LoveLoveLove

I woke up at 6:30 this morning... now it's nearly 8.
I woke up because I had a dream about a friend... Its wasn't a happy dream.

After being awake and not being able to go back to sleep (I think it was cause my heart was pounding so violently!) I signed into Facebook and was just catching up with a few emails etc and then my friend updated their status... So I signed into the Instant Messenger and we had an awesome talk... He's really struggling with some things right now and it was good to talk with him, even if it was just for a short time...

After he signed out to go to bed, I was also talking to another friend who was crazy-excited about Jesus! She was just typing away about all these things... I shared about how I'd been in a bit of a funk recently and that now I felt slight breakthrough...
I said how I feel like I'm breaking out of my chrysalis and every now and then I get a glorious glimpse of sunlight and breathe in the fresh air... and then fall back into the cocoon thing...
She said how it was just a season and how I just needed to cling onto HOPE and LOVE.
I told her how sometimes I felt like they were on this bar that I just couldn't reach sometimes... That sometimes it seemed like they were this metal pole that was playing a game that was the opposite of the chicken limbo and that the bar just got higher and higher and further and further out of reach.
Then I laughed and shared this random picture that I got:
Ok, you know those metal poles that people use to do those pull up things? I think they're called chin ups...
And you know in the movies there's always the one little guy that can't do it?
So, that's me.
And then you know how sometimes you get the kind other guy who picks up the weak kid and holds them up and moves them up and down? Taking all of the strain... but the little guy is the one holding onto the pole...
So the big, strong, kind guy... That's like Jesus.
Most girls I know HATE being picked up and carried... I know I sure as heck do.
But I guess that's all we need to do is to give permission for Jesus to be our strong superhero type guy and pick us up and hold us up to the bar of hope and love... Let's face it... If he's got the whole world in His hands, it's not like He can't hold our weight too!

Love has been coming up a lot in these 2 hours that I've been awake... Even in my dream actually...
But yeah, blogs about it... conversation (well, IM anyway!)... thoughts...
Sometimes it's really easy for 1 Corinthians to become cliche... But i think it's one of the most incredible verses and it's one I know I definately need to be reminded of more often!

The Way of Love

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

(The Message Bible)

Blessings in the Desert Places/Battle Spaces

It's time for a new blog.
I just got that feeling tonight... I'm havn't decided exactly what to write yet though!
I've been sick and in bed for most of 5 days with high fever, back and hip pains, coughing, headaches... blah blah.
I've slept more than I previously thought humanly possible... and thought more than I have in a long time. Some thought processes have been somewhat delusional, but there's been some good stuff in there too...!
I havn't blogged in a while because I guess I havn't known what to say... I've been in a, and maybe still am in, a funk.
Some of it's self inflicted probably.
And I don't really wish to go into details about a lot of it...
But
it's been an interesting couple of weeks... That's for sure!

A lot of stuff within my heart that I wasn't very aware of has been brought to the fore front of my consciousness and knowing how or where or when to deal with things is a battle within itself!
I have so many questions and things I need to find out... Maybe that's part of my female prerogative... but too, I need to find the balance of getting answers to some questions and being ok with never knowing the answers to others... Right now, the second option doesn't make me happy! But such is life...

I love that even in the midst of our desert places/battle spaces God can still bless above and beyond what we even need though!
When I was in Hamlin, NY I was reminded of a desire I'd hidden somewhere deep in my heart to play piano... A dream of mine is to be able to lead worship using a piano... There's just something about it that touches my soul like nothing else!
So I started to play... I would close the door (thus providing a "false sense of security" as Jenessa called it!) and just play... I would ask for help sometimes and sometimes I would just play for probably what was to every one else obnoxious amounts of time!
But even if I'm playing the same thing over and over and over again, I get lost... Time has no effect...
One day maybe in October I was on the phone to my mum in England and asked if we could get a piano, knowing the answer ahead of time would be a big No.
It was.

Within the first few days of being home at the end of the month my mum said to me how the day I'd asked her over the phone about the piano, dad had come home from work saying he'd got a phonecall from an old friend asking if we wanted a piano... And he'd said yes...!

