Dear Friends.

I wonder if you know how much you inspire me.

I wonder if you know how much you confuse me.

I wonder if you know how much I wished I knew where you are... and how you are.

I wonder if you mean when you say you love and miss me.

I wonder if, when we hang out, you're really there... or if your mind is far away.

I wonder if you realise how much my heart hurts that I don't really know you anymore.

I wonder if you realise how much you make me laugh.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate how you always manage to say and do the right thing at the right time.

I wonder if you know how much I love your laugh. All of your laughs =P

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate the days you randomly appear in my life.

I wonder if you meant when you said that all was ok and forgiven.

I wonder if you know how much I wish I didn't hear the twinge of sadness everytime I hear your voice.

I wonder if one day I'll look into your eyes and see freedom.

I wonder if I'll ever be half the wife/mother you are.

I wonder if we'll ever be able to just be... or if there'll always be a shadow.

I wonder if I'll ever just know what to do - how to be there for you.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to fully trust you.

I wonder if you know that I know about that thing you tried so desperately to hide.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate your mission to know me.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate your random little emails and notes and packages.

I wonder if you know what an honour it is when you let me catch a glimpse of your soul.

I wonder if you understand how much my life has changed since you came in it.

I wonder if you know how much I look forward to seeing your face every time.

I wonder if you realise how much you challenge me to know God more.

I wonder if you'll ever give up trying to fight what you know is truth.

I wonder if you'll ever see the power that your words have in and over my life.

I wonder if you'll one day see the treasure you are.

I wonder if one day you'll stop trying to hide behind everybody and anybody else.

I wonder if you'll know how amazing you are.

I wonder if you see the amazing growth in your life over the last months and years.

I wonder if you know that I learn so much from you. All the time.

I wonder if you know how much I wish I didn't get tongue tied when I need to say something important to you.

I wonder if you'd hear me if I told you that Every Little Thing's Gonna Be Alright.

I wonder if you know how grateful I am for the role that you played/are playing/will play in my life.

I wonder if you see how blessed you are, how loved you are.

I wonder if you know how cherished you are.

I wonder if your tattoo hurt.

I wonder if you remember how to rest.

I wonder if you ever stop thinking.

I wonder if I ever stop thinking.

I wonder if you'll ever complete your "mission."

I wonder if you know how much i miss your adventurous spirit and the randomness you brought into my life.

I wonder if you'll ever fully see yourself the way Jesus sees you.

I wonder if you'll know how much you inspired me to be real.

I wonder if you're excited about the year ahead.

I wonder if you know how much I wish we'd gotten to say goodbye.

I wonder if I'll ever stop doing things and wishing you were there to do them with me.

I wonder if you miss my daily dilemas.

I wonder if you know how sorry I am.

I wonder what the Lord's doing in and through you right now.

I wonder how your heart is.

I wonder how your brainwaves are.

I wonder where you are on a scale of 1-10.

I wonder if you know that I mean when I say that I love you. And I miss you.

And I hope you're ok. Like really.

psalm 30:5

Though the sorrow may last for the night (time of darkness)
His joy comes in the morning.
or mourning.

peace.

You know when you're awake in the middle of the night for some reason and you can't figure out why?
You know when you're just getting sleepy... but then suddenly you're wide awake and can't envision sleep happening anytime soon?

You just heard some news...

Something that barely affects your day to day life but you are all too aware of the way it's going to affect and have effect so many other's lives...

You know when you grieve and then wonder if it's selfish because you're so distantly related to this 'situation' and you know what you're feeling probably can't compare to 'the others?'

You know when you wish you could do something. anything.
but you can't.

You know when you get a searing pain through your chest and can't stop literally shaking.
until you pray.

You know when you can't even begin to imagine, you know when you don't even WANT to imagine, the implications that this will have in the lives of those you love? And the lives of those you have never even, and probably never will meet...?

You know how you can grieve yet still have peace.

You know when you have no idea what God's doing... but you know that He's doing something.

You know how when you're praying for people and all you can see is the way their faces, all of them, lit up when they talked about her... about how beautiful she was. inside and out.

You know how when you think about what it would feel like to be in their shoes it almost tears you apart?

You know how your only memories of her are very short and somewhat vague... but you just KNEW that she had a truly beautiful soul...

