Things and Stuff.

p.s new blog

2010-01-26T00:24:00.002Z

so.

Things are different now.

www.theuntitledunwrittenone.blogspot.com

is my new blog...

feel free to follow me on there... hope you are all well

end of.

2009-09-08T09:56:00.002+01:00

soooooo
it's time to move on...
im at a point of taking practical steps of letting go of some stuff...
and some of that means i need to stop writing in this blog...
deep huh?!
however... if you, the faithful few, would like my new blog address... feel free to ask!
i don't know if you can message me through this blog... but
if not, facebook/email me... or leave a comment on here and i'll find a way to get it to you
peace, love and new beginnings!
x Tasha x

black and blue relevancy

2009-09-06T23:35:00.002+01:00

tonight's one of those nights where so much has happened... that words aren't quite sufficient...
God did such a deep work in my heart that i don't think i even know what happened!
After church the visiting pastor prayed for me and it was SO spot on and relevent...
i love that.

i saw the answer to prayer.
across the hall.

i love that.

p.s answer your phone! You said we should talk... so i was planning on calling until you randomly pick up. but yeah... maybe you should just let me know when's good.

when she told me that it was just hard not knowing where she stood with that other person...
i knew exactly what she meant.

because i want to be loved, this is what i do.

you know those days when you don't quite want to be on your own... but you don't really want to be with anyone else?

she told me thankyou for not giving up on her.
i told her i wouldn't.
i won't.
precious hearts need love...without condition.
so i don't care if you're rude to me every time we see eachother... i see past that, darling girl...
i see that you're just trying to find God... to find truth... to find yourself...
i just love you!

It's alisha's last night here... She's finishing up packing...
ready for our last roadtrip...
to the airport...

for the first time in 2 years i actually kind of care that i don't have credit.

goodnight sleeptight
don't let the bedbugs bite.
if they do
grab a shoe
and beat them till they're black and blue.

hostage and homer

2009-09-03T12:49:00.003+01:00

just so you know, i'm taking these sweatpants hostage.
coffee and openess and brokeness (a.k.a ammuntion...) oh, and holding the door open. Some people want it all but i don't want nothing at all... wild child and camera pick ups. dinner and DTS. the long way home. nightime childhood tours and castles and cellars. if you could paint a picture what would you paint? that field i saw that time. uploading photos and crashing internet. grammar corrections and emails. might as well stay over. cue the sweats and lady levi hoody.
and that's just in half a day!
i can't believe it's taken us this long to be friends, div!
but i just think you're pretty amazing. on more levels than you can comprehend.
also, remember john 3:16... ;)
and jeremiah 29:11
and Joshua 1:5..
Exodus 14:14
and one we didn't cover last night as such... 1 John 4:18
ha!
you should write me a note...so i can spit my gum in it.

<3
--------
5th at 11:30
7th at 7:30
14th at 8:30
2nd at 2:30.
4th at 6:30
7th at 3:30
-------

i don't want to always drive my car...or my soul on reserve!
i gotta practise filling up before i NEED to...

i love life.
like woah!

radio productivity

2009-08-28T13:57:00.003+01:00

i'm feeling half productive... the inside of my car is now vacuumed and clean.
now to tackle my bedoom...
i don't know how clothes just appear at the end of my bed... into a big, huge, random mountain that almost seems impossible to even try to get rid of...
but faith the size of a mustard seed, right?!
=p

I should be finishing up the acoustic album on weds... i'm pretty excited to have it done...
hopefully i'll sell quite a few in the next couple of weeks and have some finances towards bible school...

It's been such a random couple of weeks...
faith camp = amazing! lifechanging... heart changing... peace, joy, hyper-tash! new friends...
youth camp = immense! fear-facing, energy, donuts, amazing friendships...

this week i randomly went to ashburnham to visit Radio Rachel. We met at faith camp... she's a YWAMer, I'm a YWAMer... instant connection =P
She lives 4 1/2 hours away but was down for 28:18... another camp.
And we figured that it's easier to hang out while she's here than back at home...
so.
monday morning i headed on my random adventure with Jimmy Needham and Betty (GPS) for company.
and i got there and after a while we found eachother (there's like... NO phone signal there!)
we went on a beach adventure and walked i don't even know how many miles and just talked the whole time... it was awesome.
i love learning about people.
she does too lol
so yeah... that was epic.
we went back to the tent (which by the way was the most immense tent i've ever seen!)
and had dinner with her a-may-zing family
and then i hung around to go to the youth meeting.
it's funny that i've always just gone to youth meetings... never grown-up ones...
I was a youth.
then a youth leader.
Also, randomly, another friend of mine was there... Jojo... so we got to hang out too which was epic! She's amazing.

I obviously wasn't on team for this meeting... which was kind of weird... but almost refreshing at the same time...
I've had an amazing few weeks... being able to pray for SO many young people and just really get alongside some amazing kiddos...
but sometimes we just need to be refreshed huh?
The meeting was awesome... a time of immense, freeing worship... and communion and lots of prophetic words...

afterwards, i hung out with jojo and her friends for a bit (we lost rachel =p)
we went to watch Phatfish perform (=WOW!)
and then went on a trek to find the youth camp fire... when i say trek, i exaggerate very little! It was such a mission lol!
at the fire we found rachel... and then after a little while i headed back with her
and we found some of their friends near the tents... and we layed on the ground and starwatched and How Long is a Chinaman.

We were just talking about how amazingly big God is... It kind of felt like we were laying inside a massive box with pin pricks at the top...
How amazing that although we have such potential to be so insignificant... we're SO significant...
wacky.

I could write so much about the couple of days i was there... I will spare you though =P
but yeah... it was just so good to spend time with such incredible people... to be surrounded by encouragement and opportunity... and adventure... and washing up soap fights... and donkey dares...
and good hugs... and offbeat claps... and cheerleading... and laughter. It's good for the soul, y'know...

This time last year i was in new york city.
at EXACTLY this time last year, Joy and her grandma were out... and i was home alone... jamming out with my guitar...
right before we went back to go see Freya, Jeff and Sue at Starbucks...

Well, that's all i have time for right now...
I'll try to write something soon...
even though i am at such peace right now... my soul is overflowing with thoughts... and ideas... and just all kinds of things and stuff.

heels & buddy.

2009-08-15T13:42:00.003+01:00

i can't believe it's august.
11 days off a year since i arrived in New York.
word.
i feel like every year goes faster and faster...
2 years ago i was in NZ and just about to start a dts...
2 freaking years!!!
that's insane!

i still havn't caught up on sleep since faith camp... I'm exhausted!

I can't write about the week yet though... cause
i need to get ready.
going to a wedding in london... i have just over an hour before i need to leave...
then after the wedding, I'm driving straight to another youth camp...
for another week...

Prayers would be much appreciated!

i have about 4 weeks till Bible School starts... I have absolutely NO money...
i need £550 before i can even start school...
Jehovah Jireh...
amen.

I'm kind of in shock... but i can't let myself be. I feel the need to be strong for you... but im not sure how... i just want you to know that i love you =)
always.
I'm here buddy.
like buddy the elf.
but hopefully not as ridiculously awkward.
well... maybe some of the time.
It's kind of fun.

i should go and get ready.
I can't walk in heels.
mate.
i actually cannot walk in heels...
whhhhyyyy!?!?!?!?!?!?

breakfast dates and changing focus.

2009-07-28T11:23:00.003+01:00

phases. seasons. chapters.

coffee.

today is early morning. shopping. dorky older brothers. (thankyou). BFF + Famous canadian friend. Pancakes. Bananas. Strawberries.
BIG Emails. CDs. D-Dawg.. Walmer Castle. Patricia reunion. Cinema....
Adventure.

only a couple of days till Alisha flies to Israel... And I go to faithcamp the next morning...
busy busy busy.

So exciting.

Life is exciting.

I love breakthrough that happens when you least expect it.
When you most want it.

The Starbucks Race = GENIUS!
Sorrell, that definately needs to happen more randomly, more often!

too much of anything is bad for you.
I should finish that song sometime.

you know what?
sometimes...
sometimes life is ridiculously hard.
And sometimes it's really easy to either try to be fun. and funny. and happy. and "ok"
or
to be really down... and focus on all the rubbish... and be saturated in despair and the hopelessness of it all...
but
more and more
I'm discovering the actual reality
of
setting the course of my emotions/feelings/life
by choosing what kind of stuff to focus on...
I think I've probably blogged on it before.
It's such a huge issue...
I just started reading "Battlefield of The Mind" by Joyce Meyer
and it's incredible...
I highly recommend it.
So many truths...

It's interesting to me how it's so much easier to believe lies... and to listen to negativity...
when truth is so much more freeing!
why is it SUCH a battle?

I guess it's character building or something... to learn when to fight, when to stand... when to rest... when to speak... when not to... when to move on... when to move out... when to stay... when to walk away... when to face the...whatever stuff...

my brain is such a full up overflowing thing right now.

im learning.
always learning.

boys are weird.

so are flies... Did you know that flies bite?! One landed on me and bit my arm!
so funny!

Freedom Begins.

Beauty is as beauty does.

i wanna be beautiful on the inside.
i want to carry a spirit of humility and excellence in every area...
i dislike the inconsistancies within me.
having a ministry and calling on my life is all very well...
but it's nothing without good character...

God... make me like you! Make me authentic... and free... help me choose freedom and walk out in truth EVERY day...
You are all I need. You are all that matters...
"let my lifesong sing to you"
not just the chorus part... the WHOLE song...
All I want my life to do is bring glory to You...

lightbulbs and skinny jeans

2009-07-20T00:13:00.004+01:00

isle of wight. wales. bristol. bath. london. kent.
darn it... i didn't make it to 7 yet...

it was So good to go to church today...
I don't think i realised how much i miss seeing people regularly...
Freya was so freaking cute... and she came to pick me up from junior gym... well, she came to say hi at the end... not pick me up... but it was cute.

God is good.
i love that.

I love lightbulb revelations.

And when i dont NEED anyone...
when i get little glimpses of being fully content in Him...
i need to get better at letting Him love me... consistantly.

1200 miles in under 2 weeks... not bad.

bible college interview in the morning. and then a brunch date with my canadian buddies.
=)

finishing vocals in the studio on weds...
i can feel my throat trying to be sore... NOT ok.
I think it's time for that pattern to be broken.
i will Not get sick.

I didn't quite realise that skinny jeans would cause such a stir...
i literally blushed.
yes... tasha mccoy has worn skinny jeans 3 times in a week! (and only got bullied into it the first time...)
It's only taken 5 1/2 months =P

i love Life Church.
genuinely.

and i'm excited for the stuff that God's doing.

Faith camp and youth camp son.
Hardcore...
I've never staffed anything like that before... not in this country, anyways...

I better get my prank on!

i have another gig on saturday... =)
I have to learn some songs this week...

I really miss double dates with my BFF.
and Ben.
And Jerry.
(sorry Justin =p)

i hate trying to find a "right time."

gosh.

movie marathon.

peeling back... nice.

stop. wait. LISTEN.

little sprout

2009-07-04T22:48:00.002+01:00

pretty much it was exactly how i thought it would be.

i got a epic tan lines.

and a LOT of mail when i got home.
monday shall be busy sorting it all out.

fishing help from across the ocean. what a superstar indeed...

i guess im out of the crew then...
ha.
well, I'm ok with that =)

SO weird that you recognised her from facebook! I'm glad you said hi...
Wacky!

i am SO ready for bed.

gotta be at children's church for 9:30 tomorrow.
I'm excited to be with the kids again!
I love them!

My life constantly hangs in the balance,
but I will not stop obeying your instructions.
(psalm 119:109)

deeeeeeear wisdom teeth
why must you keep changing your mind?! just decide whether to grow or not!
love tash.

i only went tanning on the beach for one day... i don't think i could cope with being out in the sun every day!

i love skype.
and i love my friends... i just wish they didn't live so freaking far away!

Life is weird.
God is all that make sense.
Literally nothing else does.

"you're acting kinda shady, quit calling me baby"

im so tired.
where does time fly to?!

i suppose it's time for bed... if i go now I have time to journal before going to sleep...
peace out bean sprout...

oh... i kinda miss the little sprout...
:P

bit of this, bit of that

2009-06-25T16:11:00.003+01:00

i love showers in the middle of the day.
also
i love that she's on cloud nine...
she deserves it!
so does he =)

4:37 tomorrow, then.

Im excited to lead worship and preach at Raze tomorrow!

I ask how you are.
The answer's the same everytime.
and it's intense.
...-woah. ok. it's different this time.
No accounts man.

The metronome concerns me.

almost overwhelmed by memories...

their. they're. there.
giving english lessons over facebook is fun.

i miss real hugs.
and

sharing my heart.

Thank God for Jesus.
=)

are 7pm naps allowed?!

maybe i should go for a run... lol!

you sounded so happy that it made me cry.

malaysian style steak for dinner tonight!
nathaniel's favourite
for mum's birtday.

im missing lifegroup though =( again.
why must stuff always happen on a thursday?!

he makes me feel safe about next week.

tisha's prom is tomorrow!
her dress is i n c r e d i b l e!

limbo.

page 37

2009-06-23T18:19:00.002+01:00

i LOVE milo!
I forgot about blending it...
genius auntie of mine!

i want a typewriter. on top of my wardrobe.

also
I really want an old beat up guitar.
I had one.
but gave it away.

then i was gonna get one from The Changing Room
but some random guy got there before me!

bare walls...
breaks my little heart really...

sorting. tidying. cleaning. dusting. ing. ing. ing.
so many ings.
so many things.

i need a way of recording demos so i can remember stuff that i write.

knock knock jokes.
page 37.
you know!
How beautiful...

im SO excited for faith camp.
random.
I've never enjoyed it before.

I'm on the source team.

and one night am doing my life story...

i wonder if that means i need to tell it to mi familia.

i need a word that rhymes with orange.

maybe i need a new lens prescription.

im pretty ok... fanks.

Beauty is as beauty does.

you become what you behold.

7pm siesta?!

dry feet.

.

2009-06-22T15:12:00.004+01:00

ha.
Recently, im noticing a slight correlation between anger, frustration and lost car keys.

i did The Unthinkable Thing yesterday.

Surprisingly i slept really good.

But
I woke up early... and am tired now.

my brother passed his driving test today!
and right now is driving for the first time without an adult in his car with him!
his girlfriend didn't even know he was sitting his test
so he's gone to surprise her...
he's a cutie.

malaysian invasion hits my house tomorrow.
praise the lord for real milo again.

did you know there are two types?

i was meant to meet freya today.
but had to cancel.
i hate that.
but
nathaniel had mum's car
and mum needs mine to get food for the week.
it's the only time she can.

i am hungry.
cereal in a mug for the third time today?
i think yes!

good one.
throw a speaker at me.

i might hear you better that way =P

oh good.

rip my laptop in half.

another genius idea.

rubbish platter

2009-06-20T04:42:00.002+01:00

its 5am.
i've been awake for an hour.
i want to sleeeeeeeeeeeepppp!!!

so, i ended up having to cancel going to the charity ball.... waaaaay last minute
cause
as i was getting ready
i nearly fainted.
my whole day was so dramatic and that just topped it off!

when i had a shower, my mum wouldn't let me lock the door incase i needed rescuing
and now im on bedrest until she decides otherwise.

i hate feeling sick in the night. well, i dislike feeling sick any time. but it just feels different at night.

im not using capital letters on purpose.

also

i think being sick makes me so sensitive.
physically
and
emotionally.

i dont like it.

drink some rum he says.
i think not thanks.

hey kid... hang on in there ok??? please...
breathe.
i know it's hard... i KNOW...
but i also know that He who is in you is faaar greater than any of the frustrations you're facing right now.
you're more amazing than you know and i just love you.
i hate seeing you sad.

i went and saw tisha in her school performance of "The Little Rocky Shop of Horrors" or whatever it's called.
She's been working so hard for 6 months.
She was one of the divas.
and she was aaaammmaaazing!
I was so proud of her.
She sang. danced. acted...
all with a New York accent.
which she does VERY well!
I had no idea my sister was such a star...
well, i knew it... but it was good to be reminded!

uncle tony and auntie helen fly in today.
the malaysian invasion hits my house on tuesday.
auntie marina's taken 3 weeks off work too.
my mum's accent changes when she's in malaysian mode haha
i bet i pick up random stuff too.
brilliant.
if i suddenly get a malaysian accent
i'll post a video =P
but probably not really.

i have my whitby skype date soon!
im excited.

i need to sleep.
i feel sick... maybe it'll make it go away!

thanks for tuning in to this "i feel rubbish" blog.
haha!
i'll try not to be so lame next time =p

you remind me...