Well, after a lot of phone calls and organisation, yesterday my dad calls up late afternoon asking if we'd cleared a space cause they were on their way over with a piano. When I asked how big of a space, he said "well... it's quite big"
So dad's information to us before this day was only that it would need tuning and that it was an upright.

So the van pulls up outside the house and dad, Levi and a family friend Paul come inside the house to assess the space that mum and I had cleared in the front room...In between my coughing and blowing my nose, I told him the story of the timing of his phone call and he said "You do know it's a grand piano right?!"
um... excuse me?
I told him he was lying.
so they brought the top of it in to prove it, and to find a space.
The space mum and I had cleared would have been more than adaquate for an upright...normal piano... but a grand?! really?
That had always been one of my secret dreams.
We decided it wasn't fair to take up the majority of the living room with a piano so we fixed a space in the study... and the men got to work.
And now in my house there is an old grand piano... I don't even know what date it was made... it looks out of place as anything, it takes up ridiculous amounts of space, its got a few chips... but I love it! It has so much character!
Its just been lying in someones outside shed for a long time so we're waiting for it to adjust (so the keys stop sticking) before getting a someone to come and tune it...
but seriously...
who gets given a grand piano?!

The Quest

Monday 1st December

The shaking has subsided.
The weight has lifted.
Hope has fallen from Heaven and touched my soul.

Peace tentatively embraces my skin.
I am so sure of forgiveness and mercy...
yet I almost anticipate feeling the shame again.

But I will not let it.
I will fight.
I must fight.

I have to choose to believe
and not feel.

The consequences are enough alone
without guilt inviting itself into my conscience.

I’ve been shaken to the core.
Everything I thought was, isn’t
who I thought I was, I guess I’m not...
But maybe I am.

I need an increase.
An increase of admirable things.
A decrease of selfishness.

Things have to change now.
I wish I knew what and how.
I wish I could draw a map of my life onto some blank paper
and see the directions to the grand finale.

I am not strong.
But I am not weak.
I do not claim to know everything.
But my brain is not empty.

There are parts of me which are obviously torn,

parts of my soul which have subtle flaws.
But I am on a quest for freedom,
A quest for the wounds which have stung me for so long
to be gone.
Not just forgotten about
or swept under the rug
But to be healed from the inside out.

Why is it almost embarrassing to be real?
Why is openness so seemingly problematic?
Why is vulnerability so apparently complex?
Why is it just plain difficult to accept that I am loved?
Oh, the complexity of simplicity.

I can’t give when I have nothing.
Do I have nothing?
Is that really it?
Am I void? Am I just a deserted space?

Why is it so much easier for the bad to almost overwhelm the good?
The battle is won.
Why is it still being fought?

I feel the sting of sin resting constantly on my skin.
What door did I open to let this nonsense in?
GET OFF ME.

My eyes are heavy
But I need my mind to be alert.
I need to choose to place my thoughts above what I see before me.
To fix my thoughts on... not me.

I feel as though I need a new perspective, a different reality
but maybe I just need to change the angle of my vision.

It’s funny how even when I feel right again
I feel like my eyes look dull,
like a light got switched off...

But I know the truth.

I know that mountains have been and will be moved.
My mountains may look like fear
and pride
and disgrace...
But mustard seeds are full of fire and life.

Maybe this is the part before the crescendo.
Maybe before and after soaring heights there has to be a low.
Maybe... Just maybe the foundations are shaking
so that the debris can be cleared before the next big thing...

As I sit here and think about a multitude of things
I am suddenly nearly almost overwhelmed
with a quietness.
A graceful peace.
A boldness.
A spark of new interest.
A powerful stillness.

I change my fear of the unknown, to
trust.
Trusting beyond what I see and feel.
Choosing to believe what I know to be real.

The tightness in my chest is trying to return
but I will fight for each breathe
until I don’t need to anymore.

In through the nose...
Out through the mouth...

Everything else fades into oblivion...
I might not know exactly how to feel
or what to do,
But suddenly, that’s just ok.

Prayer.

Friday 28^th November 2008

I can’t quite formulate thoughts right now enough to think,
So I’m gonna write.
But I don’t know how to start.
I don’t know where to start.
My soul hurts.
I can’t stop the salty water from falling out of my soul and running down my cheeks.

