rest in You.
But my mind is going in between being numb
and thinking of three thousand things at once.
Help me Jesus.
Show me how to reflect you even now, even in the midst of this seemingly dark place.
Give me strength to fight.
Create in me a clean heart... A pure heart.
Give me understanding... Why did I do such a series of stupid things?
How do I learn from, without holding on to?
How do I praise you through this storm without feeling like a hypocrite?
I’m not even worthy to be in your presence, so would it be wrong of me to keep seeking it?
In my head I know that I should seek and worship you at ALL times...
So Jesus,
Silence the fear. Silence the doubt. Silence the unforgiveness. Silence the confusion.
Silence the ignorance. Silence the condemnation. Silence the judgement.
Silence the over analysing. Silence the panic. Silence the pity.
Remind me what hope is, what it means.
Show me how to keep my heart from turning to stone,
from blocking out every good thing.
to the cause and reason of my actions
and show me what I need to do to get rid of it.
Because I will do whatever it takes.
I will not give up.
I will not stop fighting.
Be my strength. Be my source.
I feel like I’m suffocating.
You breathed life into me in the beginning
so would it be rude of me to ask You
to fill my lungs again?
You turned water into wine and walked on the ocean.
You fed 5,000 and gave sight to the blind.
You dined with the outcasts of society.
You were fully man yet complete divinity.
The miracles I need go more along the lines of needing peace.
To see change.
For every wounded part of me to be restored
For every breath that I even take to bring glory to not me,
but You.
To be an accurate representation of You
King Jesus.
The miracles I need go more along the lines of being forgiven
Not by you. I believe you forgave me when I asked...
But by those whom I have done wrong by.
For relationships to be restored.
Not necessarily to the way things were before,
because change is important, change is inevitable
But to the point of being able to talk
back to the point of being able to laugh
To the point of being able to cry and share dreams and fears once more.
To the point of the awkwardness being gone.
Show me how to forgive myself.
I need a miracle of the heart.
Let me start by giving you me again.
I choose You.
Let Hallelujah run through my veins.
Let every breath I take make you proud
I want to hear your voice so loudly within my being
that it resonates
and rings as clear as it rings true.
I dishonoured You. I brought disgrace to Your Holy name.
Yet my portion is not pain, it is not shame.
I don’t need to be afraid.
Show me how to deal with the consequence of my sin
yet live fully covered by the grace
that only You give.
I choose to know that you love me regardless of what I do.
I can’t help but love you.
I am drowning in a lake of confusion
yet saturated in grace – goodness that I by no means deserve.
Tear down the walls that I seem to be effortlessly building
around my heart.
Fling each stone as far away from me as You can.
Rescue me from my subconscious.
Rescue me from every arrow that is being flung at me.
Rescue me from weariness.
Rescue me.
Keep my heart malleable.
Keep my mind alert.
Keep my heart open and ready.
Jesus, you invade my soul.
Immerse me in your love.
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