offline.

My computer's died.
So, no internet for Tash.
This is gonna be good for me.
ha.
I'm using my mum's at the moment
and probably will be able to get on every now and then... but not very often...
Just thought I'd let you all know!
PEACE.

Lifeline.

I feel like I'm in an ocean.
Either in a boat
or
Submerged beneath dark waters
with waves that just crash effortlessly over my head.
I forgot how to swim.
Sometimes the water is still and calm.
Sometimes I think the waves probably couldn't get any bigger.
When it's stormy
there are either currents under the surface of the water
or its completely the opposite
and its... just....inexplicably... calm...
It changes.
When I'm in the boat I'm dry, I can breathe...
I'm in a safer position.
A position to adaquately help the other people that are drowning.
Sometimes it looks like the other people are in calm waters.
But even from the boat I can't see if there are currents that are pulling them under.
When I'm in the water I rarely see anybody else.
I prefer being in the boat.
Sometimes I jump out of the boat.
Maybe to help the others.
I don't know why I think that will work.
It doesn't.
Maybe cause I think I'll reach my destination faster.
I don't know why I think that will work.
It won't.
Other times it's not even my fault I end up in the water.
Maybe I slip on the wet.
Maybe I get pushed out.
The tides are unpredictable.
Even when I'm in the water I'm always conscious that there is a boat.
Sometimes I forget to look though.
Other times I stubbornly close my eyes.
Maybe I want to see how long I can last in this tumultuous place.
Maybe I want to see how long it takes for my skin to get shrivelled
from being wet for too long.
I know how to float on my back.
When the waves have hushed
I could lay on my back for a long, long time
Staring up at the blue skies
and seeing what pictures the clouds are painting with shapes.
But there's no guarantee of what's going on beneath the surface.
I catch a glimpse of the boat - my lifeline.
Rain or shine I can without fail guarantee the presence of the boat.
And the captain.
The captain with kind eyes that dance
and have a language of their own...
Eyes that lock mine and remind me that even if I am soaked through
and even if I forgot how to swim...
He wants to make me safe.
He wants to saturate me with a different kind of water.
Living water.
This captain who has laughter lines
and a smile that warms me to the very core
and makes me forget temperature of this ice cold water.
The captain that reaches out one hand and has a towel in the other
ready to save me
and warm me up.
The captain who tells me
that I am beautiful
even if my mascara (which is apparently not the water proof kind)
is running down my face
and even if my voice is hoarse from screaming for help.
He tells me I could have whispered
and he still would have heard.
He tells me that it doesn't tell me how long I've been in the storm
it's all ok now.
He tells me how I'll still get wet sometimes (from the sprays of the waves)
but he has plenty of umbrellas in his boat
and dry clothes... in my size.
He lifts me easily into the boat and into his arms and
everything stops.
I don't even notice if its stormy or calm.
I don't notice if the rain is falling or the sun is shining.
I don't notice if there are dolphins are jumping
or if there are birds singing.
In this moment I just know that I am secure. I know that I will always be secure...
I know that the arms of my captain are big and strong enough to hold me
and fight off the storm at the same time.
I know that I can listen to his heartbeat for as long as I want to.
I know that this boat is taking me on a journey
of freedom and liberty.
Sometimes I panic and try and grab the wheel and try and steer it.
But I soon realise that I've never sailed successfully on my own before
and I'm going round in circles.
and I let the captain take over again.
He knows what he's doing and where he's going.
And besides,
when he's steering the boat
I can reach over the sides and help the others
who are still trapped in the salty water.
If I just had this boat on its own I probably wouldn't be much help...
I couldn't steer plus help the drowning people...
I'm glad there's not just a boat;
there's a sail too
and the captain.
A 3 in 1 kind of deal.

More You. Less me.

I'm going paintballing soon.
It's Jade's birthday... I don't know how I feel about it. The paintballing, not the fact it's her birthday...!
I finished babysitting after midnight and couldn't switch my brain off so I watched a movie.
Bride and Prejudice.
I liked it.