2009-06-19T14:29:00.005+01:00

That smell just got caught me off guard.
I didn't remember that it would make me remember so much...

Singing in a charity ball tonight. I hope I can sing... My throat is still being crazy.

Deeeeeear Sorrellina
I told you I would write you a thing.
Let's do breakfast soon!
You're amazing!
I've been craving Chicken salad like ceeerrraaazzyy! And every-time I think of one of those I think of you.
Let's go for coffee. And talk about our wonderful Jesus.
And ha! remember those post-it notes?
That was fun.
And the T.P?!
classic!
haha!
see you soon!
Love Tash.

retail therapy.
ha. I have no money. So i spend money. I guess you need logic to use logic!
scarf. sunglasses. waistcoat (haha! Yes superstar... I was inspired. And there was a sale!)
earrings. long tank-top.

2 ball gowns. uh oh!
What will she do?

Seriously. Have Fun. That smell.
I miss so many things linked with this smell anyways today...

I have to go.
Get my car sorted.

great =)

On second thoughts...

2009-06-18T00:00:00.003+01:00

nah.... let the silence speak.
It might be louder.

Breakthrough happened differently to how I'd anticipated and prepared for... By laughing rather than Talking.

"Tasha not journalling?!?!? That doesn't seem right... It just doesn't fit...!!!"
I know.
*sighs* I miss journalling.
p.s thankyou for my much needed kick up the butt today. It was impeccable timing as ever, friend... and thankyou for being gentle instead of brutal yet patiently truthful.
Thankyou for speaking faith and inspiring passion again.
We DEFINATELY need coffee more often =P

Stop saying shutup... stop making her feel small... Stop trying to act like you own her. Stop laughing while she shares her heart.
Back off, Bud...

"You annoy me therefore I exist."
LOL!
Movie quote of the century!

I am so inspired.
I feel like I'm slowly coming alive again. I don't know exactly what happened tonight... but it was beautiful.
And freeing.
Breakthrough!

Driving home... Talking to my Jesus. Not caring whether anyone can see... Trusting for breakthrough in my heart and in and with my family...

Uncle Tony and Auntie Helen arrive on saturday from Malaysia...
I'm happy. It'll be so good for my mumma to have them here...
A piece of home.
Family.

I think I will smell of a curry for the next month.

I don't want you to move away, kiddo...
I don't think I can put into words how much I'll miss you.

I miss making tents out of chairs and sheets.

I'm looking forward to camping this summer...

Did you know that on average we think 1300 words per minute?!

I wish I could paint. So bad.

My gland is still swollen =(

The brew it is then... Honey, Lemon, ground ginger and ground garlic in warm water. yum...?!

Psalm 23

2009-06-15T12:50:00.001+01:00

The Lord is my shepherd. I SHALL NOT WANT.

^^^ click the link ^^^

All Sufficient El Shaddai.

2009-06-14T20:43:00.002+01:00

I'm too young for hip pain. Surely!?

Maybe it's time for the unspoken to be spoken.

i love wearing my sulu...

take me up in that there hot air balloon!

He's leaving for a month. I hope he'll be ok.

She's here for a couple of days. I wonder if i'll get to see her.

is it too soon to call?

It's funny how God will ask you to do something for Him when they're least possible for you... cause that's when it's easiest for Him to prove that its not by your might or power but by His spirit that anything can be accomplished.

home videos crack me up!
Thank The LORD for Change!!!
Hallelujah!

Ha!
"Yes. I am driving on the right side of the road. We can eat and drink and talk on the phone here... So we can probably do this too."
Best video ever!

there are 52 white keys and 36 black keys on a full size piano.
I want one with 37.

I said that I needed some motherly advice.
She was proud of me.
And she still remembers my name!
"set aside time every day of prayer and reading the word. It's life or death for you Tash... It'll make you stronger..."

It is well with my soul.

I can't wait to hear his life story...

the Lord is all sufficient.
El Shaddai.
All Sufficient.

It doesn't take a time of tragedy or pain to remind us of that... it takes time of devotion and praise.

Nathaniel has his driving test so soon!
So grown up.

You don't miss the water till the well runs dry.

Family holiday soon...

A week in the Isle of Wight.

my brother, sister, a cousin and I get a cabin of our own haha

I wish i had benodryl.
And the journal i never got.
And that scarf that I forgot that I lost.

Banana Splits. It's a date.
It is?

What a waste.

Not all tragedies are tragedies. Have your eyes opened. Dont just see everything as negative in your life. Open your eyes. God can use everything for good.

some other things and other stuff.

2009-06-12T23:30:00.003+01:00

I will not be bound by fear any more.
I cannot!
I'm almost afraid to be afraid anymore...
It's time to up my game.
I'm time to allow furthur healing and continual change.

ha. why is it so hard sometimes?
and where's the line between assertive and rude?

also.
resting and trusting... and laziness. the line is where?

True or false: what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
I opt for the strengthening half of that phrase.
please?!

sometimes I love the red pen on my essay.
sometimes I hate it.
mostly i love it really...
but i intensley dislike giving it.
like woah.

I miss us. I miss how we were...last weekend was growing. but still, I wish I could figure out a way to address this... Can I even fix it? What is there even to fix?
Apparently communication is good for this type of thing.
ha!
my favourite. and least favourite. area of life.
It's getting silly though. I MISS YOU!

Openess. Brokeness. Growth. Change.
The never ending cycle.

Let's figure this out together cause I sure as heck can't without you.

"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad."

Also, I need to learn to say NO when it's necassary.

I lost your number. I miss you too. And I have no idea how to get in touch with you!
I'll get my people to contact your people to discuss the small matter of the adventures with our names all over it!

Haircut monday.
It has been a v e r y long time since the last one of those. Joy cut it in um... september? and before that was last april.
Well that's not good.

BBQ tomorrow.
I wish the BFF was gonna be there... =(

I'm cold.
Also, my bear and guitar need names apparently.

Be Bold. Be Strong... Wise Words...

I got to talk with the superstar! im just glad about that. im sad that the phone ate her battery though.
but yes. i definately love conversing with this lady.
tuesdays & fridays = videos.

ok. 7 hours of sleep. actual sleep.
yes please!

cereal text

2009-06-12T09:25:00.002+01:00

my tears falling out of your eyes.
That was possibly the most beautiful thing ever...
You are amazing.
And, beautiful lady, just hang on in there ok?
"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on...
There will be an end to these troubles,
but until that day comes,
still I will praise You"
Remember?!

Will eating lots of oranges make me feel better fast? Vitamin C goodness.
I'm supposed to be singing in Leicester Square tomorrow... but I can barely talk...
I might have to cancel =(

Sometimes the purpose of a song is not to sing it.

Guide tracks done.

Ghanaian food, yes please!

"Cereal is wonderful. End of. Nothing else to say.
You can have it any time of the day.
In a mug is the only way,
so make sure you have your one a day."
lol!
Freya, you crack me up!

ok. time for the 20 miles of silence again.
yay.

I need the code for my radio!
At least music can block out silence!

I hope I have enough petrol.

just a little bit.

2009-06-10T13:23:00.002+01:00

10 miles each way. In complete and utter silence.
Every time.
Sometimes that's cool. Sometimes I wish I knew what to say.

Also I love how some people drop in the "big sister" line as and when they feel like it! Cracks me up. tears = poetic phrases. Evidently.

13 hours in the studio yesterday. With swollen glands and an eye infection.
Another long day tomorrow in a london studio.
Jesus, help me!

Whatever money I get from this is gonna go towards clearing debts and bible school this september!
Sing my way to school.

Insincere sincerity.

WE DID IT! It wasn't a fight, but we actually TALKED through stuff!
Progress!

Babysitting a bathrobe over the summer. I love it!
I miss you, Superstar.
Let's have another sweats day. And drink REAL coffee. None of that instant stuff. Let's have sleepovers and talk about everything and nothing. And real things. And ask questions. And be goofy. Let's eat right. And go fishing. And hablar spanglish. Let's even go on a hike (my personal favourite!) Let's play music... lesson for lesson. It fits in your hand like the water in rain. Not a lot baby girl (just a little bit)

I'm hungry... but not inspired.

I don't know how I feel about you changing my song.

How do you get rid of creepy stalkers?!
Ignoring is not doing a thing.

Everything is permissable. Just not always beneficial.

God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
(psalm 46:5)

Thankyou for that.

I miss the kindred one too.
Come back! Even if all we did was Operation Babysit... I would love it still. Let's stay up all night and get mad/amused when the sun is up at 4am! Let's worship on the beach in the middle of the night. And talk with our hands. Let's go for a run... Up a hill. In real shoes. Fast Faces anyone?!
Let's text/IM while we're in the same room. And we could call Nevada 333-777. Did you know that there are 37 tagged photos of you and me?!

Dreams are weird.

Alisha and Anita will be here soon. Gotta figure out airport runs and such things...
Roadtrip to Wales!
Epic.

Fanks.

2009-05-26T01:13:00.004+01:00

late night. early morning = my life.
ha.
Emma's here!
I stayed at Jacque's last night. After the double awkward turtle time at the beach. lol!
the morning brought with it sweats, java coffee, shaky hands, embracing the rockstar within, learning to fish and driving to canterbury.
which brought with it scarves, picnic, tons of photos, sunshine, hike, facing fears, calming water,mini-mountain, stinging nettles (after the bridge - 4th post down) rain storms, dancing, "you can't film in here. incase you're trying to rob one of the stores. I don't make the rules. I enforce them."
then back to folkestone which brought apples to apples, minstrels, petrol, walking-not-driving, early night for some - beach surprise with Jon and Emma (armed with guitar, camera, blanket and hoodies)
which brought worship time, LAUGHTER, photos, mario, dolphin trying to get through the eye of a needle, lightning, sleepy time
which brought with it taxi service, driving home, not topping up my phone, getting home, ruining a shirt...?, incorrect grammar, sleep.

Tomorrow is the first of 3 open days at bible school.
It's 1:30 and I have to be in folkestone for 8.
for coffee. And to learn to fish. And to be the taxi. That's my favourite. Being the driver has some benefits.

fanks.

I'm tho exthited!

must. learn. songs.

It's that time again.

2009-05-21T17:52:00.002+01:00

i just saw this in my mini-feed on facebook... a friend did one of those stupid quizzes
"what month were you born"
and her result was February. Which is when I was born.
So I read it. I never read these things. But I read it and had to smile.

"You have a lot of abstract thoughts. You love reality and abstract. You're intelligent and clever. You have a changing personality. You're also very attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. You tend to be a bit temperamental at times. You're quiet, shy, humble, honest and loyal. You're always determined to reach your goals. You love freedom. You're also very rebellious when restricted. You love aggressiveness. You are too sensitive and easily hurt. You tend to angry really easily but don't show it. You dislike unnecessary things. You love making friends but rarely show it. You’re daring, stubborn, and ambitious. You love entertainment and leisure. You're romantic on the inside not outside. You tend to be superstitious and ludicrous."

Some of it's kind of wack. But some is so spot on. haha! weird.

my eyes are burning and bloodshoot. Not sure why.
And I've been trying to lay down straight for a lot of this day.
I need to be ok for driving up north tomorrow.

Sometimes my little sister, who doesn't know Jesus very well,
speaks more words of faith than I do.

Chocolate, Coffee and Fairtrade.
It's that time again.

i NEED to sleep tonight.
Early start. Long day. Late night tomorrow.

Thank the Lord for a bit of a sleep-in on saturday!

If you think of it, pray for me tomorrow... And for Freya and Jacque who are coming too.
Pray for wisdom. Pray for divine appointments. Pray that our ears would be open to hear everything that Lord is telling us to speak to people as we pray for them.
Pray for miracles and breakthrough. in them. and in us.
Pray for refreshement. All 3 of us have had pretty full on weeks.
Especially Jacque. She went to France yesterday and I'm picking her up from the train station tomorrow morning and we leave straight away.
Plus Freya's had an intense week. And has just started a new job.

I'm so excited. I honestly believe God is gonna use us big tomorrow.

Bring it.

The Not -So-Polish Jamaican.

2009-05-21T00:56:00.003+01:00

Jacque and Jon are in Paris.
I just watched Defiance two nights in a row.
As soon as I said how my back had felt twisted since DTS, about an hour ago, I've had such bad pain... Words have power.
I need a musical miracle. by next week.
So much to do. Absolutely NO time.
How do I listen to my voicemails from a landline?!
Burning eyes.
Time for new contacts.
How to organise tomorrow?
Roadtrip friday.
Sunday is when Emma Faith arrives.
Pitta bread and humous. at midnight. the best.
I just yawned.
If I was a box of pain killers, where would I be?!
hmm... not in the kitchen... that's TOO logical.
Grocery shopping today was pretty fun.
Bargain shopper over here.
I was writing that song for you. But I changed my mind.
white teeth.
brown skin.
baby videos.
over sized sunglasses.
Future embarrasement maybe.
I need to learn London.
Can't be shown up by an American... in front of Americans!

Deeeeeeeeeeear Thursday
Why can't you last for longer this week?! I have so much to fit in.
Love Tash.

Tatu is engaged!!! So exciting.

Today's funny story:

I needed to get my grandma's number to see if some friends of mine could stay there... But since getting a new phone, I havn't had her number.
So I call my cousin whom I havn't spoken to in MONTHS.
We shared a little bit of small talk and he starts with the number
"0207733... oh wait... I've forgotten... Hold up. I'll get it for you."
And then proceeds the normal big godbrother talk of him asking what I'm doing with life etc...
and then he gives me the number... we say bye... conversation over.
So I dial the number...
it rings...
"Welcome to the polish embassy... press 1 for-..."
I hung up.
Hmm... maybe I got a couple of digits the wrong way round.
So I dial again.
Polish embassey.
So I call Jonni up again... "Jon. It's Tash... The polish embassey... really?!"
and we laughed.
and he gave me the real number for grandma (who is jamaican. not polish)
and that was that.
what a dork haha!

I guess I got punked to a degree.

A.T.C

2009-05-18T00:15:00.003+01:00

Don't you just sometimes get almost fed up of dealing with what seems like the same thing over and over again...?!
I do.
Also, I keep doing things that shock me somewhat. Like I find myself saying things that don't accurately represent what I truly think or feel... Really negative or mean things... And it's like I hear myself saying it and am so confused sometimes.
The other night Freya and I were having one of our middle of the night feasts/discussions and she said about how sometimes it's not that we're becoming really negative... we're just maybe noticing it more.
Maybe that's true.
But whichever option is true... I definately need to start working on positivity.

I'm in such a weird season right now...
Jon always tells me about how Situations are only as awkward as you let them be.
And such things.
He's my Awkwardness Therapy Counsellor...
Skills for life!
But I'm kind of just not getting the hang of it.

I feel kind of left out of the team.
It takes Submission to Authority to whole new levels.