You know how you're glad your paths got intertwined... even if it was just briefly. very briefly.

You know how you go to talk, to let them know you're thinking of them and praying... but all that comes out is jumble?

You know how you wish you had the right words. Is there even such a thing?

Funny that just this morning these are the two verses that I read and was blown away by again:

John 14:27 (Amplified Bible)

27Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]

(The Message)

25-27"I'm telling you these things while I'm still living with you. The Friend, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send at my request, will make everything plain to you. He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I'm leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. I don't leave you the way you're used to being left—feeling abandoned, bereft. So don't be upset. Don't be distraught.

Philippians 4:7 (The Message)

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

(Amplified Bible)

7And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Remember

Sometimes I wonder why we're so forgetful.

Just a few months ago we could have a conversation and I would forget it within seconds.
My hands were COVERED in reminders.
I would ask everybody to remind me about everything.
I would warn people that I would probably forget things.
And forget things I did.
I forgot instructions soon after being given them... large chunks of my childhood... just gone. Even significant parts of my "life story" just
gone.
And I would get SO frustrated at myself.
When I had been in NY for a while one day Ness pointed out that I hadn't written on my hand for a while and that I actually had a pretty good memory these days.
It made a nice change!
Spiritual affects the physical.
I'm learning that more and more.

But

there's another load of forgetfulness that we suffer from too.

We forget to be grateful for what we have.
We forget the goodness of God.
We forget that life doesn't always have to go our way for it to be ok.
We forget how important prayer, worship, fellowship and accountability are.
We forget that it's ok to fall... but we need to fall into His arms, not onto our own two feet.
We forget to rest.
We forget to trust.
We forget about faith.
We forget that God cannot lie. It's just impossible.
We forget that there is a real battle going on... an epic battle of good vs evil. Pick a team.(P.S The good already won.)
We forget to pursue truth. The truth really has, does and will set us free.
We forget to laugh. I think it's important to be full of joy. Even in adversity. Laughter is VERY healing!

I am guilty as charged on all of the above.
and then some.

But we should just remember to take it easy and not let stuff consume us.
Unless it's God. God should consume us.

When we're worrying or full of fear... or doubt... or working a lot... or excited about something cool that happened... or just anything really, it's easy to forget that God wants to be centre of that...
And when we go to Him first with EVERYTHING, just watch everything fall into place!

We should encourage eachother to speak positively. Words have power. Really. They do.
We can speak things into existance. What are you creating with your words?
In the Bible it talks about how our words have the power of life and death.
I personally would prefer to be speaking good things into the lives of my friends and family... and strangers... and myself.
How about you?
I've found that when we focus on the good stuff, the bad stuff doesn't seem so evident anyway.

Let's ask the Lord to help us to live life with His eyes, with His ears... Let's ask Him to saturate us. To flood us with zest and tenacity... to teach how to respect ourselves and eachother... To show us how to be more than real - to be authentic... Let's ask Him to show us how to correctly prioritise our lives... To take us to new levels of obedience and humility.

I pray that we would speak with more than words.
I pray that truth would become more than "cliche."
I pray that we would live out the freedom that already belongs to us.

I pray that we wouldn't settle for second best.
I pray that we would be a constant source of encouragement and blessing and truth to those around us.
I pray that even in the darkest places we're so rooted in the love of Christ that we can't help but shine.

I pray that we would realise our true authority in Christ and walk in it.
I pray that we would no longer be bound and crippled by fears and insecurities.
I pray that wherever we're at on this journey that we would know the reality of Jesus and what he did for us... and the implications of the cross today.

I pray that we would have teachable spirits that we may learn everything that God has for us in every situation.
I pray that we wouldn't be afraid to dream and have goals and acheive.
I pray that God truly would have first place in our hearts and lives.

Let it be so.

New Song. (Can you think of a name?!)

This lonely road is getting kind of old
it's just going round in circles.
It's repetition of feelings I thought I'd dealt with
But apparently I just hid

Cause in this time I'm reminded of my need for a saviour
to be my lifeline
Cause as hard as I try I can't do this in my own strength
-my legs are so tired

From walking this endless road that's going nowhere
I need divine intervention.