I had some weird dreams last night. Not bad... just weird.
So many random people from different parts of my life were in it.
And it was weird.
And it just got to a pretty poignant part... And my dad came in and woke me up asking me what time I was leaving.
I hate that!
Then when I fell back asleep I was back in the dream.
Different part of the same dream.
And I was just getting to the part where a friend and I were going to have a "grown up talk" as I like to call them (you know the ones where you have to be real and open and actually talk about stuff? Maybe even slightly confrontational? yeah.... Im not very good at those...!)
And it was funny how my dream was something that could actually happen in real life.
And then the house phone rang and I got a text at the same time.
And I woke up...

Today I wish I had a big sister. I mean, there have been different seasons in my life where different friends have kind of taken on that role... and it's been good... needed
but
seasons change.
I love my little sister. I think she's the bomb.com but it's different... I'm her big sister... And I love it!
But it's just different.

I've been reading. I havn't done that in a while. But it's interesting... It's about how women are created to be warriors.
I might blog on it soon.

Today, if I had a car, I would drive away with my guitar and journal and go to either of my favourite places (in this part of the world anyways!)
and just... spend time with God.
Away from here.
I'd probably go to the Wye Downs... Hills that overlook the whole of my town.

A couple of weeks ago my pastor mentioned about how sometimes a yearning for the Holy Spirit can have similar "symptoms" to depression.
Lonliness, Irritability.... generally low spirits... Tiredness... Lot's of things.

I need more of Him.
Less of me.

12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.
Colossians 3

Pitch a tent and dwell in it.

Next month I'll be 20... 28 days until (Alisha) Smucker gets here. Last year I was in Oregon with her for our birthday (we share the same one!) This year she'll be here.
I wonder where we'll be next year.

Grace. This is going to be a year filled with grace (undeserved goodness).

--- 9But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and ^[a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may ^[b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
2 Corinthians 12:9---

I love that imagery... of Jesus coming and pitching a tent on top of my heart and just... living and dwelling right there... He didn't just build a little tent... He stays... He lives... He rests.

I got my nose repierced on Christmas eve.

Sometimes my brain has themes for the day.
This week one day was love. One day was grace. One day was family...
Another was people.

Cause its so easy for me to put people on some kind of subconscious pedestal.
Then when I see an area of their life that they're making some bad decisions or have some really interesting behavioural patterns or ideas... or sometimes even just things that are different to the way I'd do them... Its really hard for me not to slip into judgement or frustration... or disappointment... or critisism.
But why?! I have no right.
Probably, I do exactly the same things as they do... Maybe some stuff isn't as obvious, but I'm pretty sure most things are... if not more so!
Why do I judge when I hate to be judged?!

It's a very bizarre cycle.
I get subconsciously irritated by what i see in other people that are infact character flaws that I struggle with too...
I have SO much to learn.

And recently, the verses in Romans 7 have become revalatory. Maybe that's not the word I really want.
But read this:

14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. (The Message)

I remember reading this verse in New Zealand a year and a half ago... One night in a motel in Rotorua I just picked up Crystal's bible and wanted so badly to understand this verse. But it was nothing but gobbldeegook. I had no idea what he was trying to say.

I think there's still so much more in there for me to grasp, but suddenly these past few weeks I feel like i understand more of what Paul was trying to say... The battle between what we KNOW is right, what we KNOW is God's will... and what we do. There is a huge difference between knowing and doing. Sometimes its so hard to know why I do what I do... Sometimes I do REALLY stupid things. Sometimes I say really stupid things...

But usually the times when I do most stupid stuff and have a bad attitude about things... I've noticed that they're the times I'm not putting God as ultimate first.
I can seriously feel the difference.

I bet my family can too =P

It's nearly 3am. I want to be asleep... But I was hungry for a really long time and so went and got a marmite sandwich and glass of milk... and now my brain is just active.

I need to get my camera fixed,

I need a job too...

I can't wait to get more involved with church... Hopefully that's soon... I just have to sign some final paperwork for police checks this weekend.