Ha. For a second I almost thought about going for a run tomorrow. psht.
Don't worry, don't panic... I stopped the pre-thought from going any furthur =P

Well, I'm going to B e d.
Farewell

Nada

2009-05-15T12:37:00.005+01:00

I need to clean my car.
Sometimes I don't understand quite how it gets messy...!
I keep hoodies in there.
For emergencies ofcourse!

I also need to clean my room. Laundry time.
The not-so-laundry has become a definate Laundry.

Chocolate, Coffee and Fairtrade... I learn so much.

Sometimes people can be cruel.
And because it doesn't directly affect them, they just don't care.
But what about the affected innocents?

I dislike this.
I also dislike bread.

I have SO much to do today.
So much that I just don't know where to start.

Isn't it beautiful when someone just knows?
and just makes everything almost just ok
with a reassuring look
or gesture of some sort.

It's funny that to defend myself, I don't need to be defensive... I just need to let God.
I don't understand why I got brought into that situation though...
So irrelevent.
But I think it just made things worse.

And i LOVE 2 and 1/2 hour conversations with Kiwi! I think that Ariel is quite possibly one of THE most talented people I have ever met.
I love skype!

Bible school this september..?
Bible school this september.

SWEATS DAY TOMORROW!
Jacque and I have been planning it for months.
Sweats, sleepover, movies, nothing, food, music...

And tomorrow has arrived!
nearly.

I hope Freya can come too.
But with those two together, I think I'll feel really white.
=P

They both spent 2 weeks in Florida.
Seperately.
At the same time.

But definately beaches.

When does the way you think about someone change?

I used to thrive on noise. And people. Big Groups.

But now.

I spend so much alone, quiet time...
Sometimes I seem to forget how to deal with multiple people!
One on one is fine.
But I seem to occassionaly subconsciously freak out and become a blob of awkwardness with even 2 others.

Why was the guitar making that sound?

Pursue Peace. Trust Truth. Hold Hope...

This is a conversation between A an d B. Not C and D.
LOL!
That was funny.

You are in tomorrow.
and I am in yesterday.
But actually
we're both in today.

***********--->www.nada.uk.net<---**************

barefoot dramatic psalm 23.

2009-05-09T16:50:00.002+01:00

I'm wearing a dress. I love it.
I sung at a wedding today... barefoot of course!
It was in a really traditional English church.
One of the songs was "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman...
Afterwards
the vicar just said "well... that was a very dramatic version of psalm 23...."
he linked it to something else... but I just loved that dramatic description.

I've had such a musically inspired week.
TCTM.
EP.
Videos.
TV.

Writing a new song... it's kind of jazzy...

August Rush.
Tonight?

Audience of One.

I need to pee. I just always need to pee.

2 orange roses. 3 purple flowers.

He said I was freespirited... and refreshing... I laughed and said maybe I should start wearing flowers in my hair ;)

It's 5pm. I'm so ready to just go to bed...
But...
to band practise I must go!
I start singing in the worship team en la manana.

Sometimes I miss "back in the day..."
sometimes I just dont.

I miss some friends from then though.
Seeing them is always nice...
And not awkward.
And just fits.

Freya gets home on weds =)

Jacque flew in on thurs... (and check this out - she landed in Terminal 3... on may 7th.... Perfect!)

I took some photos off my wall...

I just ate a sausage sandwich.... I shouldn't have...

Rob and Jo fly to hawaii for honeymoon tomorrow...

Mrs Haywood and Ian said I should make my whole wedding into a musical and come bursting through the doors and walk down the aisle singing and dancing and such things.
I think probably not.
=P

Ok.
Petrol.
Band Practice...
Movie night?

the entity.

2009-04-29T01:54:00.003+01:00

"Suppose I never met you.
Suppose we never fell in love..."

Acceptance.

Man. I look in weird places sometimes. For weird things.

You Moose.

Change. Inevitable really... Funny that it still takes me by surprise sometimes.

I have a gig up north next month.
Roadtrip anyone?!

Man. I love mail. Especially really timely words of wisdom from someone who has NO idea what's going on.

I need a diary. To keep track of dates of stuff.

Burning eyes... I must remember to blink whilst playing guitar hero!

red wine spritzer yes please.
in a mug of course.

So much to do. So little time.

Need more motivation, more inspiration.

I need my capo is what I need. By sunday.

early morning sunday roadtrip with my not-so-little sister.

hey baby i kinda miss your face. come back into my life?!

i love doing puzzles... I need to get better at them though!

Freya's going to Florida tomorrow. Well, today.
I hope she remembers the hawaiin shirt!

What a week.

¹³Moses told the people, Fear not; stand still (firm, confident, undismayed) and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians you have seen today you shall never see again.

¹⁴The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest. (Amplified)

¹⁴ The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. (NIV)

The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm. (NLT)

¹⁴ God will fight the battle for you.
And you? You keep your mouths shut! (Message)

¹⁴ The LORD will fight for you; you must be quiet (HSCB)

¹⁴ You only need to remain calm; the Lord will fight for you. (NCV)
Exodus 14.

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain.
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life
in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason worship.
-The Desert Song - Brooke Fraser/Hillsong.

amen.

story time awareness.

2009-04-15T23:43:00.002+01:00

Sometimes people just need to be aware of what they're saying. And how their little "jokes" at other people's expense... can hurt the person at the center of their "funny" little story.
You know?
Especially because we just don't always know what other people are going through... and that little story could just add more little bruises to an already raw heart.
Just throwing it out there.
Cause even if the situation was flip-reversed and you were at the centre of that story... maybe you would find it funny too... But.
just cause you would,
doesn't mean they will...
you know?

Knowing. And Appreciation Time.

2009-04-08T22:39:00.002+01:00

"Sometimes to know who you are, you have to know who you're not."
Freya Blackwell.

Wow.

My mind just got blown.

It fits. So perfectly.

These past couple of days I've been struggling with familiar stuff... that's so unfamiliar....

Familiar because it's just how I always used to live my life.
Unfamiliar because I havn't felt it quite like this is so long.

Um. Wow.

So to learn and figure out who I actually am... I have to just learn who I am not...
repeat of the same thing.
but woah.

Thankyou Freya Blackwell!!!

You are FABUTASTIC!!

I love you. I love that God uses you even when you don't realise... I love that we've been friends since we were 12... or thereabouts.

I love that no matter how much stuff (or how many people) come and go... you are so constant.
Thankyou.
I love that we're so different in so many ways... but just fit.
It's a privilege to have you has my BFF... an honour to call you friend.
And I love when you teach me about horse skelital systems... Next you just need to teach me how to spell it. ha!

You are truly. seriously. definately. a beautiful person... inside and out.

I'm so excited about... lol! um. yeah. All the exciting, scary, fun stuff that's going on right now!

I love the way you make funny things funnier.
Wham Bam Thankyou Ma'am. Tashalicious.
that kind of stuff.

I love the earthquakes you bring into my life also. The good kind obviously.
I also love that we can have whole conversations and be the only people who know what's being said.

You're really good at drawing.

adhfaojfaoiefnkajsgbakojwrnjgbsdkjfhaf??

squiggity squig squigg squiggium squig.

I don't even know if you read this thing very often. But I just wanted to have a little Freya appreciation time...

P.S You have a cute smile m'babe =P

I didn't sneeze.

2009-04-08T01:44:00.004+01:00

Sometimes I don't know how to handle when people think they can walk in and out my life as and when they please.

I'm at Helen's house.
What a random day.
Helen and Katie are both asleep... I'm tired but thinking way too much.

I need to sneeze. But Katie is right here.
I don't want to wake her up!

It's ok. Dont worry... I held my nose =P
The sneeze has gone.

You know when you really need to get off the phone but the other person just KEEPS talking?
oh. i think i do that a lot of times to my friends...
oops.

I think i need a good ol' massage. My neck and shoulders are so tense.

I just... I just really always need God. Always.
So much.

I don't try to act all "holier than thou."
i think sometimes it might come across like that...
but I just need my focus to always be on Him.

Not just the parts of life I feel like including Him in.

i NEED God.

like woah.

I just yawned again.
Maybe that means it's time to sleep.

Yes please.

Goodnight.

Bed Time.

2009-04-06T02:02:00.002+01:00

oh please.
you don't know me. don't act like you know me ;)

you know when you're waiting. you know something's about to happen.
but you don't know what... or when... or how...

Too tired to sleep.
To awake to dream.

Gosh.
Im so happy where I am... yet my heart is in so many far flung corners of the earth... i miss so many people.

It's different to how I thought.

Jesus doesn't hold the key to my heart.
He IS the key to my heart.

Hey you... don't try capitalise on someone else's success...
You're better at being you.
And having your own success.

What's the point in writing notes on my hand? These days I forget to look till it's too late to be reminded anyways.

Eyes finally getting heavy.

A Moth lands on the screen for a brief moment.
Gone.
Back into the darkness.

Photographic Withdrawals.
Book.
A book of photos and words.

Whoops. I just remembered that opportunity that I missed.

Get off your horse and drink some milk.

Grasshopper Green is a comical chap
He lives on the best of fairs.
Bright blue trousers, these are his comical wears....
....It's hoppity skippity high and low summer's the time for fun.

i wish i remembered it.
And I wish I remembered the wise old owl...

The more she spoke the less she heard
The less she spoke the more she heard.

Inside my brain right now?!

2009-04-05T14:29:00.003+01:00

Breathe in
Breath out.
Bam. Life.
But it's so much more than just breathing.

Summer is nearly here.
Glorious... That word is just... glorious in itself..

Blue sunglasses. Green grass. Purple flowers.
Red umbrella... wait... umbrella? It's not raining.
It just reminded me of the double rainbow I saw that rainy day in Hamlin...

This week has been Late nights and Pointless movies and Nail Polish... Earthquakes, no rhythm dancing... kebabs and not wham bam thankyou ma'am. that's too much laughing.
and for the record
I'm not guitar hero.

Random dreams make me laugh.
You know when you sometimes can't differentiate between memories and dreams and feelings and realities are blurred and intertwined with a subconscious mesh of a series of random thoughts and pieces of a....
wait... is that all they are? Do dreams mean anything?

My sister is getting ready to go out.

She's so beautiful. And she makes me laugh.

I want to go to Crystal's wedding in Oct.
I think I might just do that.
wait... Is it that easy?
I've been commisioned to write a love song.
Ha.
The most written about subject...
Can I really give a different perspective than one that's been written?!

The guest speaker at church tonight is Australian.
I miss New Zealand.

Next week is Easter.
Oh, Happy Palm Sunday...
I don't want any chocolate next week.

Natasha. Tasha. Tash.
Is there even a difference?

One Voice Can Make A Song.
One Life Can Change The World.

Hard boiled eggs spin.
Uncooked/boiled egg's don't.

I'm going into the studio this week.

It's nearly dinner time.

I'm not ready for skinny jeans.

Next tuesday. Yes please.
I am excited!

Avenue Presents Live Music.
Praiz Factory.

Freedom to dance. Freedom to worship.
No inhibitions.

"Feel the rain on your skin,
no one else can feel it for you."

I wonder how she is doing.

Planning for the future is so full of what if's and maybe not's and argh i don't knows.
But faith can drown all that stuff out.

Ariel is a Mrs!

The rubber duck Richie Rich quacks 3 times... 3 times.

Take a chill pill.

Guard your heart.

Teach me how to guard mine.

It's not enough. It never was.

God is MORE than enough.

I'm happy. I'm content.

22+2+1 bracelets.
uh oh.

but I don't care.

Life is good.
Life is great.
Life is wonderful.

Baby steps.

Well, maybe life itself isn't always great... but Life is.

Freedom is as Freedom does.

2009-04-03T02:13:00.003+01:00

"Freedom doesn't come from denial. It's is more than a word... It's not a sentence... It is to face, deal with and recognise those behavioural patterns that need changing... and then to change them."

That's a revelation I had yesterday.
If I want freedom... I have to face a reality... I have to embrace it...
Ignoring something's existance doesn't make it go away...

As much as I wish it would...!

Yesterday I had to recognise a truth... And now for all of my todays I have to keep recognising it...
But
my freedom is knowing that I do not have to live under or in it.
The truth is that it is a lie.
And I am no longer bound by it.
If I choose not to be.
I don't understand all of the "why's" about it...
But I don't have to.
I understand that the price of freedom has already been paid...
So I don't need to keep trying to pay.
I couldn't even if I tried...

I will know the truth, and truth alone, shall (and has and will continue to) set me free.

Waiting is...

2009-03-25T16:28:00.002Z

"Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear."
S.D. Gordon

Be Encouraged.

2009-03-17T23:58:00.009Z

I do not claim to know everything... or anything... about you...
I do not claim to know much about your yesterdays... or how they brought you to today.
I do not claim to know any of your dreams... or fears...
I do not claim to know your favourite colour or what you like to do with your spare time.
I do not claim to know your opinions about this or feelings about that...
I do not claim to understand exactly what it is you're going through or why you're going through it.
I do not claim to be able to fix anything.
I do not claim to be your answer.

This is what I claim, this is what I know:

You are a wonderful human being. You are witty. You are NOT a waste of space. You are intelligent. You are vital. You are bold.You are NOT a screw up. You are cherished. You are beautiful and You havn't disgraced anyone. You are accepted, You are loved... Not because of anything in particular you've done, or havn't done... just because of who you are...

Do not live in "shoulda, woulda, coulda."
What's done is done.
You've made mistakes... but honestly, who hasn't!?
What happened happened and yeah... there are consequences...
but too, there is forgiveness and mercy... and justice.

Let truth be the platform that allows you to receive the grace that has your name all over it.

Let hope propel you into your future.

Don't let shame or guilt consume your precious mind and don't let hatred get tangled up in your precious heart.

I encourage you to let this situation that you've found yourself in become a catalyst from negative to positive;
from darkness to light; from pain to freedom...

For what it's worth
I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your courage. I'm proud that you're beginning to face everything that you are afraid of and bring things out into the open. I'm proud that you're not taking the seeming "easy way out..." I'm proud that you're not giving up.

You're stronger than you know.
As you come to see that this season, which may seem to be a hard, unfair, perplexing season...
is such an opportunity for victory; you will also see how much you have grown and changed for good...

Let it be so.

Be encouraged.
You are going to be able to look back on this time and see God's faithfulness and providence.
You will see how He truly is holding your life in the palms of His hands.
You will see that He has not failed or abandoned you...
You will see how He can work every thing into a good thing (Let Him!)

May you truly learn what it is to let joy be your strength.
May you truly be saturated with peace, not heartache.
May you truly know what it is to let God swap the ashes and re clothe you in beauty.

May you dance.
May you laugh.
May you sing.
May you shine.
May you dream.

I'm excited for what your future holds.

p.s it's ok for you to be too!

realignment

2009-03-07T01:05:00.004Z

I can't begin to describe to you how amazingly hyper and excited and full of joy I have been for the most part of this last week!
God is so good!
Even in the midst of seemingly adverse and ridiculous situations...
I love how constant He is.
I love letting joy be my strength!
I love learning to recognise when my attitudes and perspectives need readjusting... and then seeing and feeling the difference.
I love seeing my prayers answered right before my very eyes!
I love not focusing on my hurts and disappointments and frustrations. I feel so much lighter!
And it's not even that I'm ignoring that I do get hurt and disappointed and frustrated... I do... all of the above!
But... I guess it's just not as big of a deal because I'm learning to just... let God be God. Always. Not my circumstances. I love the difference in people's responses in certain situations depending on my attitude towards them...
Generally I find that when you speak and act with geniune love, its more difficult for them to be angry or rude or hurtful back (most times...)
I love being known and recognised as a source of encouragement.
I prayed that... That I would be known as a source of encouragement and good things... And seriously. I'm not just writing that to big myself up or say how amazing I am lol!
I'm proving the point that the closer I get to God, the more I allow myself to fall in love with Him... the more I give Him permission to use me and work within me, the more I do. And the more He does...
And the more I become like Him.
And the easier it is for me not to focus on the things that irk me about people.
And I find it easier to hear His voice, maybe partly cause my head isn't cluttered with complaints and things that need to change about everything and everyone...(and myself!)