Consider this my prayer.

Father forgive me for I have sinned.
And the worst part is that I blatantly disobeyed you.
All I know in my heart is that I find rest in You.
But my mind is going in between being numb
and thinking of three thousand things at once.

Help me Jesus.

Show me how to reflect you even now, even in the midst of this seemingly dark place.
Give me strength to fight.
Create in me a clean heart... A pure heart.
Give me understanding... Why did I do such a series of stupid things?
How do I learn from, without holding on to?
How do I praise you through this storm without feeling like a hypocrite?
I’m not even worthy to be in your presence, so would it be wrong of me to keep seeking it?
In my head I know that I should seek and worship you at ALL times...

So Jesus,
Silence the fear. Silence the doubt. Silence the unforgiveness. Silence the confusion.
Silence the ignorance. Silence the condemnation. Silence the judgement.
Silence the over analysing. Silence the panic. Silence the pity.

Remind me what hope is, what it means.
Show me how to keep my heart from turning to stone,
from blocking out every good thing.

Take me to the root;
to the cause and reason of my actions
and show me what I need to do to get rid of it.
Because I will do whatever it takes.
I will not give up.
I will not stop fighting.
Be my strength. Be my source.

I feel like I’m suffocating.
You breathed life into me in the beginning
so would it be rude of me to ask You
to fill my lungs again?

You turned water into wine and walked on the ocean.
You fed 5,000 and gave sight to the blind.
You dined with the outcasts of society.
You were fully man yet complete divinity.

The miracles I need go more along the lines of needing peace.
To see change.
For every wounded part of me to be restored
For every breath that I even take to bring glory to not me,
but You.
To be an accurate representation of You
King Jesus.

The miracles I need go more along the lines of being forgiven
Not by you. I believe you forgave me when I asked...
But by those whom I have done wrong by.
For relationships to be restored.
Not necessarily to the way things were before,
because change is important, change is inevitable
But to the point of being able to talk
back to the point of being able to laugh
To the point of being able to cry and share dreams and fears once more.
To the point of the awkwardness being gone.

Show me how to forgive myself.

I need a miracle of the heart.

I want to surrender... But show me what, show me how
Let me start by giving you me again.
I choose You.
Let Hallelujah run through my veins.
Let every breath I take make you proud
I want to hear your voice so loudly within my being
that it resonates
and rings as clear as it rings true.

I dishonoured You. I brought disgrace to Your Holy name.
Yet my portion is not pain, it is not shame.
I don’t need to be afraid.
Show me how to deal with the consequence of my sin
yet live fully covered by the grace
that only You give.

I choose to know that you love me regardless of what I do.
I can’t help but love you.
I am drowning in a lake of confusion
yet saturated in grace – goodness that I by no means deserve.

Tear down the walls that I seem to be effortlessly building
around my heart.
Fling each stone as far away from me as You can.

Rescue me from my subconscious.
Rescue me from every arrow that is being flung at me.
Rescue me from weariness.
Rescue me.
Keep my heart malleable.
Keep my mind alert.
Keep my heart open and ready.

Jesus, you invade my soul.
Immerse me in your love.

Out of Time.

I’m sat on the plane. I don’t have much time before my battery runs out.

When I see Joy I will have been travelling for over 30 hours. That’s longer than it took me to get to NZ! I’m on the flight from Gatwick to Charlotte at the moment, I have a 4 hour stopover (where I get to see an old friend and her new baby!) and then onto JFK... then a 1:15am bus in Manhattan. Madness.

I read this verse in the Bible earlier (I had 2 hours of waiting around in Gatwick!) and I think it was in Ecclesiastes... It said something like “Don’t look back on the ‘good times’. That is foolish.” And it got me thinking. I guess what Solomon was trying to say was about the whole living in today not yesterday thing... But I just wonder where the balance is... I guess it’s ok to remember and think about the past sometimes... but not to dwell on and try to recapture every second of it... Cause there’s a definite beauty in today, but not if we’re trying to make it was yesterday was... I don’t know.

I have no concept of time right now! As I write this, its 6:45pm in England, but I don’t even know what the local place is, let alone the time zone...