I think my back's bruised, don't think I can move
I'm being consumed by a dark and heavy feeling
So Jesus would you come and remove
what is not of you. Replace it with truth

Now I can breathe
Now I dream
Now I can be more than I ever believed that I could be
Now I can stand in victory,
shake the dust of my feet
I walk in liberty
I am free, I am free, I am free

And in this time I still have the need for a saviour
you're my only lifeline
And as hard as I try
I'll never make without you by my side

to walk this windy road
I believe help my unbelief
I give you my heart
fix it back together
piece by piece
I give you my dreams
and you can have my deepest fears

Jesus Christ
Be Lord of my
everything.

I love you.

3 simple words.

Yet they hold such meaning.
or do they?
I mean... they should.
But these days sometimes I feel like they have almost lost their meaning... like society has almost become immune to the power of those words and all of it's implications.
It's definately something i struggle with.
I mean, Jesus talks all the time about love and how vital it is
and woah. God IS love.
People's perception of what it is can sometimes be so twisted... maybe due to wounds and hurts of their past, maybe due to not even knowing what love really is... Many reasons.
It's SO easy to get caught up in thinking that love has to be earnt... or warranted... or love is attraction... maybe love is materialistic and is in how much you buy for someone...
maybe to love you have to be with someone all the time... maybe call a lot and text/email...
Well, there are definately love languages... 5 different ways that people receieve/give love:
words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch...
So some of that's ok... But in balance.
We need to get our needs met first and foremost by God...
Love. four letters that spin my world around.
See, i used to say "i love you" really easily... to friends, to people maybe i didn't even know that well... Then i got told how it had almost lost it's meaning because I said it so much...
So i didn't say it anymore...
Then it became almost a fear to say it.
It took A LOT for me to say it... to anybody. Even my closest friends...
Love in my world has definately been misused and warped... but the more I knew Jesus, the more I was falling in LOVE with Him and the more i was learning to be loved (which FYI is at times freaking difficult... to be loved... for me anyways.)
So where did this leave me?
Now that i was learning what love truly meant... should I still have boundaries? should I still let people know how much they meant to me? would they know that I truly meant when i said that i loved them? Was it more than pleasantries or nice words? And what if they didn't say it back? Or what if I appear to call/email more? Does that mean that it's imbalanced?
It's hard to give without receving sometimes... That's why our identity and dependancy needs to be only in God...
Honestly, I have no conclusion.
A huge fear of it was broken while I was in New York the first time...
but slowly I've noticed that it's getting harder and harder for me to say it.
Sometimes it's hard for me not to say it.
Like if someone says "I love you."
what do you say back?! well... if you change the subject it's rude, if you ignore it is that disrespecting their potentially heartfelt words... If you're silent, it's just awkward...
Sometimes I find that i say it almost as a reflex... because i'm overanalysing (I do that. A lot.)
I honestly have no conclusion.
Other than that it really is ok to love.
But I guess the 3 words are nothing if we don't truly mean it... And how do we mean it?
Well... If God is love, than surely the more we know Him, the more we know love...

I way over complicate things.
But yeah... I know for sure that if God is love and I love God then I love love... i love to love. I love to be loved... and umm... I don't know how to tie up all the thoughts in my head or if these ones even make sense.

goodnight =P

TAGGED!

Explanation - Post the fourth picture on the fourth folder of your pictures and explain! oh yeah, and tag 4 more people.

Ok, as I said before, my computer died so i have no albums of pictures, but this is the fourth picture from the fourth album on my facebook.

Its Sully and his banjo and Walker and his guitar...
One night in thhheee 3rd week of september i believe, when I was in Hamlin, NY
a mutual friend of Joy, Jaron and me came to stay for the weekend... and on the sunday night a group of us went to Jaron's house and went into the forest clearing in his back yard and made a bonfire... It was amazing!
The stars were out...
Most of the others had been to a barn dance the night before (Ness and I we conviently babysitting that night =P)
so they recreated it.
It was amazing. Friends, stars, music... Mr Pak's fruit smoothie that he made us to drink on our way to the fire (cold night, plus cold drink... random.)
I miss times like that.

ok... I'm gonna tag... Jacque , Jenni, Leea and Rachel

PEACE.

Oh, and maybe soon I'll blog about the RANDOM french man who only speaks spanish who is currently spending the night at my house!?