I want everybody to know about God's overwhelming goodness.
I want everybody to know about God's indescribable peace.
I want everybody to know about the inexplicable peace that only God can give.

I also want to put across that I'm very very very aware that life is not perfect.
And that horrible things do happen.
And I am not perfect. I couldn't claim to be if I tried.
I do not handle situations or act/react in effective ways all the time.
I do not always know how to respond to people sometimes...
I am learning.
Always with the learning.
But I love it.

I don't know heaps of theological answers and wouldn't be good at intellectual debates about... anything...
ha.
What I know is what I know. I don't claim to know any more than that.
I know the difference that God has made and is continually making in my life.
I know what it's like to live with Him and I know what it's like to live without Him.
I know which one I prefer.
I know which one hurts less.
And which one makes more sense.

Sometimes I realise that I use a lot of cliche phrases.
I just don't have other words to explain stuff...
I don't want to be a cliche.
I hope I am not.
I just sometimes can't find the right way to put stuff in a way that it hasn't already been said.
I've never been more alive.
I never felt so free.
It's funny to me that the more I know the God, the more I want to know... The more I need to know.

One thing I find hard is how to act in a situation that I'm uncomfortable in though.

I'm so excited about this new season of life that I'm crossing into... I feel like I'm leaving one and entering another.

And it just so happens to coincide with finishing my journal! I've noticed that as a little bit of a recurring pattern, that journals and seasons go hand in hand...

Today I found my prayer for this next season... Well, for the rest of my life really.
But it's so applicable to now.
It's by St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so
much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born
to eternal life.

giving>receiving

2009-02-28T19:12:00.002Z

So, I'm more and more discovering the beauty of encouragement.
Sometimes, when I'm having a really crappy day... all I want... is to hear some nice things... maybe about something I'm doing right, or something nice about myself... or just something that will make me feel good.
lol! When I write it out it makes me feel so selfish =P
Today was one such day and an example of to give is to receive.
A series of crazy nonsenical events took place all day
leaving me feeling like crap.
All I wanted to do was sit in my dark room and feel sorry for myself at the unfairness of certain situations and eat loads of junk food... etc.
Instead I journalled and prayed and inspired by Leanne's post that I blogged about yesterday,
I decided to praise God for everything He HAS done and all that He IS doing and such things...
Shortly I after, I called a friend for a phone date that we'd arranged yesterday...
It was SO good to hear her voice... but after a while she started talking about some things that she's going through and words started tumbling out of my soul and I was just encouraging her I guess...
I wont write anything more specific... other than by allowing God to encourage her through me, I hung up the phone feeling encouraged myself! By focusing on the goodness of God and letting Him use me... all my cares and worries and hurts just... lifted.
I am reminded of my desire to be a constant source of encouragement and life.
Infact, while I was journalling today that was my prayer.
I love how faithful God is!!!
I'm so excited!
And I just wanted to encourage you to be men and women of encouragement regardless of feelings and situations....

"You'll not likely go wrong here if you keep remembering that our Master said, 'You're far happier giving than getting.'"
Acts 20:35 (message)

Good.

2009-02-27T11:52:00.005Z

I wish I knew more about html and could post a video straight from youtube to here.
If I could... it would be this one.
Freya and I were kind of talking last night about how funny it is when you hear a song... and then don't hear it for months... or years... and then hear it a lot in a short space of time.
Tisha and her friends REALLY like that song.
It blows my mind too.

The sun is shining today! It kind of did briefly yesterday... but after it had rained already.
Today its just been blue skies since morning! It makes a glorious change! (Even though, actually I like the rainy, grey weather sometimes!)

I just read an awesome blog post by my amazing friend, Leanne.
-She was my team leader on the first missions team I was on... Team Charis... In March 07... We went around England and Wales for a month. She amazed me then... She amazes me even more now! Even if she does think I'm a city girl for not being able to lift a wheelbarrow =P Her sister, Natalie, who was on the team also... She is pretty much amazing too! And she likes knock knock jokes... and answering phones... -

But yes. Read the post...It's about how praise needs to take up the majority of our time... not "personal petitions" which are ok... but shouldn't be our main focus.

She writes:

"Praise and worship should be the largest part of my life. Why is this!? Well, I think it's because personal petitions can easily tip into the selfish pool, making my quiet times more about ME than God. Therefore, as I determined to worship and praise the Lord throughout the day, my eyes were not so focused on ME but on Christ"

Wow. It's so true huh? How our time set aside for God can still become about ourselves? I just remembered one of aLie's songs... Listen to Remind Me
I loved it the first time I heard it... and it still speaks to me everytime I listen to it.

Tisha and I have been asked to sing on sunday night... Josh asked if we could do Rest In You by Hillsong United. I'll try to get it recorded...

Man. I'm so encouraged and inspired. Today I feel like I could take on the world!
Bring. It. On.

Ha.
So, I just was thinking about how God's goodness makes life worth living.
So I went to biblegatway.com
and typed in "God's goodness" and read this
and said "wow!"
out loud.
----

Colossians 1:4-5 (Amplified Bible)

⁴For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus [the leaning of your entire human personality on Him in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness] and of the love which you [have and show] for all the saints (God's consecrated ones),

⁵Because of the hope [of experiencing what is] laid up ^]reserved and waiting) for you in heaven. Of this [hope] you heard in the past in the message of the truth of the Gospel,

---

I think that just blew my mind.
Faith in Jesus - Leaning our ENTIRE personality on Him in ABSOLUTE trust and confidence in His power, wisdom and goodness.

Now there's a challenge if I ever heard one! To lean our entirety on who He is.
And not what we want. Or think should happen. Or what life throws our way.
Just on who He is.
He is constant.
And stable.
And secure.
And More Than Enough.

inspired discoveries

2009-02-21T19:37:00.007Z

You know when you listen to a song you love... but you'd almost forgotten about... but then hear it and are blown away... again?
And it's funny how a song can take you to different places and memories.

Also.... isn't it crazy how you can be going through so much on the inside... so much change and painful (but beautiful) heart surgery... yet be so inspired and excited?!

I love that it's 2:30am and I just got hungry.
It's funny that I'm awake right now. I'm tired... but even more excited. Weird.

I'm glad that I'm not bored with life anymore. I'm glad I'm not sitting at home all day doing nothing but perusing the facebook world...!
I don't have a job yet, but time is being used and not wasted.

It's funny how I can be so vulnerable and sensitive but seemingly at the same time so disconnected yet so inspired, so irritated... so peaceful... So challenged... so tired... so rested, secure yet desperate for more...so complete yet so raw...

The time has come to stand for all we believe in.

If everything I said was a lyric, what song would I be singing?

It's sad to me that some Christians do not know the reality of God.

I like meeting new people. I am always wondering about people's life stories.

What does collision theory mean? I wrote it into a song... but I'm not even sure it makes any sense.

I can't stop listening to John and aLie's myspaces.

Tomorrow is pancake day. My favourite pancakes are probably ones with nutella... i don't like lemon and sugar.

I'm meeting an old friend for coffee tomorrow. I'm excited for starbucks!

I just realised part of why I'm awake... Tonight at band practise Tina made some epic coffee...

I can't wait to get a new camera! I don't know how or when... but I just know I can't wait.

The Bible College students from church are leaving for India in a couple of hours... They'll be gone for 3 weeks... It'll be weird not having them around... but I just know that God is going to do some amazingly epic things in their hearts while they're away...

I just figured out that I am craving a ham and chip (crisps) sandwich... lol!

GOD IS SO GOOD!
Just all the time.
Even when I'm not... especially when I'm not.

These past couple of days I've been re-reading 2 Corinthians 12... It's sweet.

Especially the bit:

^7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

(2 Corinthians 12:7-10 The Message)

I feel as though I'm always just learning and re-learning how to "let Christ take over..." certain situations... but what a Beautiful lesson to learn and discovery to find!

Driving in the fast lane.

2009-02-18T22:48:00.007Z

So, I was going through some old journals and I found an entry from friday 31st october...
I had just taken Nadine to Stansted airport... I'd got back NY the week before and Nadine had spent the week at my house...
So this is my entry. It made me laugh.

3:15pm
I'm driving on the M25 (That's one of the main motorways/highways in England)
I just dropped Nadine off at Stansted and have to rush home cause mum needs the car at 5.
This is a good time (well, sort of...!) to process and I was just thinking in rhyme so I thought what better time and place to make an attempt at my spoken word mission than while I'm driving in the fast lane?!

I am human.
I have flaws.
There are still major parts of my character which are so torn,
kind of like my favourite pair of jeans, really...
Sometimes I chew my gum too loud.
Sometimes my problem is that I am being selfish and proud.
As I tranfer the ink of this pen to this paper,
time is ticking - it's getting later and later.
I look at the clock. It's 3:37...
It would be.
I have a deadline.
I have to be at a certain place at a certain time.
And everytime I get into the rhythm of writing this rhyme
I realise that I look like I'm talking to myself.
I've been thinking.
Thinking past jeans and past gum...
Thinking about the one who sees me through eyes
filled with mercy and love.
I've been thinking
and
I wish I could adaquately and eloquently
capture with words
a glimpse of who He is.
But alas.
I cannot.
There is too much that my finite mind couldn't understand
even if I tried.

So, it definately is unfinished. And random. But so is writing whilst driving. And it's a very stupid idea. Which I will not repeat. I hope my mum doesn't ever read this =P

I have so much to write. I really need to sleep though. It's been a loooonnngg couple of weeks.
I just came online cause I had some Israel Houghton songs in my head that I needed to get out of my system before trying to sleep!

God's goodness blows my mind.

The last couple of days have been intense. And hard. But I'm dealing with things. Not just over analysing, and not thinking about the how to of actually dealing with things... I'm being productive haha! And freaking A. It's hard. And I'm having to deal with more things than I even knew existed... which is intense. And I feel raw. And hyper sensitive. And like I want to cry and never stop because of what has been unjust and is not fair. But that's neither practical or beneficial. I guess I'm at the stage inbetween knowing and doing what it means to truly take captive thoughts and feelings.
And sometimes I can feel myself almost shutting myself off, even in... especially in... group settings... more than I can remember doing before... But I'm clinging on with everything I am, with everything I have because i WILL have victory.
I'm determined to ride this wave out. I don't even think that's a phrase. If it's not, it should be =P
I just got off the phone a little while ago with a friend and we didnt even talk about specific things that are going on in eachother's lives... Mostly we talked about the goodness of God.
It made me remember all the incredible things He's done already... and excited for the outcome of this season. And excited to be in it.

My laptop's about to die and I left the charger in my room (I'm sat out in the hallway so I don't disturb Tish and Smucker who are both sleeping in there -It's after 1:30am)

so I'm gonna post this and go to bed.

God's goodness is more than enough.
When that starts to sink in, it's enough to flood me with a crazy kind of excitement and joy.

None of the rubbish matters... God does.

"Though trouble's hard, it's only momentary."

Listen to the song "There is a Day - Phatfish."

The song, The verse. The revelation, The book.The dinner, The prayer

2009-02-04T17:03:00.010Z

it's not enough to see you a few times a week
it's not enough to find you occasionally
and there's a lonliness i can't begin to hide
until i have you by my side

it's not enough to tell you without any proof
if i don't live to show you the words i say are true
and there's an emptiness i can't get to subside
until i let you come inside

CHORUS:
i'm giving you my heart
i'm giving you my soul
i'm giving you my love
forever
i'm giving you my world
all i have is yours
i'm giving you my love
forever

it's not enough to give you the pieces of me
if i don't find surrender to be my everything
and there's a passion that i can't begin to hide
when you have made me so alive

That's the song I'm listening to right now... "Forever - Christa Black."

"Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God."

That's what God has been reminding me these last few days... Psalm 46:10. I've heard it SO many times... It's one of those almost cliche verses that can sometimes almost lose it's meaning...
"Let be and be still..."
For me, that's God reminding me to take all my circumstances and feelings and unanswered questions and my constant need to understand why and how things are happening and... just let them be...
I think sometimes it's easy for me to get so caught up in life (and all that comes with it!) that I forget to live.
God's challenging me once again to just "recognize and understand" that He is God! Maybe I even forget what that means sometimes too... That God is God and I am not...
I don't need to always understand why things happen when or why they do... I just have to trust.

–noun

1.	reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2.	confident expectation of something; hope.

3.	confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods receive

I love that it's a noun too. A naming word. God is trust.

Snow.

That's one of the revelations I had today.
I was stood in the kitchen looking out at the garden (or back yard for you americans =P)
and the snow which fell at the beginning of the week had melted pretty much everywhere... except within the fences of our garden... And the snow was so white. And so deep!
And everywhere except under the trampoline was white. There's a circle of green grass under that. (and No, I have never been on the trampoline...!)
And I was just thinking about how God can cover all of us... except the parts we're covering up ourselves.
I mean, the trampoline has snow too... and if you looked with a birds eye view it would probably look more like the whole garden was covered... but when you are level with it, when you are closer, you can see that even though the snow fell, there is still a part untouched...
I guess it reminded me that if I want God to completely cover me with love, grace... integrity, peace, change... I need to give Him full access to all of me.
God is All Knowing, All Powerful and All Loving... but one thing He will not do is mess with our free will... our choices... therefore to some degree, He can't do what we don't let Him.

Sometimes it's hard to know how.
Sometimes it's hard to know the balance between what we need to do and what we just need to let Him do.

Scarlet Thread - Francine Rivers

That's the book I started and finished today. 4 hours. I couldn't stop reading. I've read it before.... but it was like reading it for the first time.

I'm going to a ball next week. I'm excited. But nervous.
Sometimes I get in the way of Me having fun.
Except it kind of doesn't sound like fun... Getting dressed up isn't something I normally do.
And I hope hope hope nobody tries to make me dance...

Sweet potatoes and salad

That's what's for dinner tonight.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from Earth into eternity

That's the song that's on now. And that's my prayer.

Dear Friends.

2009-01-27T13:51:00.005Z

I wonder if you know how much you inspire me.

I wonder if you know how much you confuse me.

I wonder if you know how much I wished I knew where you are... and how you are.

I wonder if you mean when you say you love and miss me.

I wonder if, when we hang out, you're really there... or if your mind is far away.

I wonder if you realise how much my heart hurts that I don't really know you anymore.

I wonder if you realise how much you make me laugh.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate how you always manage to say and do the right thing at the right time.

I wonder if you know how much I love your laugh. All of your laughs =P

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate the days you randomly appear in my life.

I wonder if you meant when you said that all was ok and forgiven.

I wonder if you know how much I wish I didn't hear the twinge of sadness everytime I hear your voice.

I wonder if one day I'll look into your eyes and see freedom.

I wonder if I'll ever be half the wife/mother you are.

I wonder if we'll ever be able to just be... or if there'll always be a shadow.

I wonder if I'll ever just know what to do - how to be there for you.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to fully trust you.

I wonder if you know that I know about that thing you tried so desperately to hide.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate your mission to know me.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate your random little emails and notes and packages.

I wonder if you know what an honour it is when you let me catch a glimpse of your soul.

I wonder if you understand how much my life has changed since you came in it.

I wonder if you know how much I look forward to seeing your face every time.

I wonder if you realise how much you challenge me to know God more.

I wonder if you'll ever give up trying to fight what you know is truth.

I wonder if you'll ever see the power that your words have in and over my life.

I wonder if you'll one day see the treasure you are.

I wonder if one day you'll stop trying to hide behind everybody and anybody else.

I wonder if you'll know how amazing you are.