It’s a pretty bizarre concept when you think about it... being almost out of time, but not really.
You know what would be really epic? If they had wireless internet on the plane!

I wonder if Jane’s had her baby yet. I personally think he’s waiting for Sunday... That’s the day I get there ;)

Nadine arrives in JFK today too... but she gets there a while before me. If she still doesn’t know I’m going to surprise her... it’s pretty funny to my soul.
While she was staying at my house when I first got back a couple of weeks ago, the amount of times people slipped up and said stuff is shocking!

But I think we covered pretty well. I hope so.

I’m so excited about this week. It’s kind of bittersweet though because it’s more goodbyes and not knowing the next time we get to see each other again...
I havn’t seen Jon and JJ in 10 months and I havn’t seen Joni in 9 months... So it’s SO good to be able to see them for the weekend! (It’ll be good to see Nadine too but it’s different cause I just saw her 3 weeks ago =P) I guess we’re all so different now. I wonder how it will be...
It’ll be so good to be all together again!

Hopefully this week is full of good things.
My battery’s about to die so I should probably save this and shut down...

But in closing...
God still astounds me. I can’t believe that He is just so... I don’t even know what word to use! I just stared at the computer screen for a good while... cause how do you capture God in one word?

Pretty much, you don’t...

But I wish more people could just know the reality of Him, the freedom in Him and the adventures with Him.

When I said "adventures...."

The Coat From His Back.

It’s 3am. I have left my house 25 hours ago... and I’m stuck in JFK, NY for at least another 4 hours.
Let me share about my eventful day/evening.

Everything was going well, I flew London- Charlotte, met Rachel, hung out for a while, went to the airport, checked in, got on the plane, took off at 8:30pm for a 2 hour flight. I remember when we got above the clouds and the stars seemed so close... The clouds below were blocking out the city lights so it was pitch black and these glorious stars... Orion’s belt was the one that was most obvious... After just a little while, I fell asleep.

I woke up to the sound of the captain over the intercom saying that unfortunately due to weather circumstances they’d been sent on a route 100 miles out of the way and as they hadn’t forseen this, they were about to run out of fuel so were going to land in Pennsylvania to refuel and that it would take 20 minutes. We took off an hour later.

During the waiting onboard, everybody seemed to be bonding with a common factor... A intense frustration with the airline.

There was nobody in the seat next to mine and there was one man sat in the seats adjacent. He started telling me how this was the fourth time with this airline that something had gone wrong... and when he was done I said that I hoped I would catch my bus from Port of Authority in Manhattan.
He was very helpful and told me my best route and all sorts.

The more time went on, the more concerned he got that I wouldn’t make it. He let me use my phone to let the Ebel’s know that I was in Pennsylvania and then he got the number for greyhound to see if he could find out whether they would hold the bus... All he got was automated services though.

When we got off the plane he stuck with me and said he’d help me on my way. So we got to the baggage claims and waited for a MILLION years (in the least literal sense!) for my suitcase and guitar and he was so helpful going and asking different people different things to try to help me out.

Eventually we got outside and saw a sign saying $15 bus straight to the bus station... He told me to wait where I was (by now it’s maybe 12:30?) and he went and spoke to someone. He came back and said he had bad news and that the cop had told him that the $15 bus had stopped at 11pm. I could get a $50 taxi but couldn’t guarantee that I’d make the bus. He took off his coat and told me to wear it. I said no. He told me to wear it... He pointed out that he had another one... It’s not even a particularly nice coat but instantly I remembered that verse in the bible where Jesus talks about giving someone the coat off your back if they needed it. I think that’s what it says. My brain isn’t fully functioning right now!

Anyways, the first man (whose name I never found out) said that getting a taxi would be silly cause I’d just end up getting there and not being allowed to stay overnight...
By this point I’m nearly in tears, I just want to get to Joy right?! So I used his phone again and spoke to her and we figured that I’d stay at the airport and go to the bus station first thing in the morning and let her know what time I’d arrive.

He went to leave and handed me $20 and told me to eat. The last time I’d eaten was a sandwich on the plane at 2pm.