I might try to learn how to paint.

You know when you're craving something but don't know what it is?
And you're not even hungry?

And how do you guard your heart without barricading it?

Right now, every single tap in my house drips.
I never want to be a dripping tap.
Not only does it get annoying very fast,
But it's wasting resources!
I don't want to waste my resources.
Or be nagging.

What should I cook for dinner tomorrow?

I'm babysitting a 7 month old baby tomorrow. Cute.

I have one cold foot. I hate having cold feet.

Goodnight neverland.

Hollywood Smile

Some of my friends from church went stateside for the Christmas/New Year season...
I asked one of them to bring me back some teeth whitening stuff.
Freya came back from New Zealand in early december with a very brilliant smile.
I guess I wanted one too.
I like to smile.
I guess I got conscious of the coffee stained state of my teeth...

So
Sunday night was when I got given my gift!
I gave my friend the money and when I got home, the process began!
What it is, is 2 strips of gel coated stuff that you pretty much mould to your teeth and leave for 30 minutes twice a day.
By Monday night I could see some improvement!
Exciting.
On Tuesday I had the revelation of the hollywood smile.
Check this out!
(I hope I do a better job explaining it here than when I tried to explain it to Freya yesterday!)

So
I bought the kit with the knowledge of what it was going to do. I wanted white teeth.
Every day I go through a process.
It's pretty intense and my gums and teeth are officially sensitive!
On tuesday I pointed out that some teeth were already really white and some were still stained and I wanted to know if that meant that the gel wasn't working and if i'd just wasted money...
Freya, very wisely, pointed out that teeth are all stained to different degrees and while some will be cleaned really fast, some are deeper and take longer.

Do you see wher e I'm going with this?!

To me this process has reminded me and given me fresh revelation of Freedom and Healing.

When we give our hearts to Jesus, His promise is like that of my teeth whitening kit. He promises to make us white as snow and pure and holy before Him.
And we are.
Sometimes there's a process though.
Some things are instantaneously made white and clean... But for other things, its a work in progress...
And sometimes in those times of purification and refining - it freaking hurts. Like woah.
We can sometimes be more sensitive.
And an interesting thought is too that sometimes we don't notice the state of our teeth (or hearts) until we spend time with others who have really beautiful smiles... or hearts...


Jesus promises that He won't leave us half done. He won't leave us half clean and half dirty... He says that He promises to see what He has started through to completion...

But just like I didn't just buy the kit and automatically have a brilliantly white smile, we can't assume that by giving our hearts to Christ that everything will be smooth running. It will not. Trust me.
I guess in some ways there's a price for freedom.
You. Me.
Us.
Jesus wants our everything.
And just like everyday I have to put these mould thingies on my teeth... I have to put them on for myself and only then will I see result!
The kit says to do it for 7 days.
But if I don't follow the guidelines/instructions that come with the kit... After 7 days, if I've just left the kit in a drawer untouched, I will have exactly the same smile as I had before.

James 4:8 in the Amplified Bible says:

8Come close to God and He will come close to you. [Recognize that you are] sinners, get your soiled hands clean; [realize that you have been disloyal] wavering individuals with divided interests, and purify your hearts [of your spiritual adultery].

It says "Come close to God and He will come close to you."
Another version says "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

We have to take steps too.

Let's.
Let's see change.
We have to make change to see change.
Let's delight ourselves in the ways of The King.
How do we know what they are? Well, by spending time in His presence.
Prayer Changes Things.
Really.

An interesting quote that I read yesterday:

If you want to know where your heart is,
look where your mind goes when it wanders.

Let's choose holiness.
Let's choose grace.
Let's choose freedom.
Let's choose truth.
Let's choose Love.
Let's choose purity.

The Heart of The Matter Is A Matter of The Heart.

I love listening to my sister getting ready for her day and singing like no one’s listening...I love how much more confident she’s got – exploring what different things her voice can do. When we were small she used to be our little performing monkey! When we were at people’s houses it was always “Letitia, sing us a song!” and sing she would! Her favourite song for a long time was “Because You Loved Me,” by Celiene Dion....