I wonder if you see the amazing growth in your life over the last months and years.

I wonder if you know that I learn so much from you. All the time.

I wonder if you know how much I wish I didn't get tongue tied when I need to say something important to you.

I wonder if you'd hear me if I told you that Every Little Thing's Gonna Be Alright.

I wonder if you know how grateful I am for the role that you played/are playing/will play in my life.

I wonder if you see how blessed you are, how loved you are.

I wonder if you know how cherished you are.

I wonder if your tattoo hurt.

I wonder if you remember how to rest.

I wonder if you ever stop thinking.

I wonder if I ever stop thinking.

I wonder if you'll ever complete your "mission."

I wonder if you know how much i miss your adventurous spirit and the randomness you brought into my life.

I wonder if you'll ever fully see yourself the way Jesus sees you.

I wonder if you'll know how much you inspired me to be real.

I wonder if you're excited about the year ahead.

I wonder if you know how much I wish we'd gotten to say goodbye.

I wonder if I'll ever stop doing things and wishing you were there to do them with me.

I wonder if you miss my daily dilemas.

I wonder if you know how sorry I am.

I wonder what the Lord's doing in and through you right now.

I wonder how your heart is.

I wonder how your brainwaves are.

I wonder where you are on a scale of 1-10.

I wonder if you know that I mean when I say that I love you. And I miss you.

And I hope you're ok. Like really.

psalm 30:5

2009-01-26T12:45:00.002Z

Though the sorrow may last for the night (time of darkness)
His joy comes in the morning.
or mourning.

peace.

2009-01-25T04:34:00.004Z

You know when you're awake in the middle of the night for some reason and you can't figure out why?
You know when you're just getting sleepy... but then suddenly you're wide awake and can't envision sleep happening anytime soon?

You just heard some news...

Something that barely affects your day to day life but you are all too aware of the way it's going to affect and have effect so many other's lives...

You know when you grieve and then wonder if it's selfish because you're so distantly related to this 'situation' and you know what you're feeling probably can't compare to 'the others?'

You know when you wish you could do something. anything.
but you can't.

You know when you get a searing pain through your chest and can't stop literally shaking.
until you pray.

You know when you can't even begin to imagine, you know when you don't even WANT to imagine, the implications that this will have in the lives of those you love? And the lives of those you have never even, and probably never will meet...?

You know how you can grieve yet still have peace.

You know when you have no idea what God's doing... but you know that He's doing something.

You know how when you're praying for people and all you can see is the way their faces, all of them, lit up when they talked about her... about how beautiful she was. inside and out.

You know how when you think about what it would feel like to be in their shoes it almost tears you apart?

You know how your only memories of her are very short and somewhat vague... but you just KNEW that she had a truly beautiful soul...

You know how you're glad your paths got intertwined... even if it was just briefly. very briefly.

You know how you go to talk, to let them know you're thinking of them and praying... but all that comes out is jumble?

You know how you wish you had the right words. Is there even such a thing?

Funny that just this morning these are the two verses that I read and was blown away by again:

John 14:27 (Amplified Bible)

27Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]

(The Message)

25-27"I'm telling you these things while I'm still living with you. The Friend, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send at my request, will make everything plain to you. He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I'm leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. I don't leave you the way you're used to being left—feeling abandoned, bereft. So don't be upset. Don't be distraught.

Philippians 4:7 (The Message)

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

(Amplified Bible)

7And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Remember

2009-01-24T19:09:00.011Z

Sometimes I wonder why we're so forgetful.

Just a few months ago we could have a conversation and I would forget it within seconds.
My hands were COVERED in reminders.
I would ask everybody to remind me about everything.
I would warn people that I would probably forget things.
And forget things I did.
I forgot instructions soon after being given them... large chunks of my childhood... just gone. Even significant parts of my "life story" just
gone.
And I would get SO frustrated at myself.
When I had been in NY for a while one day Ness pointed out that I hadn't written on my hand for a while and that I actually had a pretty good memory these days.
It made a nice change!
Spiritual affects the physical.
I'm learning that more and more.

But

there's another load of forgetfulness that we suffer from too.

We forget to be grateful for what we have.
We forget the goodness of God.
We forget that life doesn't always have to go our way for it to be ok.
We forget how important prayer, worship, fellowship and accountability are.
We forget that it's ok to fall... but we need to fall into His arms, not onto our own two feet.
We forget to rest.
We forget to trust.
We forget about faith.
We forget that God cannot lie. It's just impossible.
We forget that there is a real battle going on... an epic battle of good vs evil. Pick a team.(P.S The good already won.)
We forget to pursue truth. The truth really has, does and will set us free.
We forget to laugh. I think it's important to be full of joy. Even in adversity. Laughter is VERY healing!

I am guilty as charged on all of the above.
and then some.

But we should just remember to take it easy and not let stuff consume us.
Unless it's God. God should consume us.

When we're worrying or full of fear... or doubt... or working a lot... or excited about something cool that happened... or just anything really, it's easy to forget that God wants to be centre of that...
And when we go to Him first with EVERYTHING, just watch everything fall into place!

We should encourage eachother to speak positively. Words have power. Really. They do.
We can speak things into existance. What are you creating with your words?
In the Bible it talks about how our words have the power of life and death.
I personally would prefer to be speaking good things into the lives of my friends and family... and strangers... and myself.
How about you?
I've found that when we focus on the good stuff, the bad stuff doesn't seem so evident anyway.

Let's ask the Lord to help us to live life with His eyes, with His ears... Let's ask Him to saturate us. To flood us with zest and tenacity... to teach how to respect ourselves and eachother... To show us how to be more than real - to be authentic... Let's ask Him to show us how to correctly prioritise our lives... To take us to new levels of obedience and humility.

I pray that we would speak with more than words.
I pray that truth would become more than "cliche."
I pray that we would live out the freedom that already belongs to us.

I pray that we wouldn't settle for second best.
I pray that we would be a constant source of encouragement and blessing and truth to those around us.
I pray that even in the darkest places we're so rooted in the love of Christ that we can't help but shine.

I pray that we would realise our true authority in Christ and walk in it.
I pray that we would no longer be bound and crippled by fears and insecurities.
I pray that wherever we're at on this journey that we would know the reality of Jesus and what he did for us... and the implications of the cross today.

I pray that we would have teachable spirits that we may learn everything that God has for us in every situation.
I pray that we wouldn't be afraid to dream and have goals and acheive.
I pray that God truly would have first place in our hearts and lives.

Let it be so.

New Song. (Can you think of a name?!)

2009-01-23T15:46:00.005Z

This lonely road is getting kind of old
it's just going round in circles.
It's repetition of feelings I thought I'd dealt with
But apparently I just hid

Cause in this time I'm reminded of my need for a saviour
to be my lifeline
Cause as hard as I try I can't do this in my own strength
-my legs are so tired

From walking this endless road that's going nowhere
I need divine intervention.

I think my back's bruised, don't think I can move
I'm being consumed by a dark and heavy feeling
So Jesus would you come and remove
what is not of you. Replace it with truth

Now I can breathe
Now I dream
Now I can be more than I ever believed that I could be
Now I can stand in victory,
shake the dust of my feet
I walk in liberty
I am free, I am free, I am free

And in this time I still have the need for a saviour
you're my only lifeline
And as hard as I try
I'll never make without you by my side

to walk this windy road
I believe help my unbelief
I give you my heart
fix it back together
piece by piece
I give you my dreams
and you can have my deepest fears

Jesus Christ
Be Lord of my
everything.

I love you.

2009-01-22T02:03:00.004Z

3 simple words.

Yet they hold such meaning.
or do they?
I mean... they should.
But these days sometimes I feel like they have almost lost their meaning... like society has almost become immune to the power of those words and all of it's implications.
It's definately something i struggle with.
I mean, Jesus talks all the time about love and how vital it is
and woah. God IS love.
People's perception of what it is can sometimes be so twisted... maybe due to wounds and hurts of their past, maybe due to not even knowing what love really is... Many reasons.
It's SO easy to get caught up in thinking that love has to be earnt... or warranted... or love is attraction... maybe love is materialistic and is in how much you buy for someone...
maybe to love you have to be with someone all the time... maybe call a lot and text/email...
Well, there are definately love languages... 5 different ways that people receieve/give love:
words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch...
So some of that's ok... But in balance.
We need to get our needs met first and foremost by God...
Love. four letters that spin my world around.
See, i used to say "i love you" really easily... to friends, to people maybe i didn't even know that well... Then i got told how it had almost lost it's meaning because I said it so much...
So i didn't say it anymore...
Then it became almost a fear to say it.
It took A LOT for me to say it... to anybody. Even my closest friends...
Love in my world has definately been misused and warped... but the more I knew Jesus, the more I was falling in LOVE with Him and the more i was learning to be loved (which FYI is at times freaking difficult... to be loved... for me anyways.)
So where did this leave me?
Now that i was learning what love truly meant... should I still have boundaries? should I still let people know how much they meant to me? would they know that I truly meant when i said that i loved them? Was it more than pleasantries or nice words? And what if they didn't say it back? Or what if I appear to call/email more? Does that mean that it's imbalanced?
It's hard to give without receving sometimes... That's why our identity and dependancy needs to be only in God...
Honestly, I have no conclusion.
A huge fear of it was broken while I was in New York the first time...
but slowly I've noticed that it's getting harder and harder for me to say it.
Sometimes it's hard for me not to say it.
Like if someone says "I love you."
what do you say back?! well... if you change the subject it's rude, if you ignore it is that disrespecting their potentially heartfelt words... If you're silent, it's just awkward...
Sometimes I find that i say it almost as a reflex... because i'm overanalysing (I do that. A lot.)
I honestly have no conclusion.
Other than that it really is ok to love.
But I guess the 3 words are nothing if we don't truly mean it... And how do we mean it?
Well... If God is love, than surely the more we know Him, the more we know love...

I way over complicate things.
But yeah... I know for sure that if God is love and I love God then I love love... i love to love. I love to be loved... and umm... I don't know how to tie up all the thoughts in my head or if these ones even make sense.

goodnight =P

TAGGED!

2009-01-22T00:48:00.003Z

Explanation - Post the fourth picture on the fourth folder of your pictures and explain! oh yeah, and tag 4 more people.

Ok, as I said before, my computer died so i have no albums of pictures, but this is the fourth picture from the fourth album on my facebook.

Its Sully and his banjo and Walker and his guitar...
One night in thhheee 3rd week of september i believe, when I was in Hamlin, NY
a mutual friend of Joy, Jaron and me came to stay for the weekend... and on the sunday night a group of us went to Jaron's house and went into the forest clearing in his back yard and made a bonfire... It was amazing!
The stars were out...
Most of the others had been to a barn dance the night before (Ness and I we conviently babysitting that night =P)
so they recreated it.
It was amazing. Friends, stars, music... Mr Pak's fruit smoothie that he made us to drink on our way to the fire (cold night, plus cold drink... random.)
I miss times like that.

ok... I'm gonna tag... Jacque , Jenni, Leea and Rachel

PEACE.

Oh, and maybe soon I'll blog about the RANDOM french man who only speaks spanish who is currently spending the night at my house!?

offline.

2009-01-20T16:42:00.001Z

My computer's died.
So, no internet for Tash.
This is gonna be good for me.
ha.
I'm using my mum's at the moment
and probably will be able to get on every now and then... but not very often...
Just thought I'd let you all know!
PEACE.

Lifeline.

2009-01-20T01:26:00.015Z

I feel like I'm in an ocean.
Either in a boat
or
Submerged beneath dark waters
with waves that just crash effortlessly over my head.
I forgot how to swim.
Sometimes the water is still and calm.
Sometimes I think the waves probably couldn't get any bigger.
When it's stormy
there are either currents under the surface of the water
or its completely the opposite
and its... just....inexplicably... calm...
It changes.
When I'm in the boat I'm dry, I can breathe...
I'm in a safer position.
A position to adaquately help the other people that are drowning.
Sometimes it looks like the other people are in calm waters.
But even from the boat I can't see if there are currents that are pulling them under.
When I'm in the water I rarely see anybody else.
I prefer being in the boat.
Sometimes I jump out of the boat.
Maybe to help the others.
I don't know why I think that will work.
It doesn't.
Maybe cause I think I'll reach my destination faster.
I don't know why I think that will work.
It won't.
Other times it's not even my fault I end up in the water.
Maybe I slip on the wet.
Maybe I get pushed out.
The tides are unpredictable.
Even when I'm in the water I'm always conscious that there is a boat.
Sometimes I forget to look though.
Other times I stubbornly close my eyes.
Maybe I want to see how long I can last in this tumultuous place.
Maybe I want to see how long it takes for my skin to get shrivelled
from being wet for too long.
I know how to float on my back.
When the waves have hushed
I could lay on my back for a long, long time
Staring up at the blue skies
and seeing what pictures the clouds are painting with shapes.
But there's no guarantee of what's going on beneath the surface.
I catch a glimpse of the boat - my lifeline.
Rain or shine I can without fail guarantee the presence of the boat.
And the captain.
The captain with kind eyes that dance
and have a language of their own...
Eyes that lock mine and remind me that even if I am soaked through
and even if I forgot how to swim...
He wants to make me safe.
He wants to saturate me with a different kind of water.
Living water.
This captain who has laughter lines
and a smile that warms me to the very core
and makes me forget temperature of this ice cold water.
The captain that reaches out one hand and has a towel in the other
ready to save me
and warm me up.
The captain who tells me
that I am beautiful
even if my mascara (which is apparently not the water proof kind)
is running down my face
and even if my voice is hoarse from screaming for help.
He tells me I could have whispered
and he still would have heard.
He tells me that it doesn't tell me how long I've been in the storm
it's all ok now.
He tells me how I'll still get wet sometimes (from the sprays of the waves)
but he has plenty of umbrellas in his boat
and dry clothes... in my size.
He lifts me easily into the boat and into his arms and
everything stops.
I don't even notice if its stormy or calm.
I don't notice if the rain is falling or the sun is shining.
I don't notice if there are dolphins are jumping
or if there are birds singing.
In this moment I just know that I am secure. I know that I will always be secure...
I know that the arms of my captain are big and strong enough to hold me
and fight off the storm at the same time.
I know that I can listen to his heartbeat for as long as I want to.
I know that this boat is taking me on a journey
of freedom and liberty.
Sometimes I panic and try and grab the wheel and try and steer it.
But I soon realise that I've never sailed successfully on my own before
and I'm going round in circles.
and I let the captain take over again.
He knows what he's doing and where he's going.
And besides,
when he's steering the boat
I can reach over the sides and help the others
who are still trapped in the salty water.
If I just had this boat on its own I probably wouldn't be much help...
I couldn't steer plus help the drowning people...
I'm glad there's not just a boat;
there's a sail too
and the captain.
A 3 in 1 kind of deal.

More You. Less me.

2009-01-17T11:49:00.003Z

I'm going paintballing soon.
It's Jade's birthday... I don't know how I feel about it. The paintballing, not the fact it's her birthday...!
I finished babysitting after midnight and couldn't switch my brain off so I watched a movie.
Bride and Prejudice.
I liked it.

I had some weird dreams last night. Not bad... just weird.
So many random people from different parts of my life were in it.
And it was weird.
And it just got to a pretty poignant part... And my dad came in and woke me up asking me what time I was leaving.
I hate that!
Then when I fell back asleep I was back in the dream.
Different part of the same dream.
And I was just getting to the part where a friend and I were going to have a "grown up talk" as I like to call them (you know the ones where you have to be real and open and actually talk about stuff? Maybe even slightly confrontational? yeah.... Im not very good at those...!)
And it was funny how my dream was something that could actually happen in real life.
And then the house phone rang and I got a text at the same time.
And I woke up...