The policeman then took me into the terminal and said how it would be closed, but that I had his permission to stay there. He let me use the phone to call Joy back to see if she’d found out any greyhound times for the morning... she hadn’t.

He took me to a vending machine cause that’s all there was around so I got a couple of things.
He left and told me that if there was any problems to tell them to call him.

As he walked away a security guard came and told me I had to leave. I told him what had happened and that he needed to go and speak to the police man. This was the bit that apparently tipped me off the edge and tears started falling down my face. I guess guys don’t know how to handle that sometimes. He left pretty fast.
But he came back really soon saying that he couldn’t find the cop and that I had to wait around the corner by the entrance until the officer came back round.

I went and sat down and started to eat until another security guard came and told me I had to leave... I tried to explain to him that the cop had told me not to move and the whole story but then another lady from the airline came over.
I was too tired to argue. They told me where to go and half an hour later here I was in terminal 4.
I’m too tired to sleep... and too nervous that I’ll sleep for too long, or my stuff will get thieved! And I’m past the stage of hungry and I just think this is hysterical now!

If things had gone the way they were meant to I would be 5 hours from being with Joy. Instead I’m closer to 5 hours till I can even get on the bus!

The thing about this story is that 2 guys who aren’t even Christians went out of their way to make sure I was ok... and it really touched me! If they hadn’t have been around I wouldn’t have had a clue what to do or where to go.

I love that God can use anybody. I love that His hand of protection is over me and that he keeps me safe. I love that my God is bigger than all these minor catastrophes that happened.

And the best bit is?! I’m not cold in the process.

I Stand In Awe.

What a day!

Its nearly 2:30am and I still havn't packed... and I still have to shower...
and I leave at 6:30 to get to Gatwick...
I just got off the phone with Ashley and then Livi...
I just love them.
Ashley's phone died after a short time but it was so good to hear just a bit of what the Lord has done in her life in the last few months since we last got to speak....
And Livi... She just blesses my soul... So much...

Tonight I got given money. Randomly.
I'm choosing not to write exactly how because I want it to kind of stay anonymous... But I got given $100 and instructions to buy a coat and whatever else I need...
I also got given £40 towards travel and whatever else I need.
Also I got given $100 dollars and 3 items to buy and whatever change there is I can have.
SO.
In total, in the last 3 days I have been given $220!! plus the change from the $100...
I get money left over after my travel costs!!
How Great Is Our God???
Some people have said to me before
" After the last couple of years, you of all people should know God's provision."
And yes, I do... and I should...
but
like I said in my last entry, its that vicious cycle...
and most of the money that has been provided before has been for mission stuff... This is just a holiday!
And the fact that God cares enough about me to not let me fall flat on my face, kissing the foreign soil... It astounds me!
The past couple of days I've been just claiming God's promises.
Not out of panic... But just as "God! You have said that You are my shepherd and I SHALL NOT BE IN WANT... You've said that if I ask I WILL RECEIVE..." And thanking Him that He's perfect and cannot go back on His promises...
I love that His Grace alone is sufficient...
That even though I'm so selfish and full of bad attitudes some of the time... He still provides.

Tonight I went to a joint worship and praise night... it was Raze (14-17s) and Avenue (18s-30s)
and it was really good to just... worship... to let go and worship...

Afterwards I was kind of sat at the back of the hall... not wanting to leave, but not wanting to talk to anyone... I was still just in awe of God and slightly speechless (I think I made up for it on the phone with Liv though haha!)
and so I was reading the Bible... I read a bit of Esther and a bit of Job...

Anna came up to me. She's 14 and she just loves Jesus! I love how much she's grown in the last 3/4 months!
She came and caught my eye and laughed and then she just started praying for me!
Just all this stuff... that was just so... perfect! (Isn't it cool that it doesn't matter what age you are, you can still hear the voice of God?!)
She got this picture that was so... spot on... I couldn't help but smile when part of it was that I was dancing...
When I was in NY... nearly every day something would come up about dance.
Its a big area in my life that is being worked on. Freedom to Dance... It's coming!

I love God.
It makes me sad that so many Christians even, just don't know the reality of God...

Cause seriously... who gets sent money in the mail and handed hundreds of dollars in one night...!?