Then one day my dad made some comment about how when she sang it was “too nasally” and BAM. For years and years she just would not sing in front of anybody. The only time she sang was early in the morning when she was getting ready for school.

I’m not gonna lie, it annoyed me alot. Just because it was loud. And I was still trying to sleep...! Mostly it frustrated me that her voice was clearly amazing yet she was so shy and wouldn’t sing in front of anybody... If ever she was asked she would refuse and would be at the point of tears very quickly.

But everytime that I’ve been away from home that has been one of the things I’ve missed the most... Hearing her voice. Her gift.

Tisha’s school is one that is very well known for it’s performing arts side. One of the options that she chose for her final exams, which are coming up this year, was to specialise in music performance.

When I got back last march after 11 months of not being here I was amazed at how confident she had become. Dad and I went one day to watch a performance that her class put on at school and she rocked it! Whereas before she’d had an amazing voice but stood very still and her body language showed her nerves even if her voice didn’t... This time she was having fun! She moved about and was confident and more than amazing songs, she gave an incredible performance.

One of my points is, like I’ve written before, words have power. We need to be so careful about even the little offhand comments we make without thinking.

What you think, so you are...

My prayer is that our minds would be refined so that we don’t even give room to negative thoughts.

"You don't get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It's who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.”
Luke 6-45-46

Just as water mirrors your face,
so your face mirrors your heart.”
Proverbs 27:19

We have to remember also that we can’t MAKE ourselves nicer people.. It truly is a case of The Heart Of The Matter is A Matter Of The Heart...

God is the only one who can change and transform us from the inside out... our job is just to let Him.

Ready.

I started writing a new blog a few days ago.
Then my internet disconnected and reset everything I was doing.
I lost the blog.
I should do the smart thing that Jane does and write it in word and save it as I go along!

These past couple of weeks have been awesome. So revelatory.
I love how evident God is.

One day as I was journalling I was just praying and tell God about how I was ready.
Ready to stop looking at myself and the wounds and flaws that need to be gone, but ready to look outwardly and be strong... but only in His strength.
It's funny how since then I have had intense times nearly every day of speaking with people - some that I know, some that I don't- and just seeing God do such powerful things!
Words have power.
We need to make sure we're speaking words of truth and encouragment to eachother.
Sometimes I think it's so easy to get caught up trying to "better" eachother (or even ourselves)
that we get critical and see only the parts with "room for improvement..."
I agree that as iron sharpens iron so friends should sharpen eachother...
But let's remember to speak in love.
If we're only seeing eachother's faults how can we be patient and kind and selfless with each other?
Love over powers all of the stuff we do wrong.

Some of my journal entry from sunday is a prayer... I wanted to share part of it with you guys.
This is my heart's cry... I pray that it would be encouraging to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God
You are so good! Thankyou for who You are.
God I need change.
Fill me with grace.
Fill me with compassion.
Increase my capacity to love. Let me love with your love.
Let me breathe forgiveness and mercy. Let me radiate life and truth.

Take away every harsh edge of my heart, every unkind thought or word - spoken or unspoken.

Stir up the dormant passions within me.
Give me words to encourage and edify.
Give me courage to stand up for my convictions.

Saturate me with love that I may freely love and be loved.

Lord, I want to walk into a room and for the atmosphere to be changed.
I want to bring peace and joy and righteousness into conversation and atmosphere.

Refresh me that I can be alert and ready at all times.

God, thankyou for freedom. Thankyou that I am free of so much.
I know there is more.
Show me the areas I need to give to you, to surrender.

Flood me with patience! 'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.'

Show me how to guard my heart without barricading it.

Give me a teachable spirit that I may graciously learn from every situation and circumstance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is completely different to what I sat down to blog about... but hey!
I'll finish with this quote my friend told me this week

"When you come to the end of all the light you know
and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen:
Either you will be given something solid to stand on
or you will be taught to fly."

-Edward Teller