Today I wish I had a big sister. I mean, there have been different seasons in my life where different friends have kind of taken on that role... and it's been good... needed
but
seasons change.
I love my little sister. I think she's the bomb.com but it's different... I'm her big sister... And I love it!
But it's just different.

I've been reading. I havn't done that in a while. But it's interesting... It's about how women are created to be warriors.
I might blog on it soon.

Today, if I had a car, I would drive away with my guitar and journal and go to either of my favourite places (in this part of the world anyways!)
and just... spend time with God.
Away from here.
I'd probably go to the Wye Downs... Hills that overlook the whole of my town.

A couple of weeks ago my pastor mentioned about how sometimes a yearning for the Holy Spirit can have similar "symptoms" to depression.
Lonliness, Irritability.... generally low spirits... Tiredness... Lot's of things.

I need more of Him.
Less of me.

12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.
Colossians 3

Pitch a tent and dwell in it.

2009-01-16T02:55:00.003Z

Next month I'll be 20... 28 days until (Alisha) Smucker gets here. Last year I was in Oregon with her for our birthday (we share the same one!) This year she'll be here.
I wonder where we'll be next year.

Grace. This is going to be a year filled with grace (undeserved goodness).

--- 9But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and ^[a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may ^[b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
2 Corinthians 12:9---

I love that imagery... of Jesus coming and pitching a tent on top of my heart and just... living and dwelling right there... He didn't just build a little tent... He stays... He lives... He rests.

I got my nose repierced on Christmas eve.

Sometimes my brain has themes for the day.
This week one day was love. One day was grace. One day was family...
Another was people.

Cause its so easy for me to put people on some kind of subconscious pedestal.
Then when I see an area of their life that they're making some bad decisions or have some really interesting behavioural patterns or ideas... or sometimes even just things that are different to the way I'd do them... Its really hard for me not to slip into judgement or frustration... or disappointment... or critisism.
But why?! I have no right.
Probably, I do exactly the same things as they do... Maybe some stuff isn't as obvious, but I'm pretty sure most things are... if not more so!
Why do I judge when I hate to be judged?!

It's a very bizarre cycle.
I get subconsciously irritated by what i see in other people that are infact character flaws that I struggle with too...
I have SO much to learn.

And recently, the verses in Romans 7 have become revalatory. Maybe that's not the word I really want.
But read this:

14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. (The Message)

I remember reading this verse in New Zealand a year and a half ago... One night in a motel in Rotorua I just picked up Crystal's bible and wanted so badly to understand this verse. But it was nothing but gobbldeegook. I had no idea what he was trying to say.

I think there's still so much more in there for me to grasp, but suddenly these past few weeks I feel like i understand more of what Paul was trying to say... The battle between what we KNOW is right, what we KNOW is God's will... and what we do. There is a huge difference between knowing and doing. Sometimes its so hard to know why I do what I do... Sometimes I do REALLY stupid things. Sometimes I say really stupid things...

But usually the times when I do most stupid stuff and have a bad attitude about things... I've noticed that they're the times I'm not putting God as ultimate first.
I can seriously feel the difference.

I bet my family can too =P

It's nearly 3am. I want to be asleep... But I was hungry for a really long time and so went and got a marmite sandwich and glass of milk... and now my brain is just active.

I need to get my camera fixed,

I need a job too...

I can't wait to get more involved with church... Hopefully that's soon... I just have to sign some final paperwork for police checks this weekend.

I might try to learn how to paint.

You know when you're craving something but don't know what it is?
And you're not even hungry?

And how do you guard your heart without barricading it?

Right now, every single tap in my house drips.
I never want to be a dripping tap.
Not only does it get annoying very fast,
But it's wasting resources!
I don't want to waste my resources.
Or be nagging.

What should I cook for dinner tomorrow?

I'm babysitting a 7 month old baby tomorrow. Cute.

I have one cold foot. I hate having cold feet.

Goodnight neverland.

Hollywood Smile

2009-01-14T17:40:00.004Z

Some of my friends from church went stateside for the Christmas/New Year season...
I asked one of them to bring me back some teeth whitening stuff.
Freya came back from New Zealand in early december with a very brilliant smile.
I guess I wanted one too.
I like to smile.
I guess I got conscious of the coffee stained state of my teeth...

So
Sunday night was when I got given my gift!
I gave my friend the money and when I got home, the process began!
What it is, is 2 strips of gel coated stuff that you pretty much mould to your teeth and leave for 30 minutes twice a day.
By Monday night I could see some improvement!
Exciting.
On Tuesday I had the revelation of the hollywood smile.
Check this out!
(I hope I do a better job explaining it here than when I tried to explain it to Freya yesterday!)

So
I bought the kit with the knowledge of what it was going to do. I wanted white teeth.
Every day I go through a process.
It's pretty intense and my gums and teeth are officially sensitive!
On tuesday I pointed out that some teeth were already really white and some were still stained and I wanted to know if that meant that the gel wasn't working and if i'd just wasted money...
Freya, very wisely, pointed out that teeth are all stained to different degrees and while some will be cleaned really fast, some are deeper and take longer.

Do you see wher e I'm going with this?!

To me this process has reminded me and given me fresh revelation of Freedom and Healing.

When we give our hearts to Jesus, His promise is like that of my teeth whitening kit. He promises to make us white as snow and pure and holy before Him.
And we are.
Sometimes there's a process though.
Some things are instantaneously made white and clean... But for other things, its a work in progress...
And sometimes in those times of purification and refining - it freaking hurts. Like woah.
We can sometimes be more sensitive.
And an interesting thought is too that sometimes we don't notice the state of our teeth (or hearts) until we spend time with others who have really beautiful smiles... or hearts...

Jesus promises that He won't leave us half done. He won't leave us half clean and half dirty... He says that He promises to see what He has started through to completion...

But just like I didn't just buy the kit and automatically have a brilliantly white smile, we can't assume that by giving our hearts to Christ that everything will be smooth running. It will not. Trust me.
I guess in some ways there's a price for freedom.
You. Me.
Us.
Jesus wants our everything.
And just like everyday I have to put these mould thingies on my teeth... I have to put them on for myself and only then will I see result!
The kit says to do it for 7 days.
But if I don't follow the guidelines/instructions that come with the kit... After 7 days, if I've just left the kit in a drawer untouched, I will have exactly the same smile as I had before.

James 4:8 in the Amplified Bible says:

8Come close to God and He will come close to you. [Recognize that you are] sinners, get your soiled hands clean; [realize that you have been disloyal] wavering individuals with divided interests, and purify your hearts [of your spiritual adultery].

It says "Come close to God and He will come close to you."
Another version says "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

We have to take steps too.

Let's.
Let's see change.
We have to make change to see change.
Let's delight ourselves in the ways of The King.
How do we know what they are? Well, by spending time in His presence.
Prayer Changes Things.
Really.

An interesting quote that I read yesterday:

If you want to know where your heart is,
look where your mind goes when it wanders.

Let's choose holiness.
Let's choose grace.
Let's choose freedom.
Let's choose truth.
Let's choose Love.
Let's choose purity.

The Heart of The Matter Is A Matter of The Heart.

2009-01-10T15:50:00.007Z

I love listening to my sister getting ready for her day and singing like no one’s listening...I love how much more confident she’s got – exploring what different things her voice can do. When we were small she used to be our little performing monkey! When we were at people’s houses it was always “Letitia, sing us a song!” and sing she would! Her favourite song for a long time was “Because You Loved Me,” by Celiene Dion....

Then one day my dad made some comment about how when she sang it was “too nasally” and BAM. For years and years she just would not sing in front of anybody. The only time she sang was early in the morning when she was getting ready for school.

I’m not gonna lie, it annoyed me alot. Just because it was loud. And I was still trying to sleep...! Mostly it frustrated me that her voice was clearly amazing yet she was so shy and wouldn’t sing in front of anybody... If ever she was asked she would refuse and would be at the point of tears very quickly.

But everytime that I’ve been away from home that has been one of the things I’ve missed the most... Hearing her voice. Her gift.

Tisha’s school is one that is very well known for it’s performing arts side. One of the options that she chose for her final exams, which are coming up this year, was to specialise in music performance.

When I got back last march after 11 months of not being here I was amazed at how confident she had become. Dad and I went one day to watch a performance that her class put on at school and she rocked it! Whereas before she’d had an amazing voice but stood very still and her body language showed her nerves even if her voice didn’t... This time she was having fun! She moved about and was confident and more than amazing songs, she gave an incredible performance.

One of my points is, like I’ve written before, words have power. We need to be so careful about even the little offhand comments we make without thinking.

What you think, so you are...

My prayer is that our minds would be refined so that we don’t even give room to negative thoughts.

"You don't get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It's who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.”
Luke 6-45-46

Just as water mirrors your face,
so your face mirrors your heart.”
Proverbs 27:19

We have to remember also that we can’t MAKE ourselves nicer people.. It truly is a case of The Heart Of The Matter is A Matter Of The Heart...

God is the only one who can change and transform us from the inside out... our job is just to let Him.

Ready.

2009-01-08T22:59:00.005Z

I started writing a new blog a few days ago.
Then my internet disconnected and reset everything I was doing.
I lost the blog.
I should do the smart thing that Jane does and write it in word and save it as I go along!

These past couple of weeks have been awesome. So revelatory.
I love how evident God is.

One day as I was journalling I was just praying and tell God about how I was ready.
Ready to stop looking at myself and the wounds and flaws that need to be gone, but ready to look outwardly and be strong... but only in His strength.
It's funny how since then I have had intense times nearly every day of speaking with people - some that I know, some that I don't- and just seeing God do such powerful things!
Words have power.
We need to make sure we're speaking words of truth and encouragment to eachother.
Sometimes I think it's so easy to get caught up trying to "better" eachother (or even ourselves)
that we get critical and see only the parts with "room for improvement..."
I agree that as iron sharpens iron so friends should sharpen eachother...
But let's remember to speak in love.
If we're only seeing eachother's faults how can we be patient and kind and selfless with each other?
Love over powers all of the stuff we do wrong.

Some of my journal entry from sunday is a prayer... I wanted to share part of it with you guys.
This is my heart's cry... I pray that it would be encouraging to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God
You are so good! Thankyou for who You are.
God I need change.
Fill me with grace.
Fill me with compassion.
Increase my capacity to love. Let me love with your love.
Let me breathe forgiveness and mercy. Let me radiate life and truth.

Take away every harsh edge of my heart, every unkind thought or word - spoken or unspoken.

Stir up the dormant passions within me.
Give me words to encourage and edify.
Give me courage to stand up for my convictions.

Saturate me with love that I may freely love and be loved.

Lord, I want to walk into a room and for the atmosphere to be changed.
I want to bring peace and joy and righteousness into conversation and atmosphere.

Refresh me that I can be alert and ready at all times.

God, thankyou for freedom. Thankyou that I am free of so much.
I know there is more.
Show me the areas I need to give to you, to surrender.

Flood me with patience! 'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.'

Show me how to guard my heart without barricading it.

Give me a teachable spirit that I may graciously learn from every situation and circumstance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is completely different to what I sat down to blog about... but hey!
I'll finish with this quote my friend told me this week

"When you come to the end of all the light you know
and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen:
Either you will be given something solid to stand on
or you will be taught to fly."

-Edward Teller

LoveLoveLove

2008-12-23T07:41:00.001Z

I woke up at 6:30 this morning... now it's nearly 8.
I woke up because I had a dream about a friend... Its wasn't a happy dream.

After being awake and not being able to go back to sleep (I think it was cause my heart was pounding so violently!) I signed into Facebook and was just catching up with a few emails etc and then my friend updated their status... So I signed into the Instant Messenger and we had an awesome talk... He's really struggling with some things right now and it was good to talk with him, even if it was just for a short time...

After he signed out to go to bed, I was also talking to another friend who was crazy-excited about Jesus! She was just typing away about all these things... I shared about how I'd been in a bit of a funk recently and that now I felt slight breakthrough...
I said how I feel like I'm breaking out of my chrysalis and every now and then I get a glorious glimpse of sunlight and breathe in the fresh air... and then fall back into the cocoon thing...
She said how it was just a season and how I just needed to cling onto HOPE and LOVE.
I told her how sometimes I felt like they were on this bar that I just couldn't reach sometimes... That sometimes it seemed like they were this metal pole that was playing a game that was the opposite of the chicken limbo and that the bar just got higher and higher and further and further out of reach.
Then I laughed and shared this random picture that I got:
Ok, you know those metal poles that people use to do those pull up things? I think they're called chin ups...
And you know in the movies there's always the one little guy that can't do it?
So, that's me.
And then you know how sometimes you get the kind other guy who picks up the weak kid and holds them up and moves them up and down? Taking all of the strain... but the little guy is the one holding onto the pole...
So the big, strong, kind guy... That's like Jesus.
Most girls I know HATE being picked up and carried... I know I sure as heck do.
But I guess that's all we need to do is to give permission for Jesus to be our strong superhero type guy and pick us up and hold us up to the bar of hope and love... Let's face it... If he's got the whole world in His hands, it's not like He can't hold our weight too!

Love has been coming up a lot in these 2 hours that I've been awake... Even in my dream actually...
But yeah, blogs about it... conversation (well, IM anyway!)... thoughts...
Sometimes it's really easy for 1 Corinthians to become cliche... But i think it's one of the most incredible verses and it's one I know I definately need to be reminded of more often!

The Way of Love

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

(The Message Bible)

Blessings in the Desert Places/Battle Spaces

2008-12-10T01:29:00.002Z

It's time for a new blog.
I just got that feeling tonight... I'm havn't decided exactly what to write yet though!
I've been sick and in bed for most of 5 days with high fever, back and hip pains, coughing, headaches... blah blah.
I've slept more than I previously thought humanly possible... and thought more than I have in a long time. Some thought processes have been somewhat delusional, but there's been some good stuff in there too...!
I havn't blogged in a while because I guess I havn't known what to say... I've been in a, and maybe still am in, a funk.
Some of it's self inflicted probably.
And I don't really wish to go into details about a lot of it...
But
it's been an interesting couple of weeks... That's for sure!

A lot of stuff within my heart that I wasn't very aware of has been brought to the fore front of my consciousness and knowing how or where or when to deal with things is a battle within itself!
I have so many questions and things I need to find out... Maybe that's part of my female prerogative... but too, I need to find the balance of getting answers to some questions and being ok with never knowing the answers to others... Right now, the second option doesn't make me happy! But such is life...

I love that even in the midst of our desert places/battle spaces God can still bless above and beyond what we even need though!
When I was in Hamlin, NY I was reminded of a desire I'd hidden somewhere deep in my heart to play piano... A dream of mine is to be able to lead worship using a piano... There's just something about it that touches my soul like nothing else!
So I started to play... I would close the door (thus providing a "false sense of security" as Jenessa called it!) and just play... I would ask for help sometimes and sometimes I would just play for probably what was to every one else obnoxious amounts of time!
But even if I'm playing the same thing over and over and over again, I get lost... Time has no effect...
One day maybe in October I was on the phone to my mum in England and asked if we could get a piano, knowing the answer ahead of time would be a big No.
It was.

Within the first few days of being home at the end of the month my mum said to me how the day I'd asked her over the phone about the piano, dad had come home from work saying he'd got a phonecall from an old friend asking if we wanted a piano... And he'd said yes...!

Well, after a lot of phone calls and organisation, yesterday my dad calls up late afternoon asking if we'd cleared a space cause they were on their way over with a piano. When I asked how big of a space, he said "well... it's quite big"
So dad's information to us before this day was only that it would need tuning and that it was an upright.

So the van pulls up outside the house and dad, Levi and a family friend Paul come inside the house to assess the space that mum and I had cleared in the front room...In between my coughing and blowing my nose, I told him the story of the timing of his phone call and he said "You do know it's a grand piano right?!"
um... excuse me?
I told him he was lying.
so they brought the top of it in to prove it, and to find a space.
The space mum and I had cleared would have been more than adaquate for an upright...normal piano... but a grand?! really?
That had always been one of my secret dreams.
We decided it wasn't fair to take up the majority of the living room with a piano so we fixed a space in the study... and the men got to work.
And now in my house there is an old grand piano... I don't even know what date it was made... it looks out of place as anything, it takes up ridiculous amounts of space, its got a few chips... but I love it! It has so much character!
Its just been lying in someones outside shed for a long time so we're waiting for it to adjust (so the keys stop sticking) before getting a someone to come and tune it...
but seriously...
who gets given a grand piano?!

The Quest

2008-12-01T19:55:00.001Z

Monday 1st December

The shaking has subsided.
The weight has lifted.
Hope has fallen from Heaven and touched my soul.

Peace tentatively embraces my skin.
I am so sure of forgiveness and mercy...
yet I almost anticipate feeling the shame again.

But I will not let it.
I will fight.
I must fight.

I have to choose to believe
and not feel.

The consequences are enough alone
without guilt inviting itself into my conscience.

I’ve been shaken to the core.
Everything I thought was, isn’t
who I thought I was, I guess I’m not...
But maybe I am.

I need an increase.
An increase of admirable things.
A decrease of selfishness.

Things have to change now.
I wish I knew what and how.
I wish I could draw a map of my life onto some blank paper
and see the directions to the grand finale.

I am not strong.
But I am not weak.
I do not claim to know everything.
But my brain is not empty.

There are parts of me which are obviously torn,

parts of my soul which have subtle flaws.
But I am on a quest for freedom,
A quest for the wounds which have stung me for so long
to be gone.
Not just forgotten about
or swept under the rug
But to be healed from the inside out.

Why is it almost embarrassing to be real?
Why is openness so seemingly problematic?
Why is vulnerability so apparently complex?
Why is it just plain difficult to accept that I am loved?
Oh, the complexity of simplicity.

I can’t give when I have nothing.
Do I have nothing?
Is that really it?
Am I void? Am I just a deserted space?

Why is it so much easier for the bad to almost overwhelm the good?
The battle is won.
Why is it still being fought?

I feel the sting of sin resting constantly on my skin.
What door did I open to let this nonsense in?
GET OFF ME.

My eyes are heavy
But I need my mind to be alert.
I need to choose to place my thoughts above what I see before me.
To fix my thoughts on... not me.

I feel as though I need a new perspective, a different reality
but maybe I just need to change the angle of my vision.

It’s funny how even when I feel right again
I feel like my eyes look dull,
like a light got switched off...

But I know the truth.

I know that mountains have been and will be moved.
My mountains may look like fear
and pride
and disgrace...
But mustard seeds are full of fire and life.

Maybe this is the part before the crescendo.
Maybe before and after soaring heights there has to be a low.
Maybe... Just maybe the foundations are shaking
so that the debris can be cleared before the next big thing...

As I sit here and think about a multitude of things
I am suddenly nearly almost overwhelmed
with a quietness.
A graceful peace.
A boldness.
A spark of new interest.
A powerful stillness.

I change my fear of the unknown, to
trust.
Trusting beyond what I see and feel.
Choosing to believe what I know to be real.

The tightness in my chest is trying to return
but I will fight for each breathe
until I don’t need to anymore.

In through the nose...
Out through the mouth...

Everything else fades into oblivion...
I might not know exactly how to feel
or what to do,
But suddenly, that’s just ok.

Prayer.

2008-12-01T19:17:00.000Z

Friday 28^th November 2008

I can’t quite formulate thoughts right now enough to think,
So I’m gonna write.
But I don’t know how to start.
I don’t know where to start.
My soul hurts.
I can’t stop the salty water from falling out of my soul and running down my cheeks.

Consider this my prayer.

Father forgive me for I have sinned.
And the worst part is that I blatantly disobeyed you.
All I know in my heart is that I find rest in You.
But my mind is going in between being numb
and thinking of three thousand things at once.

Help me Jesus.

Show me how to reflect you even now, even in the midst of this seemingly dark place.
Give me strength to fight.
Create in me a clean heart... A pure heart.
Give me understanding... Why did I do such a series of stupid things?
How do I learn from, without holding on to?
How do I praise you through this storm without feeling like a hypocrite?
I’m not even worthy to be in your presence, so would it be wrong of me to keep seeking it?
In my head I know that I should seek and worship you at ALL times...

So Jesus,
Silence the fear. Silence the doubt. Silence the unforgiveness. Silence the confusion.
Silence the ignorance. Silence the condemnation. Silence the judgement.
Silence the over analysing. Silence the panic. Silence the pity.

Remind me what hope is, what it means.
Show me how to keep my heart from turning to stone,
from blocking out every good thing.

Take me to the root;
to the cause and reason of my actions
and show me what I need to do to get rid of it.
Because I will do whatever it takes.
I will not give up.
I will not stop fighting.
Be my strength. Be my source.

I feel like I’m suffocating.
You breathed life into me in the beginning
so would it be rude of me to ask You
to fill my lungs again?

You turned water into wine and walked on the ocean.
You fed 5,000 and gave sight to the blind.
You dined with the outcasts of society.
You were fully man yet complete divinity.

The miracles I need go more along the lines of needing peace.
To see change.
For every wounded part of me to be restored
For every breath that I even take to bring glory to not me,
but You.
To be an accurate representation of You
King Jesus.

The miracles I need go more along the lines of being forgiven
Not by you. I believe you forgave me when I asked...
But by those whom I have done wrong by.
For relationships to be restored.
Not necessarily to the way things were before,
because change is important, change is inevitable
But to the point of being able to talk
back to the point of being able to laugh
To the point of being able to cry and share dreams and fears once more.
To the point of the awkwardness being gone.

Show me how to forgive myself.

I need a miracle of the heart.

I want to surrender... But show me what, show me how
Let me start by giving you me again.
I choose You.
Let Hallelujah run through my veins.
Let every breath I take make you proud
I want to hear your voice so loudly within my being
that it resonates
and rings as clear as it rings true.

I dishonoured You. I brought disgrace to Your Holy name.
Yet my portion is not pain, it is not shame.
I don’t need to be afraid.
Show me how to deal with the consequence of my sin
yet live fully covered by the grace
that only You give.

I choose to know that you love me regardless of what I do.
I can’t help but love you.
I am drowning in a lake of confusion
yet saturated in grace – goodness that I by no means deserve.

Tear down the walls that I seem to be effortlessly building
around my heart.
Fling each stone as far away from me as You can.

Rescue me from my subconscious.
Rescue me from every arrow that is being flung at me.
Rescue me from weariness.
Rescue me.
Keep my heart malleable.
Keep my mind alert.
Keep my heart open and ready.

Jesus, you invade my soul.
Immerse me in your love.

Out of Time.

2008-11-23T08:31:00.004Z

I’m sat on the plane. I don’t have much time before my battery runs out.

When I see Joy I will have been travelling for over 30 hours. That’s longer than it took me to get to NZ! I’m on the flight from Gatwick to Charlotte at the moment, I have a 4 hour stopover (where I get to see an old friend and her new baby!) and then onto JFK... then a 1:15am bus in Manhattan. Madness.

I read this verse in the Bible earlier (I had 2 hours of waiting around in Gatwick!) and I think it was in Ecclesiastes... It said something like “Don’t look back on the ‘good times’. That is foolish.” And it got me thinking. I guess what Solomon was trying to say was about the whole living in today not yesterday thing... But I just wonder where the balance is... I guess it’s ok to remember and think about the past sometimes... but not to dwell on and try to recapture every second of it... Cause there’s a definite beauty in today, but not if we’re trying to make it was yesterday was... I don’t know.

I have no concept of time right now! As I write this, its 6:45pm in England, but I don’t even know what the local place is, let alone the time zone...

It’s a pretty bizarre concept when you think about it... being almost out of time, but not really.
You know what would be really epic? If they had wireless internet on the plane!

I wonder if Jane’s had her baby yet. I personally think he’s waiting for Sunday... That’s the day I get there ;)

Nadine arrives in JFK today too... but she gets there a while before me. If she still doesn’t know I’m going to surprise her... it’s pretty funny to my soul.
While she was staying at my house when I first got back a couple of weeks ago, the amount of times people slipped up and said stuff is shocking!

But I think we covered pretty well. I hope so.

I’m so excited about this week. It’s kind of bittersweet though because it’s more goodbyes and not knowing the next time we get to see each other again...
I havn’t seen Jon and JJ in 10 months and I havn’t seen Joni in 9 months... So it’s SO good to be able to see them for the weekend! (It’ll be good to see Nadine too but it’s different cause I just saw her 3 weeks ago =P) I guess we’re all so different now. I wonder how it will be...
It’ll be so good to be all together again!

Hopefully this week is full of good things.
My battery’s about to die so I should probably save this and shut down...

But in closing...
God still astounds me. I can’t believe that He is just so... I don’t even know what word to use! I just stared at the computer screen for a good while... cause how do you capture God in one word?

Pretty much, you don’t...

But I wish more people could just know the reality of Him, the freedom in Him and the adventures with Him.

When I said "adventures...."

2008-11-23T08:31:00.003Z

The Coat From His Back.

It’s 3am. I have left my house 25 hours ago... and I’m stuck in JFK, NY for at least another 4 hours.
Let me share about my eventful day/evening.

Everything was going well, I flew London- Charlotte, met Rachel, hung out for a while, went to the airport, checked in, got on the plane, took off at 8:30pm for a 2 hour flight. I remember when we got above the clouds and the stars seemed so close... The clouds below were blocking out the city lights so it was pitch black and these glorious stars... Orion’s belt was the one that was most obvious... After just a little while, I fell asleep.

I woke up to the sound of the captain over the intercom saying that unfortunately due to weather circumstances they’d been sent on a route 100 miles out of the way and as they hadn’t forseen this, they were about to run out of fuel so were going to land in Pennsylvania to refuel and that it would take 20 minutes. We took off an hour later.

During the waiting onboard, everybody seemed to be bonding with a common factor... A intense frustration with the airline.

There was nobody in the seat next to mine and there was one man sat in the seats adjacent. He started telling me how this was the fourth time with this airline that something had gone wrong... and when he was done I said that I hoped I would catch my bus from Port of Authority in Manhattan.
He was very helpful and told me my best route and all sorts.

The more time went on, the more concerned he got that I wouldn’t make it. He let me use my phone to let the Ebel’s know that I was in Pennsylvania and then he got the number for greyhound to see if he could find out whether they would hold the bus... All he got was automated services though.

When we got off the plane he stuck with me and said he’d help me on my way. So we got to the baggage claims and waited for a MILLION years (in the least literal sense!) for my suitcase and guitar and he was so helpful going and asking different people different things to try to help me out.

Eventually we got outside and saw a sign saying $15 bus straight to the bus station... He told me to wait where I was (by now it’s maybe 12:30?) and he went and spoke to someone. He came back and said he had bad news and that the cop had told him that the $15 bus had stopped at 11pm. I could get a $50 taxi but couldn’t guarantee that I’d make the bus. He took off his coat and told me to wear it. I said no. He told me to wear it... He pointed out that he had another one... It’s not even a particularly nice coat but instantly I remembered that verse in the bible where Jesus talks about giving someone the coat off your back if they needed it. I think that’s what it says. My brain isn’t fully functioning right now!

Anyways, the first man (whose name I never found out) said that getting a taxi would be silly cause I’d just end up getting there and not being allowed to stay overnight...
By this point I’m nearly in tears, I just want to get to Joy right?! So I used his phone again and spoke to her and we figured that I’d stay at the airport and go to the bus station first thing in the morning and let her know what time I’d arrive.

He went to leave and handed me $20 and told me to eat. The last time I’d eaten was a sandwich on the plane at 2pm.

The policeman then took me into the terminal and said how it would be closed, but that I had his permission to stay there. He let me use the phone to call Joy back to see if she’d found out any greyhound times for the morning... she hadn’t.

He took me to a vending machine cause that’s all there was around so I got a couple of things.
He left and told me that if there was any problems to tell them to call him.

As he walked away a security guard came and told me I had to leave. I told him what had happened and that he needed to go and speak to the police man. This was the bit that apparently tipped me off the edge and tears started falling down my face. I guess guys don’t know how to handle that sometimes. He left pretty fast.
But he came back really soon saying that he couldn’t find the cop and that I had to wait around the corner by the entrance until the officer came back round.

I went and sat down and started to eat until another security guard came and told me I had to leave... I tried to explain to him that the cop had told me not to move and the whole story but then another lady from the airline came over.
I was too tired to argue. They told me where to go and half an hour later here I was in terminal 4.
I’m too tired to sleep... and too nervous that I’ll sleep for too long, or my stuff will get thieved! And I’m past the stage of hungry and I just think this is hysterical now!

If things had gone the way they were meant to I would be 5 hours from being with Joy. Instead I’m closer to 5 hours till I can even get on the bus!

The thing about this story is that 2 guys who aren’t even Christians went out of their way to make sure I was ok... and it really touched me! If they hadn’t have been around I wouldn’t have had a clue what to do or where to go.

I love that God can use anybody. I love that His hand of protection is over me and that he keeps me safe. I love that my God is bigger than all these minor catastrophes that happened.

And the best bit is?! I’m not cold in the process.

I Stand In Awe.

2008-11-22T02:13:00.001Z

What a day!

Its nearly 2:30am and I still havn't packed... and I still have to shower...
and I leave at 6:30 to get to Gatwick...
I just got off the phone with Ashley and then Livi...
I just love them.
Ashley's phone died after a short time but it was so good to hear just a bit of what the Lord has done in her life in the last few months since we last got to speak....
And Livi... She just blesses my soul... So much...

Tonight I got given money. Randomly.
I'm choosing not to write exactly how because I want it to kind of stay anonymous... But I got given $100 and instructions to buy a coat and whatever else I need...
I also got given £40 towards travel and whatever else I need.
Also I got given $100 dollars and 3 items to buy and whatever change there is I can have.
SO.
In total, in the last 3 days I have been given $220!! plus the change from the $100...
I get money left over after my travel costs!!
How Great Is Our God???
Some people have said to me before
" After the last couple of years, you of all people should know God's provision."
And yes, I do... and I should...
but
like I said in my last entry, its that vicious cycle...
and most of the money that has been provided before has been for mission stuff... This is just a holiday!
And the fact that God cares enough about me to not let me fall flat on my face, kissing the foreign soil... It astounds me!
The past couple of days I've been just claiming God's promises.
Not out of panic... But just as "God! You have said that You are my shepherd and I SHALL NOT BE IN WANT... You've said that if I ask I WILL RECEIVE..." And thanking Him that He's perfect and cannot go back on His promises...
I love that His Grace alone is sufficient...
That even though I'm so selfish and full of bad attitudes some of the time... He still provides.

Tonight I went to a joint worship and praise night... it was Raze (14-17s) and Avenue (18s-30s)
and it was really good to just... worship... to let go and worship...

Afterwards I was kind of sat at the back of the hall... not wanting to leave, but not wanting to talk to anyone... I was still just in awe of God and slightly speechless (I think I made up for it on the phone with Liv though haha!)
and so I was reading the Bible... I read a bit of Esther and a bit of Job...

Anna came up to me. She's 14 and she just loves Jesus! I love how much she's grown in the last 3/4 months!
She came and caught my eye and laughed and then she just started praying for me!
Just all this stuff... that was just so... perfect! (Isn't it cool that it doesn't matter what age you are, you can still hear the voice of God?!)
She got this picture that was so... spot on... I couldn't help but smile when part of it was that I was dancing...
When I was in NY... nearly every day something would come up about dance.
Its a big area in my life that is being worked on. Freedom to Dance... It's coming!

I love God.
It makes me sad that so many Christians even, just don't know the reality of God...

Cause seriously... who gets sent money in the mail and handed hundreds of dollars in one night...!?

Jehovah Jireh.

2008-11-19T11:12:00.002Z

The butterflies are back.
With a vengance.
But this time for different reasons...
Let me tell you about them.

It starts off this morning. I wake up with a phone call - a friend seeing if I want to hang out...
and as I get off the phone I look at my computer and see that Crystal's online!
So I'm talking to her and she asks me how I'm doing and I tell her about how I'm doing good but need a miracle.
"I leave on saturday morning and literally have no money."
She says
"Listen... The money will come through... I just know it will.... Im gonna keep pryaing okay Love"

We literally said one more sentence each before the doorbell went downstairs and my mum called me...
So I go down and there's a package for me.
I bring it upstairs and as I'm opening it I knew.
I'm like "No way!"
I opened up a box that was full of chocolate, a couple of CDs, shower gel, moisturisers... and Money.
How Good Is My God?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?
It's not even like... heaps of money... but it's sufficient for travel from place to place...!

God is faithful. Everytime.
Actually, I've had several conversations talking about how stupid we are sometimes.
We put ourselves in this vicious cycle with God...
We need something. We freak out. He provides. We breathe. Until there's a need again. We freak out. He provides. We breathe... and so on!!

Even though I'm finding some things hard right now... I KNOW that I can trust God.
And I don't necassarily need to understand everything... maybe right now, maybe ever...
His grace alone is sufficient.

Butterfly Flutterby

2008-11-19T00:45:00.001Z

I have butterflies in my tummy.
For no apparent reason.
It's happened more than once today.
It's been 1 and a 1/2 hours since this bout started.
And sometimes its uncomfortable and almost hurts!
Weird.

Joy said that maybe it means God's about to do something big.
Maybe she's right.

Who knows.

This week I've been watching a lot of Christian TV.
Well, actually.. not alot. I generally don't like TV... but this week I've managed to watch actually quite a bit of decent stuff!
Secular TV is pretty much full of trash
and most times Christian TV is budget and REALLY christianese and just.. cheesy.
Or made in 1929.

I watched an INCREDIBLE woman's conference... part of one at Hillsong, Australia... I think its called Colour or something...
But John Bevere's wife was speaking - Lisa.
It was phenomenal!
She was funny, witty, "Christian" AND SO REAL!

I've also been watching a lot of Joyce Meyer stuff... So interesting!
There were a couple of programmes that I recorded where she and christian psychologist Dr Kevin Leman.
It was awesome!
They were talking about how your memories CAN affect you but don't HAVE to.

I guess he wrote a book on it too,
They were talking about the normal patterns of behaviour depending on what the birth order in your family is... Firstborn, middle and youngest.
What happens if you're an only child...
or in a family of more than 3?!

They were talking about how children are like cement and the "wet" malleable part, is in the early years of a child's life... and what happens in a child's formative years will shape behaviour patterns throughout their lives.

It's funny too how a person can be pointing something out that you need to change in your life... a completely true thing... but the way that it's said can affect it so much...
The difference between guiding and critisising.

As a first born apparently it's easier to remember negative events, to be perfectionist (even in remembering things) to be critical... They're the guinea pig! They tend to need to dominate and be in control and HATE surprises.
Apparently, the middle child spends a lot of time comparing themself and have memories with a lot of people in them
The baby of the family is more likely to remember birthdays, christmases, surprises and be quite airy fairy about a lot of things.

I can definately see a lot of similarities with these...
I like surprises though. When I don't know that there's a surprise that's gonna happen... you know?
And the other stuff - being critical and dominating and I guess manipulative... It's stuff I've definately been aware of in my heart and life but THANK the LORD for healing and patterns being broken!
I don't think I'm completely free of everything, but heck knows I am a looooong way on from where I've been.

Thank God for change.

Regardless of me.

2008-11-15T11:27:00.003Z

I should be getting ready. I'm babysitting in just over 1/2 hour. A little guy who's slightly disabled. I have no idea how to entertain him for 5 hours! I think we're gonna go to the lake and feed the ducks.
He's cute.
So I spoke at the women's meeting yesterday and I don't even think I have time right now to explain what happened... but I think I got a glimpse of what part of my ministry is/will be...
The Holy Spirit was so strong. I told them that it was funny cause half of them used to be my sunday school teachers and now I was at the front lol!
There were 16 or 17 ladies I think and it was DEFINATELY God speaking through me cause there were wet eyeballs all round.
Not that it's about whether people cry or not.
But I think that normally that's a good indication of Holy Spirit healing times in people's hearts.
I got to pray with 2 ladies who came up to me afterwards.
Let me share briefly about the second lady.
I saw her on the other side of the room kind of debating whether to come up to me...
Finally she made up her mind and came over and asked me to pray. She's just started leading worship in a church... but the church sounds like its quite religious so she's afraid to do anything other than what they're used to: verse, chorus, verse, chorus, chorus end.
kind of thing and a few other things and i'm praying all this stuff... sometimes I stumbled over my words and got somewhat tongue tied... but after the "Amen" part I looked up at her and saw her with her eyes still closed and tears streaming down her face.
i LOVED that! Purely because it reminded me of how glorious God is!!
It didn't matter that I was 19, praying for a lady in her 40s... it didn't matter that I sometimes couldn't formulate sentences and kept stuttering... all that mattered was that we were both open to the Lord... and He moved!
I love how He can use us regardless of ourselves!

Prayer requests for this now of my life are:
-> Finances -I need a miracle this week.
-> An increasing awareness of the Holy Spirit
-> My family - salvations, courage, financial stuff, wisdom etc
-> More songs - I feel like that there are songs just swimming around my soul... but I need to get them out!
->Rest - at the right times. I'm not sleeping well at all... Since being back from NY I've found myself caught in a BAD sleeping pattern....
-> A JOB!

The Be All and End All.

2008-11-12T01:07:00.000Z

I think it's hysterical that my mind is full of such complex and intricate details and ideas... But ask me to put it down on paper (or the computer as this case may be!)
I can't formulate any of my thoughts into anything that makes any sense!
Blank.

Well, today I was thinking about what I wanted to be remembered for... What legacy do I want to leave behind? What will I have contributed to planet earth? What will my lifesong have been?
A little morbid maybe, but if, for example, I was to die right this very second and my funeral was say.. next week... How many people would be there? Would I be a loss to society? What would be said in speeches? Would there be a celebration of my life? People talking about the impact I'd left in their life maybe? Or would only a handful of people be there and nobody really know what to say past the awkward generic funeral speeches that so often are made.
I'm not thinking this at all in a depressing, does anyone even care about me kind of way...
No, it was a challenge to myself...
A challenge to step back and look at my life - my gift - and what I'm doing with it.
I want to have a good reputation. I want people to think of me as being lots of good things.
Not perfect.
No no no.
I am FAR from perfect.
But as human and as flawed as we are, my hope is that the good will outweigh that bad in my life.
I dont want to be remembered for being selfish or prideful, arrogant or rude... lazy or insecure, apathetic, stupid, paranoid, boring... or anything else like it.
I struggle with all of the above as I'm pretty sure most of us do.

But what kind of woman do I aim to be?
Well,

I want to be a woman of high principles. Not ever compromising who I am or what I believe.

A woman of integrity

1.	adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2.	the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

3.	a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

A woman of courage; To be able to do that even which I am afraid of.

1.	the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

2.	Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.

—Idiom

3.	have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.

A woman of compassion
1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

A woman of grace

1.	elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.

2.	a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.

3.	favor or good will, moral strength..

(There's a lot more, but I thought I'd stick to 3!)

A woman of genorosity

1.	readiness or liberality in giving.

2.	freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

3.	a generous act: We thanked him for his many generosities.

4.	largeness or fullness; amplitude.

Loyal

.	faithful to one's sovereign, government, or state: a loyal subject.

2.	faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations: to be loyal to a vow.

3.	faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.

4.	characterized by or showing faithfulness to commitments, vows, allegiance, obligations, etc.: loyal conduct.

funny
1. providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical: a funny remark; a funny person.

kind

1.	of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person: a kind and loving person.

2.	having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence: kind words.

3.	indulgent, considerate, or helpful; humane (often fol. by to): to be kind to animals.

4.	mild; gentle; clement: kind weather.

5.	British Dialect. loving; affectionate.

I'm putting the definitions
cause sometimes I feel as though we forget what words mean.
I mean... we use them everyday, but do we even know what we're saying half the time?!

I want to be remembered for being an encourager, a good listener, for being wise and thoughtful, for being a good role model to younger girls especially, for being able to believe in that which i cannot see with my physical eyes.

The thing is, I know that I cannot do ANY of this in my own strength...

Basically, I want to be remembered for being an accurate representation of Jesus.

How do I go about that?
The way I see it we can't create anything.
We can't create any of the things in my list... or things like patience, peace, hope, joy...love...

In the Bible it says that they're gifts right?
and
on my birthday I can't pretend I've been given presents if I havn't... The only gifts I get are the ones people give to me!

I think it's kind of like that.
God gives us those "presents"
I think all he wants is a willing heart.
Sometimes I don't even have that....
But we can want to want to.
God can work with even the smallest glimmer of something small...
He's good like that.
We just have to give him permission to inspire us,
to change us,
to fill us with more goodness
and
less bad attitudes,
more creativity...
The list is endless.
God is endless.
God is limitless.
God is the be all and end all.

Beautiful

2008-11-10T19:39:00.000Z

Beautiful - Bethany Dillon
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

4

2008-11-06T11:58:00.001Z

FREYA GETS BACK IN 4 WEEKS!
I am so happy that I was wrong.

I'm thinking so much all the time. I wish I could find a really eloquent way to transfer some of it onto here...

I think I will sit down a bit later and try. I'm off to take Auntie Joyce (70something family friend) grocery shopping.
=)

Minutes Save Hours.

2008-11-04T22:42:00.001Z

Well, I'm here again.. Sat in the same place I was last night.
I went for choir practise tonight. It was pretty fun. Its a good way to get to know some church girls a bit better...
I've been kind of thinking about a job. I dont know where to look cause I'm only here for another 18days so I'm wondering whether it's worth just doing odd jobs around for a couple of weeks.
I need money though. Really bad.
Jehovah Jireh. My Provider though.
I do my part, He does His...
Just gotta figure out what "my part" entails!
My laptop is finally back online... As crackenspiel as it is, its actually the fastest computer in the house.. plus I get skype back!
Not that I even use it...
ha.

I've blagged myself a place on Friday to go up to Cambridge with some of the youth and band... I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing... If I'll even be doing anything, but its cool just going and supporting and hanging out with people. All part of the "getting involved" part of life I seem to be in.
They've been asked to go and give testimonies and do music and stuff so that should be fun.

I cooked dinner tonight after I got in from choir practise... and I'm staring at the washing up mountain that I helped to create... Should I do it now? Or leave it till tomorrow?
Hmm... well, a wise person once told me about how "my minutes save my hours."
So I guess that means I should do it now.

I got an awesome package today from Livi... So precious!
Stuff like that, stuff that's so personal and unique and... thoughtful just... it just blows my mind!
Notes and cards and a drawing of me... and a little book she put together with pictures and notes called "Reasons I like Tash." or something and a book called "I like You."
She got sent one on DTS and it was funny cause that's something I always said... cause the other L word had lost its meaning for me and I guess sometimes you can love someone but not really like them... so I'd say " I just like you!" and it meant no less to me than if I told them I loved them....
She read it to me as a bed time story once...
and now I have it!
Totally unexpected and thoughtful.
Really hard to open cause it was SO sellotaped together!

I should do the washing up.
and go to bed.

Theoretically, that's exactly what I'm going to do =)

Seven Things

2008-11-03T23:14:00.000Z

1) I cannot eat an apple without cutting it up first. It takes a lot for me to bite it and eat it like normal people do! I think it started one time when a neighbour girl was babysitting us when we were young and she showed me how to make a square core at the end of the apple consumption...random.

2) I've lived in 4 out of 7continents (lived: for 2 months or more)
Europe(England), Asia(Malaysia), Australasia(New Zealand, Fiji), America (United States).
Bam!

3) I have a very slight obesession with 3s and 7s.
But
Sometimes it overtakes me and the "slight" becomes a little more extreme.... =P

4) I used to be pretty good at Soccer and BMXing... Then I wasn't any more.

5) I love (good) surprises... Getting or Creating. Either way - i LOVE them. I love the thoughtfulness that goes into it.

6) Someday I want to go on a really really long roadtrip with a couple of good friends... In n old pick up truck or mustang or something as retro -
Music, friends, adventure... 3 of my favourite things!

7) Driving is one of my favourite things EVER. Preferably fast. With music. Good friends, or by myself... Under the stars, on a rainy day, or on a day full of glorious sunshine... Motorway or small, windy country lanes. I dont care. I just like to drive. And think a lot. And process. And pray out loud.
I just need a car now. =P

First Post (An Original Title, I'm Sure)

2008-11-03T22:50:00.000Z

So, I guess I've joined the world of online journalling of sorts....
I'm making no commitments though =P
I can't promise how often I'll update on here.

I've been back in England for 10 days now and am an official bum. I have no job. I have no money. I'm constantly feeling different things and thinking about 37 things at the same time!
At the moment its about 11pm and I'm sat in the kitchen... The washing machine's washing, the tap's dripping... The fruit bowl is full for once and I'm listening to aLie Richardson on myspace.
Awesome singer/songwriter.

Tonight I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to get from JFK to ROC on 22nd... I arrive at 10:30pm and the flight leaves at 10:35... so I miss that...
Other option is a greyhound bus from NYC at 1:15, meaning i have to figure out how to get there from the airport and whether a girl on her own travelling through the city is a good idea...

When I first got back here I wanted to turn straight back around and go back to little Hamlin and build a nice little life there... Surely it'd be easier in such a godly, healthy and growing atmosphere?!
But I guess I decided to listen to what God's been saying. Not just hear, to listen. And do.
i think for a while I've felt that this is a season to be here. Get involved with church. Build solid friendships here. My closest friends (bar one) live all over the globe... which is fine by me, it's not like I dont have friends here.. but its on SUCH different levels... I guess I don't know how to explain...
Most people here don't really know me...
I cant wait for Freya to come back!
6 weeks to go.

On tuesday/wednesday I stayed at Auntie Carol's house in London. Nadine (switzerland) was with me too.
On Tuesday afternoon my mum, Nadine, Auntie Lyn and Auntie Carol and I were sat at the kitchen table and they started asking me about what my plans were and all kinds of stuff.. I didn't really have many satisfactory answers for them cause I genuinely don't have anything set in stone... Get a job, get money, get out of debt, be involved with church... see what's next....
They were asking how what I'm doing is contributing towards my ministry and calling....
Then they told me that they felt I needed to come home. To come home not just physically but mentally and in my heart... To be here. To get foundations. Cause if there was not strong foundations, my territories couldn't be enlarged... That I shouldn't go out there for any more "heart healing" cause its time to build towards my ministry.

So I find myself caught in some kind of (sometimes) seemingly contradictory situation.
I'm home... I've changed in SO many ways. I can't even put into words what happened while I was in New York. I havn't had a chance to process most of it.
But even though God did such a huge work in my heart, I find myself overwhelmed at times with my bad attitudes at home!
I'm struggling somewhat with not comparing things and people and situations.
The only time I've felt at ease and excited about being back was at church (morning and evening) on sunday just gone...

I pray that God would use me in every place that I step foot... but mostly that I would be the same at home as I am when I'm in the places I feel most comfortable...
I pray that I would be changed and transformed and that as God takes me deeper and furthur in Him, that my heart would become more thankful and grateful and less selfish!
I want to radiate His glory and goodness and faithfulness even on a bad day!